Psalm 127

Mark and I have been listening to a sermon series about building a home God's way and the timing as usual has been perfect. You know how at times different bible verses stick out and become alive, well Psalm 127 really stuck out for me. I've been wanting a verse that will be my family's core and I found it. "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain." Psalm 127: 1. Lets be honest, depending on God for stuff is usually uncomfortable, it's fabulous for our relationship with Him but we never really choose this path. Right now I'm not enjoying depending on God to build my family, I want all the details now and I want to know how many kids will be permanently mine now. But God knows I'm not ready for all the details and deep down I know I'm not ready either. I was reflecting this morning on how I learned to live in the moment pretty well while I was in treatment and how little by little some of my bad habits have returned. I still savor so many moments with the kids and live in the moment but I also spend a good deal of time focusing on the future. You know what, the time I spend worrying about my future robs me of my time today. The bible often talks about how we can't be double-minded individuals, we can but we drive ourselves crazy living that way. I'm driving myself crazy, I love little E so much and I waited a long time for her, yet I can't control either of our future. I want to keep her and yet I really like her parents and when I'm with them, I find myself encouraging them to stay the course, do the right thing. It's an odd place emotionally to be! So this study has smacked me right between the eyes, am I trying to build MY family or am I allowing God to build it in His own time frame as He sees fit? The second part to this verse that really got to me was being the "watchmen" as I can be overprotective. Am I going to let God protect the kids or am I going to drive myself crazy and everyone around me crazy doing things that only make me feel safer for a short period of time. Safety is fleeting if you don't place everything you love in the hands of the ONLY one who can truly keep them safe. So this is my family's verse as only God can build my family when He sees fit, how He sees fit. Everyday I'm trying to start the day with an open hand to God rather than clenched fists. I truly understand that children are a gift and a blessing and to be honest, sometimes I find myself believing that after everything I've gone through I deserve many blessings. However, this thinking is false, I don't deserve anything really. The fact that God continues to give me cancer-free breaths should be enough. I really hate that sometimes I've become an entitled spoiled brat with God and I'm thankful He is extremely patient with me in this area. Anyway, I'm thinking of how I can physically put this verse up in our home as my daily reminder.

Just one of those days....

I have come to HATE the foster care system as it is beyond broken. Honestly, if I wasn't a Christian I would quit foster care because there are so many times that it feels like we aren't doing much to help these kids. But I know that God is in full control and only He can truly protect these little ones. I am having a difficult day, the type of day that I'm praying the entire day, praying to help my areas of unbelief. I won't go into the details of little E's case but I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that she will most likely go home in the next couple of months. I wish I could protect my heart for the heartache that is most likely coming but with kids I'm all in right from the start. I SO want to adopt this little girl, heck, we are STILL trying to adopt Alex yet. I have been thinking a lot lately about how I wish there was an easy button I could push at different times of my life. I've thought a lot about adoption and some days to be honest, I want to quit foster care and simply adopt. To have something known right from the start, something secure, but even on the worst days emotionally, I can't quit. I don't feel called to leave foster care yet for one and the thought of leaving kids that desperately need a safe, loving home.....I can't quit. I want a forever family of my own so badly and the truth is that today I'm not liking the fact that it is completely out of my control. People have asked how long will we do foster care and I half jokingly tell them until we have our own baseball team. :) Today, I would love to ask God why He closed the door on my having biological children, why it's so darn hard to be able to keep the kids that come into our home. I really want to learn to be content and simply enjoy the time that I have with little E instead of focusing on the fear of her being gone. I know God will give me what I need if she goes but I'm honestly afraid of what that whole process may look/feel like. In some ways when these kids leave our home it's like a death because for one, they rarely go into a good situation and two, we don't see or hear about them again. My heart aches for kids that I get to keep permanently and my heart aches for how difficult this process is for me while completely unfit, dysfunctional people can have kids without even thinking about it. This is one of those days that even though I am saying God is trustworthy, He is good, and He is in complete control...I don't understand why some things have turned out the way that they have. Please pray for me in the next several weeks as this may be a bumpy time. Pray for little E, for her safety.

A year to the exact day.....

A year ago today we received Alex and it completely changed our lives for the better. My family asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday and I said I wanted a baby, God delivered. So, this year when my mom asked what I wanted for my birthday I told her I wanted a newborn. I had been praying for a newborn for months because I really wanted to experience the whole newborn phase as I didn't get to go through that with Alex. I was working in the ICU on this year anniversary when I got a call from our agency saying a newborn girl was at the hospital and they needed to place her with someone that night. I was absolutely floored as I realized that God had delivered me another very personal birthday present and a little girl at that! Needless to say, I was more than thrilled to be able to take this little one home from the hospital at the end of my shift. I have been in complete and total heaven since, she is beautiful, perfect, and so stinking tiny!! She is a healthy little girl and she SLEEPS!!!!! Alex is so sweet with her, likes to give hugs and he looks for her first thing in the morning.
I am simply blown away at how good God is to me, how personal his blessings are at times. Little E is such a gift from God and the story of how she came to our home has His hand prints all over it. At moments I keep pinching myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. Life is sure busy but it's very good!

Another placement...another disappointment

We received an emergent placement of an 8.5 month old girl a couple days before Mark's birthday. This poor child was in MUCH worse condition than we were told about and the caseworker dropped her off to our house earlier than expected because this little girl was freaking her out. At times she literally appeared to be dead and Mark and I would check on her all the time in the crib just to make sure she was breathing. I have never seen such a skinny baby in my life, it was absolutely heartbreaking. We had to pad the crib and car seat otherwise her bony prominences would start to become red, this should NEVER occur in a baby!!!! We only had her for five days but they were emotionally exhausting. I took her to urgent care and a pediatrician in that short time and found her to have a major diaper rash that was so bad it burned part of her skin, a uti, a yeast infection, and an ear infection. As a nurse, I was struggling to keep her hydrated and fed. The court decided to return her home on a technicality which royally pissed me off, I was terrified she would return home and I would get a call telling me this little girl had died. When we first got her she hardly cried, it was clear she had been neglected to the point that she gave up complaining. It is hard to understand how people can treat their own flesh and blood the way they do, let alone an innocent baby! Anyway, Mark and I decided that rather than let her go home we would take her to the ER in the hope that she would be admitted. God answered our prayers and little Taylor was admitted, we were so happy and it was a huge feeling of relief. However, when I called the next day to see how she was doing, I was told she would be discharged home. The system that is supposed to protect these kids is so broken and it makes me extremely angry! It's no wonder we have generation after generation in the foster care system. I love these kids....I hate the system!! We continue to pray for Taylor and hope that should she re-enter the system she will be returned to us.

Not a mascara kind of day........

It's only a few days into the new year and I'm feeling somewhat empty. We go to court tomorrow for Alex and we were hoping to set a termination date. I've been looking nervously forward to this court date because you never really know what is going to happen but I'm very ready to make Alex legally ours. Our caseworker dropped quite a bombshell on us yesterday--instead of termination, they are filing for another six months simply because his bio dad hasn't signed consent papers and therefore hasn't done some evaluations. This man ALWAYS resurfaces right before court, spews out his desires/wishes and then disappears failing to meet the minimum requirements. I love being a foster parent, I just HATE the system!! It's very broken and I can honestly say that most times they don't have the child's best interest at heart, it's more about protecting their butt in case of getting sued. It's in moments like these that I'm very tired of God asking me to do hard. I know ultimately He will help me through whatever occurs but in my flesh, I'm angry and I feel like quitting the hard stuff. I went into foster care knowing this would be heartbreaking at times and it definitely doesn't disappoint in that area, but there is no way to fully prepare the heart. I've tried very hard not to let my mind wander towards Alex's future because I didn't know if I would be a part of it or not, but since there has been complete silence from both bio parents since September I started to allow my mind wander. Mark and I have picked out his middle name with the expectation of being able to adopt. I can't fully put into words how difficult this news has hit us, it's beyond heartbreaking. It's amazing how quickly I can go from one end of the emotional spectrum to the opposite end in minutes. I'm choosing to trust God in this matter and desperately trying not to rely on my feelings at the moment. I know God is in complete control despite how the circumstances appear. I'm SO angry and the tears just keep coming today. I love this boy SO much! Part of me wants to lay into his bio dad at court tomorrow and tell him exactly what I think of him, the other part of me feels like begging him to stop fighting and let us adopt. I'm thankful court isn't today because I don't feel like being Christ-like to this man. I'm an emotional mess, very confused, and really needing to see God in some practical ways in the next few days. Please pray for me and for this messed up system!

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

What a year 2012 has been, it's the year we became foster parents and started this crazy journey. We have had a total of five kids in our home and hoping to adopt Alex. It's the year I reached my two year cancer free anniversary and got my port out! There has been a lot of ups and downs in the world this year but personally, I like this year and it will be remembered as one of my best. I'm SO thankful that Mark and I put our fears aside and answered the call to become foster parents. I have said this so many times but I never would have imagined this would be our calling or our journey and yet, God knew what was best for us and it really is perfect. So, when it comes to 2013, I can't wait to see what He has in store for us this year! I feel strongly that God has more kids in store for us, so we eagerly wait for the right child at the right time. People have asked if we would take another drug baby as lets be honest, they are not easy babies. However, knowing all that we know now, my heart goes out to these children and I sort of have a soft spot. Would you join us in prayer for wisdom and discernment on which placement to take. As much as I would like, we can't save every child that comes into the system and it can be a struggle to put aside my wishes when it isn't the same as the Lords. This is probably a lifelong battle, living life with an open hand to God letting Him give and take as He sees best. He does know best though!
January 9th will be a big day in our home as Alex's case goes before the court yet again. We are hoping and praying that a termination date be set so that we can start the process of adoption. It's VERY hard to be patient because Alex is my son already, I just want the legal system to recognize it. As you know I'm a huge "what if" type of person but this is one area that I don't let my mind wander much. I can't, I love him too much. All I know and try to focus on is that God is in full control and I know He has great plans for Alex. Anyway, we hope to bring BIG news this year as we have big expectations!
Happy New Year everyone! No matter what this year brings, lets choose to bring light to this dark world of ours as this is all of our calling!

December

This has been quite a month as Mark had a total hip replacement at the beginning of the month on top of all the holiday business that occurs. I have to say that I am completely amazed at how far medicine has come when it comes to joint replacement! Thankfully, his surgery went very smooth and recovery for the most part is coming along smoothly as well. Because Mark is unable to bend down and pick up Alex, I'm beginning to realize just how much he helps me out. My heart goes out to all the single parents out there....I'm VERY thankful for Mark and all that he does as he is a hands on father and husband.

December is a very special month for a whole new reason this year--it's Alex's birth month and he is turning ONE! I can't believe how fast time has flown by already and I'm especially amazed at all the progress Alex has made. I remember when he first came into our home and the poor little guy had zero extra fat, he was so tiny, on oxygen, and pretty unhappy as he was still withdrawing from drugs. I can remember rocking him one day and wondering what kind of deficits he would face and praying that God would give us wisdom and discernment on how to deal with whatever the future held. I can't tell you how many nights I walked the house at all hours holding a crying baby and praying for this little guy that was SO uncomfortable. But I do remember the day that he was done withdrawing from drugs, it was like he was an entirely new baby overnight. From that moment on, we have seen him reach one milestone after another and to his doctors amazement. She always tells us that Alex is the poster child for what the power of love can do and I think she has half of the story correct. Yes, he is a VERY loved and wanted child but I truly believe Alex is a testament to the power of prayer as well. God has mercifully healed him in many ways and this precious boy has no deficits! When I first got Alex people often asked how premature he was as it was obvious he had some issues, but looking at him today you would never know all that he has overcome already. So as we celebrate his first birthday we also celebrate the many firsts that we weren't entirely sure he would achieve.
The only lasting effect that Alex carries is that he simply does not sleep as much as he should. He does remarkably well with the lack of sleep but we are starting to see some tantrums and such that I believe stem from his sleep issues. Please pray for him and sleep, we so desperately want complete healing in this area and trust that someday God will grant that prayer request as well.

I love the holidays and this time of year and it truly has been a special season seeing it through the eyes of  a one year old. It is no wonder God has a special place in his heart for kids. We hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and take some time to slow down and remember the true reason for this season. Happy Birthday Jesus!

A month of Thanksgiving

I have come to LOVE November and December and all the holiday fun that goes with it. I think we should be thankful all year long, however, I tend to be more mindful of this during the month of November. I was trying to think what one thing I'm thankful for this month and to be honest, I can't narrow it down to one. I can't believe how much my life has changed in such a short period of time and how good God has been to me/us. As the months pass from my cancer diagnosis, I continue to see what a blessing cancer has been to me and it stuns me a bit to even say that still. I was so certain I was being robbed of so many things when I was first diagnosed and instead I'm starting to see how God was molding and shaping me for a variety of gifts He wanted to give me. I'm SO thankful for the molding and shaping and just like the bible says, it was painful and uncomfortable at that time BUT so worth it! I'm a different person post-cancer and I can only give God the credit for that fact. I still have a lot of rough edges to work through and God continues to smooth them.
I LOVE being a mom, I really can't put it into words! I truly understand when the bible says that children are a "gift" from God.  Each child that has come into our home has been a special gift for the specified time they were here and I've learned something from each of them.  Alex has been one of the best gifts God has given me yet! I look at him and am thankful for my cancer diagnosis and the way that God completely changed my plans. I wouldn't change a thing in this parenting journey...some days I wish the emotional rollercoaster wasn't what it is but even God gets me through those days too. I never thought I could love a child that isn't biologically mine as much as I do. Alex may not look like me but he is mine. In our home, biological doesn't mean much because every child that walks through our door is ours. We love them as though they were biolgically ours. I completely understand when the bible talks about being "grafted" into God's family in a whole new way.

It's so easy to get caught up in the trials of life but don't let business steal your thankfulness because there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for in life. Thankfulness is a lot like trust, it's a choice, not a feeling!

Halloween

People are often shocked to hear that I have never been trick-or-treating, my parents didn't want us to participate in this dark holiday. I never felt like we missed out because we always did something on Halloween. I have wonderful memories of going to our church's Fall Harvest party and the goal was to dress up as different biblical characters. As we got older, I remember dressing up as a family and then playing putt putt golf or driving mini-race cars.
Mark and I have talked a lot about how we want to do different holidays in our household and we have decided not to do trick-or-treating with our kids. Halloween has such darkness behind it and we want to live out our principles as we see best. This also means we won't be doing Easter bunnies or santa claus and while I know some think we are being legalistic what is the harm, it is our personal belief that we don't want worldly things to steal important holidays and the meanings behind them. I want our kids to celebrate Christ's birthday on Christmas and to understand the true meaning behind Easter. As an adult, I appreciate the creative ways my parents instilled the important meanings behind the holiday while making sure we didn't feel left out. I remember my grandma always had a birthday cake for Jesus on Christmas and on Easter, my mom would hide gifts around the house and attached to each gift was a bible verse relevant to the holiday. I hope Mark and I can instill these types of things into our kids. If you celebrate with trick-or-treating, easter bunnies, or santa claus, please know there is no judgement from our end. We all do things differently and that is perfectly okay, we simply wanted to explain why we will do some of the holidays differently.

I know Alex won't remember his first Fall Harvest at our church and he is too young to eat candy but who can pass up dressing up our cutie!

Calling

I recently had a friend tell me how admirable it is that we do foster care and the whole conversation made me a bit uncomfortable actually. You see, we didn't choose foster care, we were called into it and that makes ALL the difference. I would say the number one thing I hear from people is that foster care is not something they feel they could do. My response to that is that if I do foster care in my own strength, it's not going to go well and I've had moments of that. When I do foster care and lean on God for his strength, it makes all the difference in the world. That's not to say that this is an easy journey because it has tons of unique challenges BUT the rewards far outnumber all the challenges. I see foster care much like discipleship in that many avoid the calling because it's uncomfortable and can be risky. All I can say to that is that God doesn't ask us to do comfortable most times because it wouldn't require us to lean on him, He calls us out into the uncomfortable and then gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it!

Two Year Anniversary

This week marks my two year anniversary of being cancer-free!!!! This is considered one of the big hurdles to achieve post treatment, the next is hitting the five year mark. At times, I wondered if I would ever make it to the two year mark so I'm very excited. I have an appointment with Dr P next month and I plan on asking if my port can come out, not that it bothers me but having it out would be one less thing to deal with. I have to get it flushed with heparin every six weeks to keep it from clotting and now that we are foster parents, I already have too many things to keep track. I'm not sure what Dr P will say about getting my port out, either way I will accept it. Anyway, it's hard to believe that it's only been two years since treatment as it seems like a lifetime ago now. In hindsight, I'm SO thankful that I completed the full treatment and these last two years have been much better than I could have imagined. God's promises certainly are true and He is definitely good all the time!!

Answered Prayers

God has answered my prayer and taken a huge load off of our trial. Our finances have been tight since I became sick and they got even tighter once we became foster parents because I am working much less. I have felt called to be a mom and these kids go through so much turmoil and chaos that I felt strongly about not having them in daycare. Plus, I've always wanted to be a mother and I don't want to miss out on a single thing with these kids. Choosing to work one day on the weekend has been very hard financially and at times didn't make sense when looking at our bank accounts. However, I believe that for this season God has called me to pour myself into these kids and trust Him with the numbers. This decision means living simply and quite honestly, goes against our culture. It has been hard and has certainly added to the stress between Mark and I, but recently we experienced God's hand on our finances that enable us to continue on this path. It's been very humbling to rely on God for finances but it's been good for our relationship with Him. In trials, you truly see where your heart is at, where you place your focus, and what you place as your "idols." I'm sure our finances will be tight for many years to come and honestly, I'm okay with that because I know that God will always provide for our needs. It's important to recognize needs from wants otherwise it's easy to become disillusioned. Anyway, I'm SO thankful that God has given us some wiggle room so to speak. I was finally able to tell Mark "see, God took care of it."  This is the part of living uncomfortably that I have really come to somewhat enjoy. It sounds crazy to some but it's only when you lean on God with your full weight do you constantly see just how involved He is in your life. We have experienced some very lean times recently, but I found myself quite thankful through most of it as I continued to see God in very practical ways. If you are always living comfortably, then you aren't experiencing God to the fullest and I can say that with lots of experience.

Disappointed

I'm in an awkward space lately where I feel somewhat disappointed by God. I know, that seems so disrespectful and sacrilegious to admit but let me explain. Mark and I are struggling with some issues that we saw coming, but I firmly believed God would only let occur to a point before stepping in to save us. Well, that point has come and gone and I'm wrestling with lots of questions. Was I hearing from God correctly in the first place? Am I making good decisions or did I make a bad decision somewhere along the line? Have I been placing my expectations onto God in a way that I shouldn't? I'm pretty confused and that makes me feel fairly lost. My faith in God hasn't been shaken by these new sets of struggles and I'm EXTREMELY thankful for that fact. I figured that one day I would say to Mark, "see, God kept us out of that pit," and it's becoming a scary reality that maybe part of God's plan is to allow us to sit in the pit for awhile. That's the part that is disappointing, feeling so confident that God will allow a quick season of struggle, only to realize He is allowing the season to last much longer than I anticipated. Just when I thought I was maturing in my walk with the Lord, I see the areas that need some serious work. I know God's ways are not my ways and most days I'm thankful for that fact. Today however, I just want to know I'm headed in the right direction.

A wake up call...

As I was getting ready for bed one night, I started spotting which absolutely took the breath right out of me. It was such a shock and I tried to think of all the possible reasons why this would happen aside from the cancer returning, when I couldn't think of any I called my sister. I had been having some abdominal discomfort off/on for about two weeks and felt as though I would be starting a period any day, it was a bit odd. Mark and I talked and had a sleepless night as our minds wandered to all the worst "what ifs." After the shock of it all wore off, I can honestly say that I had a sense of peace in that I am doing exactly what I want to be doing with my life right now. I so remember sitting in the hospital after my surgery being told that for the next six months, I wouldn't be doing anything but treatment and feeling so disappointed that I had my priorities all wrong. So it actually felt good to know that I did learn from that experience and that I'm really trying to live my life to the fullest. The next day, I called Dr P's office and they promptly fit me into the PA's schedule. I was very relieved to hear her say that everything appeared normal and after some discussion, we felt the spotting came from running. We decided to go ahead with a CT scan just to be on the safe side. I started to feel fairly nervous about that test as I drove to the hospital that afternoon, it was like all the old emotions came flooding back. I have many memories of driving to that hospital hoping for good news, only to get bad news. It's amazing how emotions become linked to memories and when I'm facing an unknown, those same emotions follow. Thankfully however, my CT scan came back good and shortly after those results, the symptoms I was having disappeared. We think my IBS really kicked up as I had been under quite a bit of stress the last few weeks, just goes to show how much stress impacts the body. A very good reminder that I need to work on some of the issues causing the stress! Still on track to reach one of my big milestones--the two year mark being cancer-free!!!

Brady

The last several weeks have been a whirlwind, thus the lack of posting. :) Long story short, Mark and I decided that we were not the best fit for Brady and requested he be moved to another foster family. It was a gut-wrenching decision and extremely stressful all the way around. Brady moved to the new foster family seamlessly and we actually got to see him at one of the support groups. His case has shaken my trust in the foster system all together as he recently was returned home to his mother who NEVER took responsibility for her actions. No matter what I or the other foster mom said, the system made up their mind to return him. Mark and I are extremely disappointed with how many checks and balances simply wasn't there in Brady's case. It won't surprise me to find out that at some point in the future Brady will either re-enter the foster system or become seriously injured. I know everything is in God's hands and have no choice but to entrust Brady to the Lord. Sometimes the system sucks and doing what is in the child's best interest isn't the top priority!

What am I doing?

So thankful for my Mother's Day with two beautiful babies because the very next day, DHS called to say that Chrissy's paternal grandmother wanted her. I had just received two boxes full of girl clothes that morning (thank you Michelle) and was so excited to dress her in many of these outfits. Shock and disappointment doesn't describe my emotions properly as I started packing up Chrissy's stuff. I had a couple hours to come to terms with the fact that I would be dropping off this sweetheart and most likely never seeing her again. To be truthful, I just couldn't go there emotionally. So, when Hope & Home called me about another foster placement in the midst of packing up Chrissy's belongings, I didn't even think about it or talk to Mark...I simply said yes. Not the smartest thing I realize now but at the time, it made perfect sense. So the day after I dropped off Chrissy, we gained a 17 month old little boy who was discharged from the hospital. Let me just say that getting info on placements is much like getting a report from the ED on a patient....you never know what you are actually getting until they get there! It took me a day to realize that Brady is NOT 20 months old like I was told but actually 17 months, which helped me relax a bit because I was thinking he was WAY behind in so many areas. He is behind in language as he doesn't talk at all but otherwise, he's a pretty normal boy. Mark and I have really struggled with this placement and it's hard to tell exactly what is so hard. Obviously, we didn't even have time to process the loss of Chrissy before bringing in another child and I know that is part of it. I guess I figured two five month old babies would be much harder than a baby and a toddler, clearly I was wrong. Not that we had much down time with the two babies but for some reason this feels like a lot more work and energy expenditure. Mark and I have discussed and prayed about Brady's situation--do we keep this placement or ask that another family take him? With all our other placements they instantly felt like the perfect placement....this has NOT felt that way at all!! We did talk with our agency and ask that Brady be moved to another family, however, talking with our specific case manager opened up a lot of questions. The truth is that had I given us a 24 hour period after Chrissy left, I wouldn't have accepted this placement. However, do we punish Brady for my mistake as moving him will have an impact on him, it will cause some sort of trauma to him. I've thought about how Alex had been in another foster home for a month before that family said he was too much for them.....and he has been such a blessing and perfect fit for us. I don't think there is a right/wrong answer here. We have gone back and forth on what to do and emotionally I'm spent and a mess. I want to do the right thing for all of us and maybe that means Mark and I need to let some things go. In the meantime, I'm emotionally eating and not that it comforts me or brings me any peace really, it just gives me a few minutes that I don't have to think about this situation. Why can't we be drawn to the "good" for us foods in times like this???
I think we are leaning towards keeping Brady as some of the initial "issues" that appeared to be very time consuming to work out are actually rapidly working themselves out. He is such a sweet-hearted boy, so good natured, and cute. It's hard to give up when it's a child. This appears to be a long placement but you never know in foster care....Chrissy's case looked like it would be a long placement too. Some days I'm angry with these parents, it floors me what people do to their own flesh and blood.

My 1st Mother's Day!

It hasn't escaped me how blessed I am to have two beautiful babies here on Mother's Day....and my first one at that! This is definitely not how I thought we would have kids but God's plans are not mine and His plans are perfect! If someone told me we would be doing this almost two years ago at the start of my treatment, I wouldn't have believed them. I'm SO thankful God worked on my angry heart to help me accept the situation so I could embrace His plans for us. With each child that comes into our home it is not lost on me how different things could have turned out had I let anger and bitterness take deep root in my heart. Each child we receive in our home is truly a gift and a blessing. I'm SO thankful on this special day as I wasn't sure I would ever be a mother and it's something I had always wanted.

I'm so thankful for my mom who has always been there for me. There are MANY things she did for my sister and I that I hope to incorporate with our foster kids. Moms are truly priceless!!! Happy Mother's Day!

It's a girl

I know this is going to sound crazy but we accepted an emergency placement this weekend for a five month old girl. Someone from our foster support group had told us about one of the local churches giving away clothing so we went in search of kids clothes. Mark thought I was simply getting clothes for Alex but I wanted to get a variety because we never know what age group we may get. As I was folding the clothes to put them away I mentioned to Mark that I really wanted a girl, a couple hours later we got one! It was definitely overwhelming at first to think of having a twin type of situation but it has worked out really well. So, we have welcomed Chrissy into our family and she is such a sweetheart! She was taken by DHS under traumatic circumstances so there is a no contact order for both parents and that really helps me as I don't have to worry about visitations just yet. All I can say is that my heart is SO full!!! I LOVE having a boy and a girl, they are absolutely adorable together. It definitely keeps us busy and is a lot of work but it's so worth it. I have no idea what will happen to Chrissy but we would love to adopt her too if given the chance. I wish I could post pictures of them together in their car seats as it is too cute. I will try to keep up with posts but as you can imagine I don't get much free time. :)

A reminder

I forgot to get my port flushed last week so went in today and to my surprise the gals texted Dr P that I was there. He came over from the hospital to see Alex and I and we took pictures. :) I finally got to tell him in person that he was right, it doesn't matter to me that I don't have biological children. The kids in my home are MINE and I love them as though they were biologically mine. He asked how I was doing and we talked a bit, I could see that he is still very guarded about my future and concerned as we come up on the two year mark. Seeing his concern, left me feeling somewhat concerned myself. I've been so busy and so caught up in being a foster parent that I hardly think about my health much these days. This was a reminder that I'm not out of the woods just yet, that things could change in an instant. We talked about the grey areas of surveillance in my case and he presented the pros/cons of getting a CT scan. My old insurance company denied scans and now that I have new insurance, it's something to look into. However, the cons are big....maybe they will see something suspicious, a false-positive even, which could lead to all kinds of prodding and anxiety. Maybe they could catch something early but a biopsy would spread my type of cancer much quicker and who wants that! So, do I get a CT scan before my next appt or not, he is leaving that up to me. We did decide to start obtaining the CA-125 blood test again as that is a sensitive marker for ovarian cancer and my type of cancer was similar. I had asked them to stop doing that blood test as the results were making me anxious but I think it is worth the anxiety. During our conversation, I was once again reminded that if my cancer were to return there isn't a whole lot that can be done. That's unnerving!!! I know that God is in complete control and if my cancer were to return, that's part of His will and He is ALWAYS good. Today was a reminder that life is a gift and that sometimes I let petty things cause me to worry or dictate my priorities. I guess I've been getting a little too comfortable with my good health as of late. It's a good reminder to give God thanks daily, not to take this time for granted, and not to sweat the small stuff. All in all, it was really good to see Dr P and so far, I'm a success story for him which he doesn't get often.

Choice

Lets just say that Alex's mom is starting to struggle in her treatment which brings a whole new emotional wave to our journey. I really like his mom and my heart goes out to her but I'm totally protective of Alex and disappointed by her recent choices. Some days I don't feel like supporting her and I'm angry that she would choose other things instead of her son. I'm learning a lot about choice lately--I'm choosing to trust God in this complicated situation and in Alex's future and I'm choosing to love his mom in spite of her behavior. I realize that Mark and I are an introduction of Christ to her and I take that very seriously, I don't want to misrepresent God. I can't let my feelings dictate my behavior, not even when it comes to this little boy that I love so very much. I love Alex so much that I'll love his mom even when I don't feel like it. It's a blessing that his mom is struggling now while he is in a loving and safe environment. Things appear so messy right now but I know God is in the midst of it all and He is working in ways I can't see just yet. At times, my mantra is "I chose to trust you God, help my unbelief." I knew foster care was going to be hard and it certainly hasn't disappoint. Come quickly Lord! :)