Every day is different

I woke up today thankful that I still have hair. :) I'm meeting with a friend later this evening that I haven't seen in awhile and I really wanted my own hair to see her, so I've made it! It's interesting to me how each day is so different from the next. Yesterday morning I was quite upset about all the hair I was losing, today it bothers me but I'm no where near to tears. I've been praying that I will simply accept this part of the process and not freak out once I'm bald. Anyway, started the morning taking the dogs for a walk and enjoyed the beautiful weather here....overall, I'm just thankful and what a difference a day makes! I'm thankful that I can still cook, clean, do basically what I want and I feel quite good for being on chemo. I can still be a wife and Mark doesn't have to do everything...yet.

I'm a little anxious about my upcoming second cycle; I'm hoping I won't feel quite as bad from Neulasta this time around because I WILL take claritin. Mark will do this cycle with me so he will be able to see what this whole process is like. Because he is on Spring break next week, I'm hoping we can get away and do fun things at the beginning of the week. I used to find going on trips stressful, trying to find a place that accepts dogs, packing everything we need, having the house cleaned beforehand etc. Now I'm simply grateful that we CAN get away for a bit and I welcome any type of stress that comes with trips. I realized the other day that somewhere along the way in college I became pretty rigid and less spontaneous and since starting chemo, maybe I'm starting to move towards spontaneity again. Cancer certainly puts things into perspective and I really want to enjoy my life with Mark for as long as God allows me. Anyway, hopefully we will both remain healthy so we can actually get away for a bit this upcoming week cause chemo is starting again soon.

Let the falling out begin...

Well, it's starting to happen and pretty much on time too. Hair falls out throughout the day, comes out in my brushes, and if I run my fingers through my hair, out it comes. It's hard even though I knew this would happen, it's still hard! I've got a dinner date with a friend and I hope to still have hair when I see her. I'm pretty sure by the time this weekend comes, I will have it coming out in clumps and so it will be time to shave everything off. In some ways I hope it gradually thins and in other ways, I hope it starts coming out in bunches so I know it's time to get rid of everything. We will see how this progresses.

I took the girls out for a walk by myself today and it felt good. I'm celebrating all the little things that I used to do that I'm again able to do. I honestly didn't expect to feel this good on chemo, so this is a complete blessing. I'm a bit anxious knowing my second cycle is coming up as you never know how this is going to work.....maybe it will be cumulitive and I won't feel quite as good with each cycle. Anyway, for now I'm trying to really enjoy the good days.

For the most part I'm recovering well from my surgery. I have days where swelling comes back and I keep wondering if I over did something or is this the beginning of lymphadema. I can't wait for my body to be completely healed so I can stop worrying about whether I'm working out too hard or lifting something I'm not supposed to. I'm amazed at the progress so far but ready to be healed and done with the hysterectomy part of stuff.

Neulasta

This first cycle has been hard because each day I go to bed wondering what tomorrow will be like. Am I finally going to feel like crap? I hate not knowing, that's the hardest part!
24 hrs after chemo I get the Neulasta shot to help stimulate my bone marrow to produce more cells. This helps blood counts return faster and helps keep people out of the hospital while they are on chemo. One of the downsides is that it causes bone pain, for some it's severe and for others it's mild aches and pains. I was told I could take claritin before (they don't know how it helps but it greatly reduces the pain) or I could take pain meds. Because some people don't have much difficulty with the shot I decided not to take anything and simply see how this cycle goes. I hate taking so many drugs and I only want to take the ones I absolutely have to take. At first it wasn't too bad, my eyes hurt, had a headache, and my arms hurt. However, the second night was horrible and from now on, I'm taking the claritin. I've never experienced this type of pain before, it felt like my bones were having mini-explosions inside of them. I knew this was normal and so was hoping I could manage through.....ended up in finally taking some ibuprofen just to take the edge off so I could get some sleep. I don't know how people with bone cancers do it!

I've been cranky and tearful since chemo in part because my port site has been so sore. I haven't been able to move my left arm the way I want and I'm much slower at certain tasks. I understood there would be some discomfort for a day or two but yesterday, I was ready for the port to be taken out. Today, I'm doing better and have more range of motion to my arm so this is managable. I guess I need to be patient, I can't expect my body to heal so quickly on everything.

I hope I sleep tonight as I've been sleeping a lot throughout the day. My body still hurts so there isn't much I can actually do.....I just need the mind to shut off for a bit. Did I mention that I hate being a patient, I'm not good on this side of things!

Day 2--Cycle 1

Whenever you get chemo they start counting days with day 1 being infusion day. They recommend you keep a journal to see how you feeling throughout chemo so that you may be able to see patterns in between your chemo cycles. Overall, my chemo infusion went very well, no real interactions. I didn't feel the greatest with the carboplantin, felt a bit nauseous and when they took my bp I was running around 150/99. I'm sure the bp is due to all the saline infusions as this was my second day getting infused. Next chemo cycle, I will try to eat some carbs/protein while the carboplantin is running and see if that improves things. I came home from chemo pretty exhausted but felt pretty good for the most part. After spending some time at home reality hit and I was fairly tearful the rest of the night. There is no turning back, these toxic chemicals are in my body and now I simply have to sit and wait to see how I will respond. When will my hair fall out? When will the nausea come? When will things start to taste metalic? It's a bit overwelming! I keep wondering how my liver and kidneys are doing processing all these drugs....I don't like it!

I woke up today and feel pretty good actually, just sore from the port insert. I feel a huge need to clean the house and do all the things that are important to me this morning before I go get the neulasta shot this afternoon. I've heard that the shot can make you feel like you have the achy flu to the point you stay in bed for a couple of days. Some people have mild aches that don't interfere too much with life, so it's 50/50. I hate not knowing how I'm going to react to stuff and what I will/won't be able to do. It's all about being patient and taking things one at a time...and I'm not very good at that. I'm still tearful since getting chemo yesterday and I think it's because this is all becoming real. I'm sure this is normal and I just have to go with it.

I found out one of my friends cut her hair and donated it to Locks of Love in my honor. I don't know what to say about that, I'm beyond touched that she would do that. It was a huge reminder that I have so many wonderful people in my corner praying for me and willing to do whatever they can to help. I'm trying hard to not lose sight of the blessings around me because they are always there. Mark has been great, lets me cry and constantly reminds me that we are in this together. I know he is scared about what is coming as he has no experience with cancer and the effects of chemo, but he's willing to walk through this with me simply because he wants me around for awhile. I'm so lucky to have Mark, I can't imagine dealing with all of this without him!

Port and chemo

Had my port inserted yesterday and overall, it went very well. I have to say I'm very blessed to have the oncologist that I have! He makes me feel like we really are a team and he absolutely cares about what happens to me as a WHOLE person. Anyway, it was a long day at the hospital yesterday which I wasn't expecting but everything went well and I was thankful to have my mom keep me company.

Today is the big day, chemo cycle 1 of 6! I am SO sore at the port site and so thankful the needle was already left in place as I don't think I could handle someone accessing my port today. I'm excited to get the needle out tonight so I can shower and not have to worry about water getting inside the sterile field.
I'm nervous about having all this drugs pumped into my body, poisonous drugs at that! However, I'm worried that maybe I won't tolerate one of the toxic chemo drugs as I need them. I am praying for few side effects and simply hope that I am able to do the normal activities around the house and possibly work a shift or two in between each cycle. I'm NOT looking forward to losing my hair and I think that will turn this whole ordeal into reality. It still feel surreal as I look like myself. I don't look forward to looking like a sick person, I know I'm sick but as long as I don't look sick, I feel better about the whole situation. Odd but that's how it is. Well, here's to hoping the chemo goes smoothly and I keep my hair for as long as I can. Please please please let me keep my eyelashes Lord. :)

Hair and hormones

Went wig shopping with my mom yesterday and it wasn't too bad, still hard to believe this is happening. I tried on a variety of wigs and found one that would be fine for work, keep the hair out of my face. Mark and I will go back on Saturday to find one that HE likes as well. I don't think I will do well waking up to find hair all over my pillows or to have hair come out in clumps of my brushes. I think I'll probably shave my head at that point because it will be too heartbreaking. I know it's just hair and will grow back once I'm off chemo but it's still hard. I will however save money and time not having to wash my hair, get hair cuts, or curl my hair in the morning. I was thinking the other day how many times I've complained about how long it takes me to curl my hair each day. Now I'm trying to enjoy the little things in life before it all changes and that includes doing my hair each day. I've told Mark so many times he is very lucky to have a get-up-and-go look....I guess I'll have that too in a little bit.

Found out on Monday that my hormone levels are normal which means my one remaining ovary is working well. That was bitter sweet news....it works great and once I start radiation that will kill it. I want to go on hormones at that point and take an aspirin daily to offset the risk of blood clots. I DON'T want to go through menopause at this stage in life!!!! Not sure what Dr. Pikaart will say but I'm hoping he will go along with the plan. I never realized how much I love my estrogen until it was massively suppressed with the progesterone therapy. I'm realizing there are so many things I've taken for granted in life and I'm about to really see what it's like to be a sick person. Right now it hasn't fully set in because I don't look sick, once I have the port and my hair falls out, reality will definitely set in. I keep trying to tell myself this is only for about 6 months and then I get to go on with life. I just hope that I still feel like myself once this is all over. I hope the treatment doesn't leave my body scarred in a variety of ways. Too hard to think about much right now.

One part down....

I haven't written in awhile as this is such an emotional roller coaster and sometimes it was too real once written. However, I should probably document my cancer journey as this will definitely be a journey!
Had the hysterectomy and found immediately after the surgery was much harder than I had expected. Harder to get the pain under control and the back spasms. I now understand why patients take shallow breaths after any abdominal surgery...it hurts to move period! But now I see the benefits of having the DaVinci robotic surgery, the recovery time is so much faster, the incisions quite small, and I'm able to get back to my daily routine a bit quicker.
The shocking part to the surgery was finding out the frozen sections showed papillary serous adenocarinoma, a much more serious and aggressive cancer! All my other tests showed endometrial cancer which we thought occurred because of unopposed estrogen. The type of cancer I truly have is not caused by hormone imbalance so we don't know why I got it in the first place and that is terrifying to me! The next shocker was finding out the cancer had spread to one of my lymph nodes on the left side (cancer was on the right) and so I am classified as stage 3c. At the worst, I expected stage 2 so this was quite hard to hear. The lymph goes everywhere within the body and I have a very aggressive cancer, NOT good news!
My treatment plan is fairly new and they call it "The sandwich method" as I will have 3 21 day cycles of chemo, followed by 5 weeks of Mon-Fri radiation (internal and external), followed by another 3 cycles of chemo. It seems this has the best prognosis but I'll believe when I see it, it will be a 2-3 year waiting period after I finish treatment to see if it works. It's very hard not to have cancer-head these days where all you think about it cancer, treatment, side effects etc. I will get a port (a central line into the body that can stay there for years) on 3/3 and then start chemo 3/4. I will definitely lose my hair and that is upsetting, I finally like my hair the way it is. I know this will grow back and should be the least of my worries but losing hair makes all of this real, I will look like a sick person and that bothers me. So far, no one knows I have cancer unless I choose to tell them and I love that....I will lose control over that too soon. I know there is so much stuff I'm not fully dealing with but I'm trying to take it one day at a time and quite honestly, I just want to start treatment and get this over with. I'm the kind of person that thinks about all the "what ifs" and wants to be fully prepared for whatever comes my way. I'm slowly learning that with cancer there is so much you can't prepare for, you simply have to deal with it as it comes. I'm not thrilled about all the drugs they will be pumping into my body....how will all my organs handle it? I'm not a pill/drug person and I'm about to be bombarded with massive, poisonous drugs. Radiation scares me the most and I'm not sure I will be able to do that treatment like they want....trying not to think about it too much just yet.

In preparation for what's to come, I will go wig shopping with my mom tomorrow. Seems odd and I'm not sure if it will be a relief to have prepared for when I lose my own hair or if it will be overwhelming.....just have to see I suppose. Maybe I can have a totally new look that I really like or hair that I couldn't possibly grow myself, now that would be a bonus. We shall see what the experience brings!