"Feel good, look better"

I am SO glad I went to my makeover by the "Feel good, look better" program that is offered to cancer patients. I was debating on whether or not to go because I haven't liked my new look and wasn't thrilled at the idea of spending time looking at myself in a mirror. It was really nice to be surrounded by other cancer patients who totally understand what I'm going through and many of them had great tips. Plus, I wasn't the youngest one there and there were several women fairly close to my age which was very nice for a change. I exchanged numbers with two of the women (we all have different cancers) and we will all get together sometime soon.
This class teaches you how to put on makeup especially once your eyebrows and eyelashes are gone, and how to take care of your skin and nails as chemo changes everything. They also teach you how to style your wig, and how to wear scarves and bandannas with cute ways to accentuate your head. The lady running this program had me come up and be her model for some of the makeup tips and then for all the wig/scarf/bandanna tips. I think she chose me because I was the only woman at first willing to go bald and bald was what she needed. I was a bit surprised at the other women's reluctance to take off their wigs/scarves because our situation is what it is, why fight it. Anyway, she tried on a variety of wigs and gave everyone tips about styling them and then she tried on this reddish/strawberry blonde wig with a cut that reminded me of Kate's cut from "Jon & Kate plus 8." I kept thinking this wig was going to be a disaster but all the other women seemed to really like it and said it was a match for me. I kept looking for a blonde bob because that is what I've had for years and I found one somewhat similar, but the comments I got were that I looked like Sandra Dee (I wasn't sure who she was and had to ask my sister) or that it looked fine but made me look older. Well, I don't want to look any older so I've taken on the reddish wig for now. The great thing about this program is that you can trade your wigs in and pick out something else that you like for FREE. I can change my look as often as I want, now that's a perk to cancer!
When I got home and looked at my two other wigs I realized exactly what I dislike about them--the bangs or lack of bangs, so I cut them as though it was my own hair! I know that was risky and could have been quite the disaster but I'm beginning to like my wigs a bit more now, they feel a bit more like me. When my sister comes out next week maybe she can help me with the one wig I'm still a bit uncertain with as Mark likes that one the best. Go figure!
I feel much better after today! Lately it's been like living with a bad hair day over and over and maybe now I'll put those days to end. :)

Missing

Overall, I have been doing well, sometimes I'm fairly fatigued and that's still a frustrating adjustment. Exercise truly helps combat the fatigue which is good because I like exercise. :) I'm still having a hard time being bald, I miss my hair. Now that the shock has worn off I have a growing dislike for my new bald look, it's not cute or attractive! Some days I really don't feel much like wearing my wigs, they are scratchy at times and these new looks just aren't me. I'm trying to give it more time before I make a final decision on it all. I'd forgotten about scarves and finally went shopping for some today. While I didn't find anything I had in mind, I found some bandannas, so I'll give that a try around the house.
My eyelashes are continuing to thin out as well, makes the morning mascara a bit more tricky lately. I did buy some fake eyelashes just in case I can't handle it once they all fall out, it at least makes me feel like I'm in control over a small part of my look. I know I shouldn't complain about my hair, eyelashes etc. as this is temporary and I have far bigger things to worry about in the grand scheme of things. But I do believe losing all your hair, eyelashes etc. (especially for women) is part of the hardest part! Anyway, doing the makeover tomorrow and hoping I will come away from that feeling better about my new look.

I have been craving sweets lately and this is not like me, it's driving me nuts. I don't know if I'm stressed about radiation or if my hormones are still trying to settle themselves. It's not that I can't have sugar ever, it's knowing that cancers main fuel IS sugar that makes me want to stay away as much as possible. Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what is behind this battle as I CAN fix this one.

Blood counts will fall to their lowest point this week, hoping I don't hear from the MD as I would hate to be homebound!

Coming out of the chemo funk....

While I'm more fatigued this chemo round, today I'm starting to feel more like myself again. Water tastes good and that's when I really know I'm coming out of the chemo funk. I went to do my weekly blood test and saw students and to be honest I wasn't thrilled. I know everyone needs to learn by doing and I once was in the same position. Fortunately for me, I have wonderful veins that pretty much build the confidence of students so I always give them a shot, but they get one chance and that's it. I used to keep my mouth shut and let students try as many times as needed because I know it's part of the learning process but not anymore, I'm tired of being poked these days. I'm happy to report that my student did a great job first time around.
I'm starting to lose my eyelashes and eyebrows and I'm not happy about it. I suppose I'm glad this doesn't all happen at once, it gives me time to adjust to my changing look. I'm doing the "Look good, feel better" makeover program for cancer patients next week and hopefully that will help me feel a bit more prepared for my ever-changing look.



I've been wrestling with the issue of work...when to go back. Infectious Disease needs help while one of my co-workers will be out on leave for cancer-related issues, so I've started to schedule a few shifts with them. I'm also in the process of working something out with the hospital to either work shorter shifts or work in outpatient infusion (similar to ID). I'm very determined to work while going through treatment but it does make me nervous. Will I have the energy needed? Will my patients be able to tell I'm sick? Will I catch something while my immune system is down? It's a risk but one my oncologist has approved as long as my blood counts stay up. I haven't worked since the end of January and for some reason going back to work makes me a bit nervous/excited. I want things to be as "normal" as possible and I love being a nurse, so in many ways I want to get back to it. I know I will be able to relate to my patients in a whole new way and hopefully I will be able to make whatever they are facing a bit easier. And it will be good to get away from my own situation for several hours a day. I want to try working two days a week and see how that goes. I think getting back to work will be good for me, gives me a purpose and helps me feel like I'm not losing too many nursing skills. I miss ICU a ton and worry that I'm losing all kinds of skills but I know one day I will get back to it.

It's a beautiful day in Colorado. While I can't spend much time in the sun, I would like for my bald head to get some color!

Day 5 Cycle 2

Trying to document how each cycle goes in the hopes of finding patterns:
I am SO tired this chemo cycle and was told this would probably happen. I am still able to clean, cook, and do the things most important to me, it just takes me longer. I am thankful I can do things for myself still as I don't want to be a burden.
The other fun changes I'm noticing is that chemo is affecting my bowels and I'm starting to get waves of nausea. Both of these symptoms are not bad and do not require meds and I hope it stays that way.
I struggle the most with water. I'm a coffee drinker and always seem to border on dehydration, so the fact that I'm supposed to drink tons of water on chemo is not appealing to me. Not to mention that for days after chemo water tastes bad, it has become a major struggle to drink it. So far mixing water with Sprite or Propel seems to help but just barely. I know this is vital for my kidneys and so I've given up coffee for now, because the thought of drinking extra water to replace the coffee just isn't worth it. What seems to help me when I can't stand water is eating soup (because it's got water) and hot chocolate. It may not be a balanced diet but it's what works for now.

I have fallen in love with fresh air and didn't realize how much I missed it until I was confined to the house post-op. There are days where I honestly feel like staying on the couch all day and having a pity party, but once I take a walk outside, my whole outlook and mood is better. Fresh air is therapeutic and once I start working again, I will do whatever I can to help my patients get outside. Walking the dogs the other day, I realized how fortunate I am to be doing treatment during this season of the year. I can't imagine going through all this during the dead of winter!

Cancer is a humbling experience, there is no way an individual can do this by themselves. It's very hard for me to ask for help until I'm drowning but I'm rapidly learning to ask. My wonderful small group keeps reminding me that by not asking for help, I rob others of their blessing.....that's a different way to look at it. I'm very blessed to have family and friends who are willing to help me out any way that they can. We were provided a meal this week and told another meal will be coming and at first I felt guilty. Today I'm capable of cooking and am starting to feel better but it's taken me all day to clean one level of the house and I'm exhausted. I'm very thankful I don't have to cook tonight or watch Mark cook something for himself as he already works hard enough. So I'm letting go of the guilt and saving up my energy to do other things.

It worked!

I am thrilled to report that the claritin worked!!! By this day the last time, I could hardly walk and needed help with everything and this time I simply feel like I have the achy flu. I will no longer complain about Neulasta as this is very doable. I'm actually thrilled to know I can do whatever I want these next couple of days and I'm not confined to the couch or my bed. The nurse part of me wants to know how this works (no one knows why this works) but the patient part of me could care less, I'm just happy.

Today is a better day all the way around. I'm still trying to sort issues out and figure out this next part of treatment. I know I shouldn't freak out about menopause as this is something I will go through anyway.....it bothers me to go through it so young though! I think I will feel better once I talk with the radiation docs as I will be very blunt about what's important to me. I'm all for aggressive treatment as long as I still have a good quality of life too.

Went to church yesterday and someone from my small group who I haven't seen in awhile didn't recognize me with my wig. It was an awkward moment but I'm sure this sort of thing will happen more and more. His wife lost her battle with cancer so he knows exactly what we are going through and has been praying for us. He thought I looked good and I guess I'm going to have to trust others when they tell me that.

Not a good day....

Let me start by saying that while I'm thankful for the Neulasta shot as it keeps my blood counts up and therefore out of the hospital, I hate this shot!! I tried taking claritin as suggested and I'm not sure it really helps, the nurses have told me that the younger the patient, the more severe the bone pain and not much can be done about it. So I think waking up this morning feeling like crap and knowing that by tonight I will have severe bone pain and hardly able to walk for a couple of days didn't put me in the best of moods. I'm really struggling with my conversation with Dr P and I have zero peace over radiation--I DON'T WANT TO DO IT! Dr P presented my case to the tumor board and they have decided that my remaining ovary needs to come out. We had discussed this right after surgery and because radiation will kill my ovary, we both agreed to simply leave it. I am not thrilled about having yet another surgery, being placed on lifting restrictions, work restrictions etc. but I understand why they want it out. And I can't spend much time feeling sorry for myself because I choose this route when I was adamant he leave me with an ovary. I knew another surgery was a possibility and I guess I wouldn't change my decisions based on the info I had at the time. I guess what bothers me about this is that it's another unexpected, unpleasant surprise. Anyway, the good news is that we won't do this surgery until sometime in Nov, that should be about 3 months after I've completed treatment and that way he can take another look at things to see how I'm doing. There is some comfort in knowing he will see what's going on after all these treatments. The thing that bothers me the most right now is knowing I'm soon going to head into menopause and I don't want to do this at 32! I was sort of ok with it all once I found out the type of cancer I had because this is not supposed to be hormone related, so I was expecting to go on HRT once I started radiation. I had picked out the type I wanted and felt this was a compromise as I've been telling Mark all along that I'm not sure I can do radiation. Somehow, thinking I wouldn't have to deal with menopause symptoms on top of radiation side effects made me feel like I just might be able to do this part of treatment. In talking to Dr P about it all, he very clearly has said no hormones "for years" until I prove the cancer is gone. I understand his fears, but if my cancer is not hormone related than why not? I've asked that the pathology dept test my cancer to see if it is estrogen receptor positive or negative as they don't typically run those tests for uterine cancer. I don't know why I want this info to be honest, it's not like I will fully trust it. I will never fully trust any test I have; I mean if the pathology to my cancer came back TWICE as a different and less aggressive type than what I truly have than what kind of test can I trust? I'm right back to another agonizing decision---a good quality of life with hormones (if I need them) or risk getting cancer again. I have told Dr P so many times that I want a good quality of life and if that means a shorter life, that's what it means. Why can't I have both? I do not want cancer again, I don't think I could ever do this sort of thing again. But I don't want to come away from treatment scarred and miserable either, there's got to be a balance! I don't know, today I'm struggling with the fact that I'm facing another loss in the form of menopause. I need a miracle God, I need to feel like myself, to feel good once the estrogen is gone! This just isn't a good day for many reasons but thankfully, tomorrow is a new day.

Chemo Round 2

I started this blog shortly after finding out I had cancer because I knew this would be a journey and I was hoping to record whatever miracles God was going to do. While He hasn't exactly done things the way I would have hoped, I still see His hand at work and that's always exciting. I'm truly learning to live for each day and not worry so much about tomorrow. I'm a planner and I want to be prepared for everything but that's not what God calls us to do. This is a new way to live and sometimes it's stressful because it's out of my comfort box but mostly there is peace when living and focusing on today, not yesterday or tomorrow. I don't know what the rest of my cancer journey will look like and I'm slowly learning that worrying about it isn't going to change it anyway. I know whose hands I'm in and I know He promises whatever happens to me He will use it for my good....and I'm hanging on that promise until I see it come true.

My second round of chemo went even better than the first (and the first wasn't bad) as I didn't experience some of the nausea this time around. I'm not experiencing any of the bad tastes I had before, so I can actually eat and drink as I should be doing. While seeing my oncologist yesterday he asked how I was feeling and I told him I'm feeling better than I have in years. That news spread around the office as I'm sure they don't hear that every day. I'm really starting to see God's hand on me during my treatments, giving me what I need to get through each day, helping me emotionally, and protecting me from many of the bad side effects chemo can give. I'm sure there will be bad days ahead but I'm so thankful for the many good days He has given already. I honestly didn't expect to feel this good on chemo and it's a wonderful surprise and gift from God.

I shaved my head on 3/22 because it was falling out in clumps and that was more than I could handle. I was hoping to make it to my second chemo treatment with my own hair but my hair isn't as stubborn as I am after all. The day I shaved it was very emotional and hard as reality set in right then and there. It's easy sometimes to forget I have cancer when I feel so good lately and I look the same on the outside. Now that I'm bald there is a constant reminder that I'm "sick" and part of me really dislikes that, especially on the days I don't feel sick. People treat me differently too, they tend to be nicer or I can see the look of pity and most days it doesn't bother me too much but some days I hate it. Being bald takes away my option of who knows I have cancer and who doesn't and that really bugs me. There is so much loss of control when you have cancer and for a control-freak like me, that is very hard! I have my 2 wigs and they are ok, it's probably going to take some time to adjust to them. My wigs have far more volume than I ever have and always wanted but it's weird to see them on me. There's a lot of insecurity with my wigs too--I wonder if people are staring at my wig, can they tell it's a wig. Weather issues like wind and rain can pose a problem probably because I'm not comfortable with my wigs yet. I'm sure it gets easier with time. There are perks to not having hair--I'll spend less on shampoos/conditioners, hair products and hair cuts, and I'm able to get ready SO much quicker. I'm almost as fast as Mark now, I always envied how quickly he got ready. Be careful what you wish for I guess. :)

I find it so amusing that everyone at the cancer center wanted to see my head, there's something about bald heads that they like and find "cute." Dr P told me I was the "best looking bald patient he has" ( I think he was trying to make me feel better about being bald). Being bald seems to be a badge of courage at the cancer center and I'm not sure I feel the same way about it yet. I'm focusing on this being temporary and praying God gives me thick and maybe some curl to my hair when it starts growing back.

In spite of all the losses happening for Mark and I, there is much to be thankful about. I think as a couple we are gaining a whole new perspective on life, marriage, and our relationship with Christ. I would NEVER have chosen this path but I'm hopeful for what will come from it. I hope we are better individuals and a better couple because of cancer. I hope at the end of all of this we can look around and truly say that God is good....all the time. We shall see what this journey holds.