1/3 of treatment down!

My third chemo cycle went pretty well and my sister was here for the journey. She too is a nurse so I always know she is watching everyone like a hawk and I can take a bit of a break. I must say that this chemo was a bit unnerving as my nurse didn't have the best practises like she should. She didn't always wipe down my IV line hubs with alcohol prior to connecting a new line to it and that poor habit can introduce bacteria, which leaves me very vulnerable to all sorts of things. I felt a bit better knowing that as Lisa witnessed the same things I did, her first response was to pray for protection for me while I was busy going through all the "what ifs." It was a good reminder that God is ultimately in control. I will say however, that next time I WILL say something to prevent this from ever happening again. I'll be that paranoid nurse patient if I need to be! Each cycle I learn something new and this time around I learned to drink two water bottles of water while chemo is running....and definitely before the carboplantin as that's when the taste of water changes instantly. I'm very sensitive to salt and always gain about 5-6lbs with each chemo strictly from the saline fluids they give me. By drinking so much water while chemo is running, I avoid the fluid retention and it's great for my kidneys and liver too.
I've completed 3 rounds of chemo and therefore done with the first part of the "sandwich method." I have to say that I am SO happy to get a break from chemo for a bit. My blood counts fall with each chemo and while I'm still in the "normal" range (thanks to Neulasta), I'm not sure they would have hung in there for 3 more cycles. And I'm hoping this break allows me to keep some eyelashes and eyebrows too. I am happy for the break but will miss the predictability of chemo as I know when to expect bad days and how long they will last. I meet with the radiation oncologists tomorrow to find out my schedule and I've got a TON of questions. I do not want to do radiation but the prognosis without it is quite poor, so I don't have much choice really. This is where my faith is truly tested as only God can provide me peace of mind about what I'm about to walk through. Only God can protect me from the negative side effects and only He can protect the areas that don't need radiation. I know I shouldn't be nervous about placing this part of treatment into His hands because that's the best place to be, but my heart hasn't caught up with my head on this matter. I'm very afraid of what God will allow to happen in this portion of treatment...and I feel badly saying that because look at how much He has helped me through chemo, why would radiation be any different? My sister and I talked a lot about how cancer for me is a spiritual battle more than a physical battle. If God is for me, who can be against me? Why do I struggle with this on a heart level so much??

I did find out that my cancer is estrogen receptor negative meaning that in theory, estrogen should NOT feed my cancer. However, I'm still not allowed HRT therapy for years and I don't fully understand all of this. I think because my cancer has two different cell types (uterine cancer and papillary) no one wants to risk giving me something on the off chance it will feed the uterine cancer cells. I understand that part of it but it's disappointing.
Dr P took a look at my port and yes, the suture had surfaced and was quite uncomfortable at times. When he told me this had never happened to any of his patients before, I was not surprised because I've been telling him all along that I'm the exception to the rule. Gotta love that! After some brief discussion, it was decided he would do a mini-procedure in the office to cut open the skin and cut off the "tail" part of the suture. The procedure went very well and I'm so much more comfortable, thank you Dr P! I can now say that I have officially been in EVERY room of his practise.

I'm feeling pretty well today, very tired and my body is very sore. Every time I get that neulasta shot I swear the claritin is not working but it does, I need to be patient. By day six I should feel more like myself again and my tastes should return to normal.

On the wig-front, I've gotten another blonde wig as I'm still trying to find something that I'm 100% comfortable with. Lisa thinks my new one is a Meg Ryan type of look and more current in style than my other 80's looks. I've got to name my wigs as I'm starting to get a collection. :) I'm glad Lisa was here to help sort some of them out, it reminded me of our college days when we lived together and shared hair/make-up tips.

Unsettled

I have been very unsettled today and I'm not entirely sure what this is about. I haven't been spending time in the Word like I should and I know that always makes a difference, so I spent some time listening to James MacDonald. He's preaching a sermon series called "God at Work" which has been timely for me. I have days where if I'm honest, I'm upset with God. This isn't exactly the life I thought I would have and I know I'm still sorting through the areas of loss. I've got to stay focused on God or the pity-party attitude moves in quickly and that's not how I want to be.
I'm working tomorrow for ID and working the full day. I don't think I'm too nervous about this because I already know what to expect and how to do that job. I might be slightly worried about the pace as it can be very fast pace but surely I can handle that for one day!
Maybe I'm unsettled about chemo on Thursday? I always feel pressured to get all the things done important to me as chemo knocks me down for a few days. I feel somewhat pressured to eat the things I really like as well because my tastes change too. I think I'm nervous about seeing Dr P as I have questions for him and I'm somewhat afraid of his answers. I'm nervous about my port as I'm pretty sure one of the sutures has moved toward the surface causing some discomfort. I think the only way it can be fixed is with another surgery and even though its minor surgery, I'd rather live with the discomfort than go under the knife again. Maybe he can break it through the skin and cut that suture out? I'll get my answers on Thursday!

It seems like this chemo came way too quickly and I'm not ready for it. Part of me wants to get this over with because it will mean I'm a 1/3 of the way through treatment and 1/2 way through chemo. Part of me feels like I'm finally getting back to work and would like to work a few more days before I'm filled with poison again. Part of me doesn't want to do this chemo because then it means I'm moving all the more closer to radiation. It will be nice to see my sister again though.....just wish it was under happy circumstances. I'm happy to report that I still have eyelashes and eyebrows, I hope they continue to be stubborn and hang on!

Good weekend

It felt great to get back to work as I love being a nurse. The department I'm working in is mostly oncology but there are non-cancer patients with infections or the need for some type of medication infusion. It's funny because cancer patients used to scare me a bit as I always felt badly for them and couldn't relate to what they were going through. Now, there is an instant connection to any cancer patient and many times, the advice I give is from personal experience whether they know that or not. I found it so ironic each time I gave someone the neulasta shot and made it a point to see how they were coping with it. One of my patients really complained about the shot and when I mentioned to her that it was harder than chemo, she gave me this look like you actually get it. I taught a couple of my patients about the claritin secret and shared my personal experience with that bit of info and they were thrilled, I hope it works out just as good for them too. The nurse I was working with this weekend asked how I knew about claritin as she had never heard anything about it, so I shared my story with her. It made me feel better to know she had no idea I had cancer as she told me I didn't have that "cancer look" to me.....at least not yet anyway. I did find that most of my patients are also trying to stay away from germs and so being super careful with everything. So I didn't really worry about getting sick from any of my patients, it just wasn't something I worried about while there. I took some extra masks home so now I'm prepared if my counts drop or if I'm around others who are obviously sick. Even though I worked for 4 hrs each day, I found myself pretty tired by the afternoon and that is frustrating. I'm wondering how I will do working a full 8hr day! I've been hoping to work two days a week but that may not happen, I may only be able to work one day a week. Anyway, I'm SO glad I'm giving this a try as it feels wonderful to be working again, and I loved providing my patients education they had not heard and will hopefully help their own cancer journey. This also puts things into perspective for me as some of my patients were younger than me or their situation is far worse.

While I was at work, I did some reading on my type of cancer from the physicians books because they should have the best sources (and to be honest I'm trying make a case for HRT should I really want it). The whole thing does not sound very good and while I learned a bit more about my situation and therefore have some more questions for Dr P, the reading was a bit of a downer. I knew from my previous research that this type of cancer was the worst type, very aggressive, and sometimes not very responsive to current treatment. I didn't realize how rare this type of cancer was for one thing, or that I may be more prone to other specific types of cancers down the road. There was other downer-type of info and all I can say is that I have questions.....and hopefully the results for the estrogen receptor are in at my next appt and that I AM glad I asked to have them run those tests. Let me just say that from now on I will be very selective on what I read from here on out. Knowledge is good but I've got to remember that I'm not a statistic and with God, anything is possible.

I'm having some port issues which is a bit scary. I have some cancer friends who say "Don't waste a good panic until it's warranted" and I'm trying to remember that for this situation. I've felt this occasional burning sensation at my port site with different movements, it never lasts long. However, this morning I palpated around my port when that sensation came and felt something poking me back! However, because I was on my way to work, I figured I would deal with it later and when I did, I couldn't find that same spot. This evening I experienced the exact same situation and when I looked in the mirror to see what was poking me, I could see something dark. Now that freaked me out a bit! The on-call MD wasn't sure what it could be but when I asked how they suture these ports and he described that process to me....we both believe one of the sutures has worked it's way up a bit and that's what I'm able to see and feel. Nothing can be done about it tonight, so we shall see what Dr P thinks about it all tomorrow. I hope he tells me this is okay and there is no reason to go back in there and re-do anything to the port. My skin is so thin around that area that I really don't want anyone messing with it at this point. I'm praying the port is still functional because I really want to do my 3rd chemo cycle this week!

Answered prayer and new beginnings

Found out today that Mark's school is happy with the way he is running the autistic program and therefore want him to remain there. This is a huge answer to prayer for obvious reasons. I couldn't imagine him looking for a job this summer plus helping me with treatment, it would have been way too much!! As a teacher, March and April can be an unsettling time of the year as the school system can decide not to renew their contract with you for just about any reason. Normally, I've handled this stress ok but this year was different and yes, I freaked out some days. I'm sure this process would have been much easier had I trusted God but....

Then I got a call from my boss at the hospital to ask if I had received her email, which I had not. She had scheduled me to work a couple of days this week (which I didn't know about and therefore didn't) and this weekend. At first my heart sank because there is no way I could work that much right from the start, I want to ease back into things. Once my mind caught up with the conversation I realized these are 4 hr shifts and that is doable. I'm excited to step back into the hospital and NOT as a patient but as a nurse. I'm excited to have a purpose and to learn about an area of the hospital I have not worked with. I'm excited at the possibilities but to be honest I'm scared too. I'm scared that my cover will be blown and my patients will know that I'm sick. I want to be able to choose which patients I tell my story to. For some reason, I tend to think that if my patients know I'm sick, it will be a sign of weakness and who wants a weak nurse. It's funny because it's not like this is new territory for me, I mean I was diagnosed in Oct 09 and worked all the way up until surgery. It must be the hair subject again that is making me nervous because I've had cancer all along. I can't wait for the day I can wear a wig and not worry or think about it....that day can not come soon enough. I'm scared I won't have the energy to be a nurse. While that thought bothers me a lot I'm determined to try and fail than not try at all. I'm scared that I will relate too much to my patients (because I will be working with a lot of cancer patients) and therefore not be the best nurse I can be. Working in trauma and critical care areas, I have learned that there is a very fine balance between wearing your heart on your sleeve and keeping some distance in order to do the job you need to do. If I relate too much to my patients, it's going to be a struggle to do some of the procedures I need to do to give them the best chance even though I'm causing pain initially. I hope I find that balance between compassion and distance quickly. I'm sure working in this area will be a journey in and of itself. And lastly, I'm scared that I'm going to get sick because of all the germs I'm being exposed to. Working in a hospital is NOT the ideal situation while having a compromised immune system but it's what I do. When I talk with other cancer patients they think I'm crazy to do this and sometimes I too think I'm missing a few screws. BUT the way I live in the hospital setting and the way I live at home are very very different. I don't touch my face at work and I don't eat while charting or while doing anything nurse-like. I wash my hands all the time and while it's hard to describe, I'm just very aware of my surroundings and what I'm doing with my hands at all times. At home I don't think about it, I touch door knobs, keyboard, remotes etc. and don't always wash my hands before touching my face or getting something to eat. I've always told Mark, it's impossible to live at home like I live at the hospital so I need him to be as healthy as possible. Anyway, at least my blood counts are on their way back up and I never heard from my oncologist, so I'm not in danger this week. The good thing about working in this area of the hospital is that most patients are also battling their own germ warfare and so tend to not cough or sneeze in my face. The stories I could tell! :)
Well, I'm entering back into the workforce and I'm a bit stressed about it.....but I'm sure once I'm there everything will fall into place.

Fear vs Faith

I've always struggled with trusting God, it's difficult to admit because I should be past this point but it's where I'm still at. I tend to view God as a cosmic cop and I'm always waiting for Him to pull the rug out from under my feet. The rug, so to speak has been pulled out many many times in the last few years and I'm tired. With all that has been going on and being able to see God's hand on me and over my treatment, I guess I thought I had grown a bit in this department....until today. I spent the day in prayer laying a big concern at His feet and not totally realizing that I'd picked that concern right back up once the conversation was over. I'm a planner and want to be prepared for everything which of course is not only impossible but exhausting, and I know God never meant for me to live that way but it is SO hard to stop. What's that saying again, "doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is the definition of insanity." Anyway, towards the end of today I was an emotional wreck as I realized I still do not trust God. I pray for what I hope to happen and then spend a great deal of time fearing that God will give me the exact opposite. God answered my prayer today, in fact, things turned out better than I had prayed but even after hearing that news I was a tearful mess. This distrust is exhausting and I'm exhausted. What is it going to take for me to fully trust God? I do not want to be this way and yet I really don't know how not to. I've read many books on faith and trusting God, I've talked to others who have gone through horrible ordeals and still trust God, all in the hope that I would find the answers I'm searching for. I know faith is a choice, it's not a feeling (and that's only something I truly learned in the last couple of years) but I still struggle. I'm frustrated and discouraged by my lack of faith. Life doesn't have to be this hard and tiring and I know that, but it's not translating to my heart yet I guess. I wasted today on fear and I am exhausted because of it. Let me at least learn a little bit from this so as not to repeat it again tomorrow.

Did the blood test today and keeping my fingers crossed I do not hear from my MD. No news is great news in the oncology world.

"Feel good, look better"

I am SO glad I went to my makeover by the "Feel good, look better" program that is offered to cancer patients. I was debating on whether or not to go because I haven't liked my new look and wasn't thrilled at the idea of spending time looking at myself in a mirror. It was really nice to be surrounded by other cancer patients who totally understand what I'm going through and many of them had great tips. Plus, I wasn't the youngest one there and there were several women fairly close to my age which was very nice for a change. I exchanged numbers with two of the women (we all have different cancers) and we will all get together sometime soon.
This class teaches you how to put on makeup especially once your eyebrows and eyelashes are gone, and how to take care of your skin and nails as chemo changes everything. They also teach you how to style your wig, and how to wear scarves and bandannas with cute ways to accentuate your head. The lady running this program had me come up and be her model for some of the makeup tips and then for all the wig/scarf/bandanna tips. I think she chose me because I was the only woman at first willing to go bald and bald was what she needed. I was a bit surprised at the other women's reluctance to take off their wigs/scarves because our situation is what it is, why fight it. Anyway, she tried on a variety of wigs and gave everyone tips about styling them and then she tried on this reddish/strawberry blonde wig with a cut that reminded me of Kate's cut from "Jon & Kate plus 8." I kept thinking this wig was going to be a disaster but all the other women seemed to really like it and said it was a match for me. I kept looking for a blonde bob because that is what I've had for years and I found one somewhat similar, but the comments I got were that I looked like Sandra Dee (I wasn't sure who she was and had to ask my sister) or that it looked fine but made me look older. Well, I don't want to look any older so I've taken on the reddish wig for now. The great thing about this program is that you can trade your wigs in and pick out something else that you like for FREE. I can change my look as often as I want, now that's a perk to cancer!
When I got home and looked at my two other wigs I realized exactly what I dislike about them--the bangs or lack of bangs, so I cut them as though it was my own hair! I know that was risky and could have been quite the disaster but I'm beginning to like my wigs a bit more now, they feel a bit more like me. When my sister comes out next week maybe she can help me with the one wig I'm still a bit uncertain with as Mark likes that one the best. Go figure!
I feel much better after today! Lately it's been like living with a bad hair day over and over and maybe now I'll put those days to end. :)

Missing

Overall, I have been doing well, sometimes I'm fairly fatigued and that's still a frustrating adjustment. Exercise truly helps combat the fatigue which is good because I like exercise. :) I'm still having a hard time being bald, I miss my hair. Now that the shock has worn off I have a growing dislike for my new bald look, it's not cute or attractive! Some days I really don't feel much like wearing my wigs, they are scratchy at times and these new looks just aren't me. I'm trying to give it more time before I make a final decision on it all. I'd forgotten about scarves and finally went shopping for some today. While I didn't find anything I had in mind, I found some bandannas, so I'll give that a try around the house.
My eyelashes are continuing to thin out as well, makes the morning mascara a bit more tricky lately. I did buy some fake eyelashes just in case I can't handle it once they all fall out, it at least makes me feel like I'm in control over a small part of my look. I know I shouldn't complain about my hair, eyelashes etc. as this is temporary and I have far bigger things to worry about in the grand scheme of things. But I do believe losing all your hair, eyelashes etc. (especially for women) is part of the hardest part! Anyway, doing the makeover tomorrow and hoping I will come away from that feeling better about my new look.

I have been craving sweets lately and this is not like me, it's driving me nuts. I don't know if I'm stressed about radiation or if my hormones are still trying to settle themselves. It's not that I can't have sugar ever, it's knowing that cancers main fuel IS sugar that makes me want to stay away as much as possible. Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what is behind this battle as I CAN fix this one.

Blood counts will fall to their lowest point this week, hoping I don't hear from the MD as I would hate to be homebound!