Jezebel

I get a three week break between radiation and returning to chemo, I'm very excited! Mark and I have been planning to head to AZ to see my family as this is the time to see my nieces. I find kids and animals to be so therapeutic. I think one of the hardest parts of chemo is trying to avoid kids as they can potentially carry such bad germs. Because I get one shot at an aggressive treatment, it's best that nothing delay any part of treatment. I haven't seen my nieces in about a year and even though I talk with them on the phone, there's nothing like getting to squeeze them in person. However, our plans have been put on hold as Jez started to get sick on Tuesday. I know I've said it before, my dogs are my kids! Ten (almost 11) years ago I went to a breeder to pick out a mini schnauzer but this breeder had two sisters left and I couldn't break them up. I can always tell those who go to church because they always ask why in the world I would name my dog Jezebel. :) My sister and I were in college and I wanted to pick biblical names for my dogs, I picked out Grace for the one and she picked out Jezebel. Also, Jez was quite the trouble-maker from day one, into everything so the name fit. Anyway, because they are getting up there in dog years anytime they get sick it worries me, however, Jez has a special concern attached anytime she gets sick. Last year she was found to have cancer of the spleen (which sits right next to the liver), they removed the spleen and told us it was an aggressive cancer and had more than likely spread microscopic cancer cells to the liver. It didn't look good and I started praying for more time. She has done far better than anything the vet had hoped for! When I was diagnosed with cancer several months later and then found out I too had an aggressive type, I've often thought of our ordeal with Jez and that with God anything is possible. Sometimes I wonder if God used the experience with Jez to prepare me for my own battle as she is my constant reminder of hope. So on Tuesday night when she was having hourly explosive diarrhea, I started worrying that this was the beginning of the end. I was fairly sure her cancer was back and angry at the timing of this new trial. I have been praying that both dogs make it through my treatment from day one as I just can't bear another loss right now. I have to say that I feel like Satan has been full on attacking us for over a year and I'm weary. Sometimes it feels like God's hedge of protection isn't there and I know I shouldn't trust my feelings but this one has been hard to shake at times. So again Tuesday night, all my issues with God came to the forefront as I was angry and full of questions and tears. By Wednesday morning, I really didn't feel much like celebrating my final radiation day because I was finishing one battle just to replace it with another. Again, I'm thankful for the prayers of others as I was struggling to pray. She actually started to perk up a bit yesterday night but I was trying to keep my hopes in check this morning on the way to the vet. I'm tired of bad news and was trying to prepare myself for whatever was coming. Her blood tests came back good and the vet doesn't believe this is related to cancer, so the plan is to treat her conservatively for now. The hope is that she will continue to respond well and we can still head to AZ. Before we left, the vet (this wasn't our usual MD) told us that his dog had the exact same cancer and he removed his dog's spleen the same day he felt the tumor. I asked if his dog was doing well too and was floored when he responded "she died a month later." As we drove home, I felt convicted of yet again accusing God of not being good because things weren't going as I had hoped. Jez isn't out of the woods yet, we don't know if she will respond to the meds and make a full recovery. No matter what happens, I'm trying to simply be thankful for this extra year with her because God didn't have to give me this extra time. Isn't it amazing how quickly our perspective can change?

This picture is truly Jez--whenever Mark eats, she is his faithful companion!

Radiation complete

I am thrilled to report I finished radiation and looking forward to my new found freedom tomorrow! I was given a graduation certificate and got to ring the bell, it was a satisfying moment. While laying on the table for the last time, I couldn't help but go over the many ways God has protected me and made this part of treatment manageable. I had been SO terrified of radiation and dreaded this part of treatment from the first time I was told it was needed. I really feel like this part of treatment has been a faith walk and God has once again showed me that He was not only present throughout, but in control the whole time. This whole cancer journey has been an experience I'm sure I will always draw on when fears pop up as God has come through for me SO many times! I'm still battling all kinds of fears but I'm learning to take steps forward in spite of the fear and not let my fears totally consume me. Don't get me wrong, I still have plenty of freak outs, tears, and what-are-you-doing-God moments. I'm beyond relieved to know that this part of treatment is over! I will see Dr Monroe in three months for follow-up and once I've completely finished treatment, I will start having CTs every 3-4 months.

I also got the results from my genetic testing and I do NOT have any mutations for Lynch Syndrome! Praise God!! I'm a "medical mystery" for a couple of reasons and for the first time yesterday I was ok with that news. Some things simply aren't answered in this lifetime.

Mark and I went to the Cancer Survivor dinner Tuesday night sponsored by The American Cancer Society, it was nice. We sat at a table with a German women who has battled breast cancer twice (and won) and her daughter who has battled uterine cancer (and won). They had a motivational speaker who Mark and I found for lack of a better word unmotivated. He was one of those you-create-your-own-destiny-with-the-power-of-positive-thinking types and not that I don't believe in positive thinking, I just don't believe that I control my destiny. I believe that God is in control and everything happens for a reason. I came away from the dinner with a greater appreciation for my relationship with Christ because I can't imagine doing cancer without God. It's interesting because I'm still working through different issues--there's still some anger and I'm not at the point of saying all that God has allowed is good, BUT I'm grateful He is in control of my situation and I'm really leaning on some of His promises like never before. There is some excitement for what's on the other side of this because I know cancer happened to me for a reason and I can't wait to see the good that will come out of it. I came away from the dinner wondering how can someone with cancer truly have hope if they don't have God? Honestly, I'm slowly learning that I'd rather have God than my uterus, or kids, or my life plans. Only God can take my losses and turn them into something better than I had ever imagined or hoped for....THAT'S hope!

I am two-thirds of the way through treatment with only 3 more cycles of chemo to go! :)

Adjustment

Let me explain these pics because I know the color isn't me. Mark went with me to radiation and the wig salon was open and he had never been in there, so we checked it out and I came home with two new wigs. I now have another blonde wig similar to my Meg Ryan wig but with less curl and then this long auburn one. We picked it because this is my chance to have long hair as I've never been able to have decent looking long hair. Now I can braid this and do all the things I've wanted to do that just wouldn't work with my own hair. This is the bonus side to chemo, you can change your look as often as you like. All Mark can say about this look is that it's "wild." In case anyone is keeping track of all my wigs, I'm returning the short red one from my makeover. A girl can only have so many looks to choose from!

This weekend was a mixed bag type of weekend. I did not sleep well Friday night as menopause has really begun and I was having night sweats, so woke up Saturday morning fairly angry about the whole situation. I was a bit surprised by my own attitude as I knew this was coming, and yet some days the reality of what's taking place is too much. I know I shouldn't keep complaining about how unfair this is as some people have situations much worse and yet maintain a positive outlook....I'm praying about it all, I don't want to remain bitter. I should say that so far menopause hasn't been horrible, I have warm flushes during the day (that's what they are like for me at this point), and I'm feeling more stable emotionally again. This may just be the beginning but I'm praying that the transition will continue to go smoothly. I'm just thankful that the majority of radiation is done before menopause started setting in, that would have been too much to deal with all at once! The other thing that really bothered me this weekend was the fatigue factor, it's pretty severe towards the end of the week. Each week my "team" asks me to rate my fatigue and I've told them this is worse than chemo, I'd take chemo any day of the week instead of radiation. I've been told this is an "unusual" response as most people feel better on radiation. At this point, I simply have to laugh and say that I'm the problem child of the cancer center. Today I asked how quickly the fatigue will dissipate once I finish radiation and was told anywhere from several months to a year! I'm praying I'm abnormal on this too, that my energy levels will come back much faster than anyone expects. I'd like to be on the good side of abnormal for a change now! Anyway, just as I was perfecting my pity-party Sunday came around and my energy levels returned, plus I slept a sweat-free night. I'm always being reminded to hang in there, that things can totally change for the better given some time.
I have seven more days of radiation and I couldn't be more excited. The radiation machine broke last week so I had a day off which came at the perfect time. Unfortunately they tacked one additional day at the end of my previous schedule to make up for the missed day. I was more than willing to totally let that day go but they want me to get my moneys worth. I have a lot of fears about what will happen once radiation is over because this is a time where the body tries to repair the cells that were damaged. It sounds like a good thing but bad things can happen in the process, things like bowel obstruction. I hate these unknowns and yet there's not much I can do about it. I wish my faith muscle would grow overnight!
I'm debating on whether or not to ask about my platelet counts as I'm bruising everywhere and we are talking BIG bruises. I'm sure they aren't super low but they must be on low side, plus I'm taking an aspirin daily. While I want to know where my numbers are at, I don't want to get poked. We shall see which side wins out this week.

Genetic counseling

Met with my genetic counselor today and found I wasn't as anxious as I thought I would be. The short story is that so far I'm a medical mystery as our family tree is fairly "boring" and in the genetic world that's a great thing. It's boring until me, I mean if you look at the risk factors and my family tree, I shouldn't have cancer. They are going to test me for Lynch Syndrome as that's really the only thing right now that could be a possibility. This is a genetic mutation that means you are more prone to uterine, colon, ovarian, and I think stomach cancer. They are sending some of my tumor cells off to a special lab and if they find any of the four possible genetic mutations, then I will have further blood tests. I hope I don't have Lynch Syndrome and yet if I test negative for that, then why do I have this cancer in the first place? I may never get that answered but I'm at least going to try. Anyway, I should get some more answers in about 10 days.

I'm starting to get a bit anxious before each radiation treatment now and I'm really trying to keep that in check. I find myself laying on that table and praying about my attitude towards this part of treatment as it's not the greatest. I'm trying to remind myself of the things I'm thankful for about radiation so that hopefully I stop grumbling about it. I'm sure Mark is tired of hearing how much I hate this and wish I could simply quit. I had a minor scare today--while getting the second pass of radiation the machine suddenly stopped, then started again for a few inches, then stopped. I had been told last week the machine was being grumpy and while I don't really know what that means, that just can't be a good thing. Each time the machine stopped my heart skipped a few beats and the "what if" queen that I am went through many case scenarios of what could possibly go wrong. That created a quick attitude adjustment right there, I was thankful to finish out the treatment without the machine doing something it shouldn't! Anyway, it doesn't help that this last part of treatment the side effects are more noticeable and that's just the way it goes. I think the side effects add to my fears because I'm worried about what this means for me in the future. My bladder is definitely irritated and while this is a "normal" part of treatment I'm really concerned that this may mean I'll get bladder cancer in the future. I'm finding that I'm not very good at living in the present, I tend to live in the past or focus on the future and it's no wonder I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world sometimes. God simply wants me to live for today. I wish heart knowledge was as easy as head knowledge!

On the hair front, I've been shaving my head as I don't want to go through losing it twice. I'm actually back to shaving again which is pretty exciting and I never thought I'd say that. Plus, my eyelashes and eyebrows are growing back, it's an exciting time around here where hair is concerned. I'm trying not to get too attached to all my new growth as I'll lose again once chemo starts but for now, it's just great to see parts of my body function the way it did pre-cancer. It's kinda crazy the things I appreciate now. :)

emotional chaos

I've really been struggling these last few days and I'm not sure if this is just part of the spiritual battle, or I'm starting to process some of the losses, or I'm simply tired of treatment, or a mixture of everything. I'm definitely angry and I know I shouldn't be as God has already done so many wonderful things for me, but I'm still angry with this hand I've been dealt. I know it's my choice to either get better or get bitter and I'm waffling between the two depending on the day. I think the fact that I won't have biological children is starting to set in and I'm dealing with pieces of it at a time. There are so many losses that occurred so quickly and with all the fears and prepping for treatment, I just couldn't deal with all the emotions. Fear over the unknowns of treatment outweighed dealing with all that had just happened. Maybe some of the emotions I stuffed away are starting to surface,which is good. I think I'm starting the whole menopause process too as my skin is VERY dry and many times I feel like crying with no good reason. The day is going well and all of a sudden there are tears, I feel a bit like a crazy person these days. It's extremely frustrating to not be able to control (or explain) my emotions, it gets added to the list of things I can't control.
I know I need radiation and so on the one hand I'm thankful to be able to forge forward, on the other hand I truly hate it! I hate doing this to my body and I'm scared of the damage it is causing. I guess what's really bothering me is that this would be worth it if I knew this is what it takes to become cancer-free. I'm afraid I'm going through all these motions, damaging my body in the process and in the end I'll find this didn't eradicate the cancer. What then? I'm not doing radiation for this ever again!
Mark has been doing a lot around the house as I'm just so tired lately. I feel like all I do these days is eat, sleep, and go to treatment. I'm SO thankful to have the next three days off, I really need it!

Halfway point

Today is my halfway point through radiation AND overall treatment!!!!! I seriously can't wait for all of this to be done and very excited to be done with radiation. I remember sitting in one of Dr P's exam rooms to find out what stage my cancer was asking if he had good news for me this time because I was overdue. When he told me he didn't have good news I wasn't too concerned because I had prepared myself for the cancer to have spread to a fallopian tube or ovary at the worst. I remember hearing the words lymph node and that's when everything came to a screeching halt, my mind simply couldn't work fast enough to compute the rest of what I was hearing. It was so overwhelming and while Dr P was trying to sell me on the next six months of treatment, I was busy calculating all the changes that would occur. In many ways it seems like just a few weeks have gone by since that day and in other ways, it feels like a lifetime ago.
I got a Souper Salad coupon in the mail yesterday, it must be a sign! :)

Everything went well with ACLS and it was very nice to see co-workers I haven't seen in several months. They loved the hair changes (Meg Ryan wig) and were quite shocked when I explained what I've been up to lately. I could tell it was one of those too-close-to-home moments because for some reason, those of us in the medical field tend to believe these types of things won't happen to us, or we will recognize the symptoms before it gets too far. Then a co-worker becomes ill or becomes our patient and it rocks our world. I don't know why we do this. I have to say too, that I wonder what people expect me to look like with stage 3 cancer because I always hear how good I look, so it makes me wonder how am I supposed to look? I think people hear stage 3 or 4 cancer and they expect you to look like you're on your death bed (I used to think that) but with all the medical advances, you can look fairly normal I guess. Anyway, I realized how much I miss ICU and I can't wait to get back into that stressful world again! Something to work towards I suppose. I held up very well through Monday, thank you for all the prayers. I crashed on Tuesday and spent most of the day on the couch exhausted, it's amazing how fatigued I am with radiation.
Picked up a copy of my last chemo cycle blood test results and was shocked to see my WBC count fall below the "normal" range, it was barely below but still! Anytime I look at my paper results whether it's blood or pathology reports, it doesn't seem to fully register that it's ME they are talking about. There's a disconnect there and it's weird, I guess I'm still struggling with how this could have happened in the first place. I suppose I want answers and maybe God will never reveal them to me and if that's the case, I think I'll be OK with that. I'm scheduled for genetic counseling next week to see if there is some genetic mutation and if so, what other cancers am I more likely to get. To be honest, I have mixed feelings about doing this but I know it's wise not only for me but for my family as well. The theory is that if I find a genetic mutation and know I'm prone to other certain cancers, I can be more proactive in trying to prevent them. I guess I'm afraid that these test results will bring more fear into my life that I don't need, and yet I know that to a certain degree what I do with fear is a choice. So for now, I'm feeling the fear and walking through it anyway. I have a feeling I'm going to be learning a lot about fear and trust over the next few years.

Anxious

I LOVE having the weekends off from radiation and am finding myself a bit anxious about going back tomorrow. I think part of the anxiety is that I've got to renew my ACLS license so the day will be a full one with radiation in the morning, followed by a five hour class in the afternoon. This class will be filled with memorial employees only and the bulk of them from ICU/CCU.....all of whom I haven't seen since before the cancer diagnosis. In some ways, I look forward to seeing people I haven't seen in several months. However, I don't look forward to explaining why I haven't been working in their department and about the obvious hair change. Some days I don't mind sharing my story and other days I don't want to go into it, today I'm feeling like not sharing and hoping tomorrow is different. Plus, depending on how things go tomorrow, I may have to talk with the instructor (whom I know) to give her a heads up on why I have to leave the room so often. One of the side effects from radiation is that your bladder becomes irritated meaning you have to urinate frequently....and you just can't wait! While my IBS is much better, I'm still making frequent bathroom trips for that as well. I can't wait for tomorrow to be over with and really wish I had gotten this class out of the way before radiation began. Oh well, it is what it is. I think the other part of the anxiety is that each week is a waiting game. Tomorrow is day 10 when I'm "supposed" to start expecting side effects so I wonder exactly what that will mean. I'm wondering when is my ovary supposed to die and menopause to start. And I guess if I'm honest I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, for everything to suddenly become overwhelming or for all my fears to come true all at once. I know this isn't the most optimistic attitude but it's an honest account of this emotional roller coaster. One day things are going really well and the next day feels like I'm never going to make it. Thankfully on the bad days I know that "this too shall pass" and tomorrow may be totally different. All I know is that when I've completed radiation I am having a mini-celebration at Souper Salad.

On the hair-front, I am starting to grow blonde peach fuzz. I planned on shaving my head throughout radiation because I don't want to go through the whole falling out phase again when chemo starts, but I didn't expect to be this excited to see hair on my head. It's so soft that I can't stop rubbing my head, I love it. :) I'll take it day by day for now and if I actually let it grow enough, I'll take a pic and post it. I have officially placed my hair order to God--I would love thick, blonde, curly hair, but I'll take whatever He chooses to give me too.