Foster Parents

Please join us in prayer about becoming foster parents. This is something I had considered from time to time but never said a word to Mark about it because I was simply toying with the idea. However, out of the blue, recently Mark said to me that maybe we should consider being foster parents. I'm starting to wonder if God is leading us down this path and so we are in the beginning phases of making phone calls and asking lots of questions. There are lots of fears/concerns but I know that if this is what we should be doing, everything will fall into place. I'm actually content in not having kids so the idea of turning our entire world upside down is a bit unnerving, and yet how could we not help troubled families simply because our life as a couple is comfortable. I'm very passionate about animals and kids, there is something about standing up for those who can't stand up for themselves that really appeals to me. It sort of feels crazy to be looking into this when I'm not even a year out from treatment but then again, some of the things I felt were crazy timing-wise, turned out to be perfect timing in hindsight. Anyway, I would appreciate all the prayer we can get as this is a big, scary, exciting step into the unknown. I don't know what our future holds and that's okay because I know who holds my future!

Glimpses of the other side

I'm in a season of gratefulness as it is not lost on me the difference a year makes. Last year around this time I was in the middle of radiation and chemo. Yesterday Mark and I were out playing tennis together, it is something we always said we would start doing but we allowed life to get in the way. God is SO good! Yesterday while talking with my sister-in-law, God reminded me of some of the lessons I have been learning. While most of us dislike trials, I have been clinging to the promise that there is purpose to our pain. I cried out to God so many times in the last couple of years as I needed to know there was a purpose to my pain. There are many verses from the bible that I hung onto but I kept coming back to one in particular. Job 23:10 "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold." When I finally accepted that fact that God was allowing me to go through a trial, I made the choice to wait for the "coming out as gold" part. The Greek word trial means to prove by testing; James MacDonald talks about the definition of a trial being "a painful circumstance allowed by God to change my conduct and my character." It is important to understand how gold is refined because it really is a perfect picture of Gods methods with us. When gold comes out of the ground it is mixed with other metals and impurities, the first part is to melt it and in order to do that they must get the temperature up to 1010 degrees Celsius. The second part is binding the gold where they mix a special flux to make it more fluid and bind the impurities together. When the gold is poured into a mold, the impurities (slag) rise to the top. Lastly, the gold is cooled and the impurities rise to the top where it can be separated from the gold. This process is repeated multiple times for greater purity. It is the same with us, when you feel the heat, our impurities rise and become separated IF we allow God to work within us. We don't get to choose whether or not to go into the furnace but we do get to choose how we come out, we can either become burned (bitter/angry) or purified (better/stronger faith). I spent some time being bitter and angry and it took me awhile to realize that was not how I wanted to live the rest of my life. I made the choice to trust that there would be some "gold" in my cancer trial and I'm starting to see some glimpses of it. By God's grace I'm not the same person post-treatment, I AM being purified. Lets just be clear, I would NEVER choose to have cancer and I wish I could have biological children, BUT I accept my circumstances and I'm actually at peace with the way things have turned out. I'm finally at a point where I can say that my life is better after cancer and believe me, I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. I have been at the edge of the cliff and totally leaned on God with all of my weight, and I can say that He is faithful, He is good, and He does provide all that you need when life is falling apart at the seems. Part of my "gold" post-cancer is that my marriage is better, my faith is stronger, and I have a much stronger and healthier relationship with the Lord. I still have a lot of impurities that require refining but my attitude towards refinement is less hostile because I truly understand there is purpose to my pain. What a merciful God to allow me to catch glimpses of the "gold" that has come from my cancer journey. I wish things unfolded differently BUT if I had a choice to go back to life pre-cancer or post-cancer, I would choose post-cancer any day of the week!

Traveling

We have been trying to get to Ohio for years but something always seemed to get in the way. When I found out that I would be in treatment for at least six months, I made some personal promises to myself. I remember the realization that I had let my priorities get out of whack, I had been letting life dictate some of my decisions. It was a disappointing moment but it also spurred me on to be different post-treatment. This year we were determined to make that trip to Ohio and thankfully we finally did it! It was a wonderful time spent with family! I can not express how blessed I am to be a part of Mark's family. So many people talk about their in-laws in negative terms, so I definitely realize how blessed I am because I don't feel that way at all. I have gained a second family that I instantly fell in love with, they are wonderful.
The mid west is not how I envisioned it at all, it is far more beautiful and vibrant that I had imagined. I could totally see myself living in the mid west if that is where God calls us to be. :) I'm constantly amazed by God's creation, He makes so many beautiful things.
When Mark and I were dating, we talked a lot about how much we both loved traveling and we compared some of our similar journeys. I have to say that over the years, I had become less spontaneous and a bit more rigid. I like routine there's no doubt about it but I had gotten to the point where I wasn't thrilled to disrupt my routine. In treatment, I promised myself to get back into traveling and to be more spontaneous again. I had missed out on so many opportunities simply because I didn't want to be stretched outside of my comfort zone. Post-treatment I find myself wanting to be stretched and willing to take more risks. I don't ever want to sit in a hospital again thinking about all the things I wished I had done or tallying up all the regrets. I want to live my life to the fullest as God has given me another chance and I don't want to waste this chance! I've been bitten by the traveling bug again and I can't wait to see where that takes Mark and I next!

Personal challenge

I had a LOT of couch time last year which meant a lot of tv time. I was talking with a young lady awhile back about my cancer ordeal and she asked me if I had been watching a variety of the reality shows on tv. I have always liked reality shows I guess because it is a way to escape my reality for a short period of time. After I was diagnosed, I definitely started watching some of the new reality shows for that exact reason, I wanted to escape all that I was facing. I admit this isn't a healthy way of dealing with things, but I was so angry with God that turning to Him at times was something I choose not to do. So I turned to tv and hate to admit it but have become "hooked" on some of these reality shows. I've been feeling convicted for some time now that it is time to stop watching some of this mindless tv and put my time to better use. I don't need to escape my reality anymore. So it has become my personal challenge to stop watching some of the mindless crap on tv. Feel free to ask me how I'm doing on this goal as accountability is essential when making changes.

Hair troubles

Let me just say that I'm VERY thankful to have my own hair, it's a blessing. I think I've wet my hair down about four times this morning trying to find a style that I like and I'm giving up for today. I have a wicked calick (?sp) that I've always had (chemo doesn't get rid of some things) and I'm starting to learn that mousse and curly hair do not mix! It's a bit humbling to learn what hair products work and what doesn't at my age but I'm truly starting over hair-wise. I've always envied my friends with naturally curly hair as I grew up with the straightest of hair, however, I'm starting to learn that phrase "be careful what you wish for." Curly hair isn't exactly the easiest hair to work with either, it kind of has a mind of its own. God is even using my new hair to teach me some things about myself, in particular, how difficult it is to work with stubbornness. I'm about as stubborn as they come and I'm really beginning to appreciate God's patience and grace with me. I don't blame Him one bit for allowing me to have my way sometimes and letting me fail miserably. God really is a gentleman, He's not going to force me to follow Him or force me to do things His way which are always best. So each day that I look in the mirror and see my stubborn, curly hair, I'm being reminded to let go and let God.
Today my hair wins, I just don't have the patience to deal with it. Too bad the mullet or Carol Brady look isn't in style these days, that's pretty much the look I'm getting for now. I know I should take pictures to document this period in life....it's definitely humbling. One of these days I'll work up the courage to do it and post a pic. :)

Results are in

Thank God I don't have an infected port as that would have been a HUGE hassle!! It seems I'm battling a bad virus and quite frankly, having a hard time getting over this bug. I did find out that my white count was a bit on the low side so that explains some of it. I've moved away from the fevers and am now battling a regular old cold. I haven't spent this much time on the couch since treatment and it's driving me a bit nutty. Again, I've been reminded of how much I value good health! Back to the couch for me.

Waiting game

Saw my Dr yesterday late afternoon and she was quite upset that Dr P's office has not been taking my high fevers seriously. She too is afraid that maybe my port is infected and we talked about endocarditis (infection of the heart) as well. It's disturbing to think about all this stuff to be honest! I came home and told Mark that I do NOT want to be admitted, no matter what happens, it better be on a outpatient basis!
I woke up this morning to my Dr calling me to see if I had gotten all my tests that she had ordered done. She was not too happy to hear that I hadn't done anything but seriously, it was only 9am. When I called Dr P's office to find out if they could take cultures from my port, I found out that my Dr had already called them and wanted to speak with Dr P directly. I admit that Dr P's RN has dropped the ball in my case because they are the ones managing my port. High fevers and a central line just aren't a good mix! However, I don't want to make a big fuss over everything as believe it or not, I feel much better today. I really don't understand how I could feel this good if I truly have an infection in my bloodstream, it doesn't make sense to me. It takes several days to get blood culture results back, but since I had my port flushed today, if I start having fevers/body pain tomorrow then I will know there is an infection going on. So this waiting game starts and I'm trying to keep a lid on all the "what ifs" going on in my head. Control freaks like me are not good at waiting without our minds going a hundred miles a minute. Did I mention this year that I'm working on fear in general, not letting it dictate my decisions? I'm gonna choose to trust God in this matter because quite frankly there is nothing more I can do anyway. Worrying isn't going to bring my test results back any faster and it isn't going to change the outcome of the situation. I'm going to wait and trust that God holds this whole mess in His hands and He knows what is best for me. Meanwhile, I'll continue to pray that I DON'T have an infection and that our summer traveling plans don't have to change. Never a dull moment around here....and I've come to love dull!