Date Days

Mark and I have been finally crossing off our "fun-to-do" list and really enjoying the summer. It will be kind of sad to see him go back to school as I enjoy being able to go places during the week to simply get away and have fun. I think we both are cherishing this together time a bit more lately as we know that our family of us and the dogs could change quite drastically in a years time. We don't know what God has in store for us which can be a bit unsettling at times but for the most part, we try to be content and live in the moment. I just love Colorado and all its beauty at our doorstep. I'll have to post a picture of Pikes Peak as we drove up to the summit, it was beautiful and simply a fun day of being together!

Three month check up

Every three months for the next two years I will see my oncologist for tests. Had my three month check up with Dr P yesterday and for the most part, I don't let these appointments consume my thoughts. In fact, I hardly pray anymore about remaining cancer free because I trust God's plans...for the most part. :) I noticed the night before my appointment I started to think about it all and let a few "what ifs" enter my thoughts. I didn't get nervous until I sat down in the office waiting to be called back, then some of my old thought habits returned a bit. I started thinking that if I was told the cancer had returned, maybe if I had spent more time praying about it all, I would remain cancer free. Then I realized how screwed up that sort of thinking is and that it is simply a lie. I can pray twenty-four hours a day that I remain cancer free but if that isn't God's will, it won't happen. It's actually a relief sometimes to realize I control so little, because then I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders...if I choose not to that is. On some level I definitely worry about it coming back because when I asked Dr P about my chances of occurrence, his response surprised me and left me a bit unsettled. I've heard so much about getting to the two year mark, it seems that if I could achieve that then my chances of occurrence dramatically decrease. I've been so focused on getting to the two year mark that I haven't worried all that much about getting to the year mark, when in reality each year counts and it will always be an unknown thing. This is where being a nurse and being a patient sometimes becomes a conflict. As a nurse, I like to know the statistics and science behind it all and yet as a patient, I know that I'm not a statistic, I really don't fit in any category for my type of cancer, and that it's all up to God anyway. Dr P's advise: take each day as it comes, live it to the fullest because there are no guarantees. Getting to the two and then five year mark does help my chances of remaining cancer free, but if we looked at all the odds behind my cancer and my health history, I shouldn't have this type of cancer in the first place. I have the type of cancer that doesn't even follow cancer rules! That type of knowledge can be so discouraging or fear-based if I don't keep the truth in front of me. The truth is God doesn't allow anything to happen to me that is outside of His will. I may not like the path He takes me on sometimes but I trust that it is ALL for my good and His glory. God-willing, I still want to make it to that two and then five year mark! Anyway, I'm proud of myself for catching some of the crazy thoughts before they spun into an all out panic. Never waste a good panic as my cancer support group says!

Foster care front

Mark and I have met with a couple of foster care agencies and I think we found an agency we want to work with. They seem to have a wonderful program for everyone involved and they really think about foster parents needs. We decided to go with a Christian agency because we want someone who will support our values and principles when raising kids, it is such a vital foundation. Anyway, we will be starting the paperwork process and continue to pray about this as becoming our new ministry. I never would have considered becoming a foster parent before cancer, I simply wasn't interested. God's plans certainly are different from our own plans! I'm not 100% sure this is something we will ultimately do but we still have time to work all that out. We must make a decision one way or another by the time we reach the point of going through with a home study, thankfully, that's down the road just a bit yet. Some days it is fun to think about and other days it's terrifying. Again, I'm being reminded to live in the present, the future doesn't belong to me anyway so why worry about something I can't control?

A little low on compassion

I have been working quite a bit in ICU lately which is a good thing; however, they have been VERY short on nurses lately and that has become taxing. Part of my growing frustration is that I'm not the same kind of nurse I used to be, I'm not sure if this is due to menopause or chemo brain. In emergencies, I used to be pretty good at multi-tasking and I could store labs/drug amounts/orders in my head until I had a chance to write them all down. Now...not so much and it is really shaking my confidence! Sometimes I really wonder if I belong in ICU anymore. I suppose it will be an adjustment process before I find a system that works well. It is definitely humbling!
There is a dark side to nursing that we (nurses) often talk about amongst ourselves and I'm a bit conflicted about sharing it to others, but the truth is I need prayer. It's no surprise that as the world continues to push God out there is an increase in self destruction. I'm seeing a disturbing trend in the patient population of ICU, they are young individuals whose destructive coping skills are literally killing them. For the most part, I take care of two patients at a time and I can honestly say that at least one of my patients is in the ICU from drugs, alcohol, or both. I'm rapidly growing tired of trying to save someone who is determined to kill themselves. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time and efforts, we patch up these young people only to have them come back in a worse condition. I'm tired of watching our tax dollars go towards alcoholics and drug addicts who have no intention of trying to become sober. Life is truly a gift and I'm tired of watching so many throw theirs away while others are desperately trying to fight. I'm running dangerously low on compassion for these people and I know that is the wrong attitude. God loves these individuals and they deserve a compassionate nurse, not a hardened, sarcastic nurse. I need prayer for compassion, that's the simple truth.

Foster Parents

Please join us in prayer about becoming foster parents. This is something I had considered from time to time but never said a word to Mark about it because I was simply toying with the idea. However, out of the blue, recently Mark said to me that maybe we should consider being foster parents. I'm starting to wonder if God is leading us down this path and so we are in the beginning phases of making phone calls and asking lots of questions. There are lots of fears/concerns but I know that if this is what we should be doing, everything will fall into place. I'm actually content in not having kids so the idea of turning our entire world upside down is a bit unnerving, and yet how could we not help troubled families simply because our life as a couple is comfortable. I'm very passionate about animals and kids, there is something about standing up for those who can't stand up for themselves that really appeals to me. It sort of feels crazy to be looking into this when I'm not even a year out from treatment but then again, some of the things I felt were crazy timing-wise, turned out to be perfect timing in hindsight. Anyway, I would appreciate all the prayer we can get as this is a big, scary, exciting step into the unknown. I don't know what our future holds and that's okay because I know who holds my future!

Glimpses of the other side

I'm in a season of gratefulness as it is not lost on me the difference a year makes. Last year around this time I was in the middle of radiation and chemo. Yesterday Mark and I were out playing tennis together, it is something we always said we would start doing but we allowed life to get in the way. God is SO good! Yesterday while talking with my sister-in-law, God reminded me of some of the lessons I have been learning. While most of us dislike trials, I have been clinging to the promise that there is purpose to our pain. I cried out to God so many times in the last couple of years as I needed to know there was a purpose to my pain. There are many verses from the bible that I hung onto but I kept coming back to one in particular. Job 23:10 "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold." When I finally accepted that fact that God was allowing me to go through a trial, I made the choice to wait for the "coming out as gold" part. The Greek word trial means to prove by testing; James MacDonald talks about the definition of a trial being "a painful circumstance allowed by God to change my conduct and my character." It is important to understand how gold is refined because it really is a perfect picture of Gods methods with us. When gold comes out of the ground it is mixed with other metals and impurities, the first part is to melt it and in order to do that they must get the temperature up to 1010 degrees Celsius. The second part is binding the gold where they mix a special flux to make it more fluid and bind the impurities together. When the gold is poured into a mold, the impurities (slag) rise to the top. Lastly, the gold is cooled and the impurities rise to the top where it can be separated from the gold. This process is repeated multiple times for greater purity. It is the same with us, when you feel the heat, our impurities rise and become separated IF we allow God to work within us. We don't get to choose whether or not to go into the furnace but we do get to choose how we come out, we can either become burned (bitter/angry) or purified (better/stronger faith). I spent some time being bitter and angry and it took me awhile to realize that was not how I wanted to live the rest of my life. I made the choice to trust that there would be some "gold" in my cancer trial and I'm starting to see some glimpses of it. By God's grace I'm not the same person post-treatment, I AM being purified. Lets just be clear, I would NEVER choose to have cancer and I wish I could have biological children, BUT I accept my circumstances and I'm actually at peace with the way things have turned out. I'm finally at a point where I can say that my life is better after cancer and believe me, I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. I have been at the edge of the cliff and totally leaned on God with all of my weight, and I can say that He is faithful, He is good, and He does provide all that you need when life is falling apart at the seems. Part of my "gold" post-cancer is that my marriage is better, my faith is stronger, and I have a much stronger and healthier relationship with the Lord. I still have a lot of impurities that require refining but my attitude towards refinement is less hostile because I truly understand there is purpose to my pain. What a merciful God to allow me to catch glimpses of the "gold" that has come from my cancer journey. I wish things unfolded differently BUT if I had a choice to go back to life pre-cancer or post-cancer, I would choose post-cancer any day of the week!

Traveling

We have been trying to get to Ohio for years but something always seemed to get in the way. When I found out that I would be in treatment for at least six months, I made some personal promises to myself. I remember the realization that I had let my priorities get out of whack, I had been letting life dictate some of my decisions. It was a disappointing moment but it also spurred me on to be different post-treatment. This year we were determined to make that trip to Ohio and thankfully we finally did it! It was a wonderful time spent with family! I can not express how blessed I am to be a part of Mark's family. So many people talk about their in-laws in negative terms, so I definitely realize how blessed I am because I don't feel that way at all. I have gained a second family that I instantly fell in love with, they are wonderful.
The mid west is not how I envisioned it at all, it is far more beautiful and vibrant that I had imagined. I could totally see myself living in the mid west if that is where God calls us to be. :) I'm constantly amazed by God's creation, He makes so many beautiful things.
When Mark and I were dating, we talked a lot about how much we both loved traveling and we compared some of our similar journeys. I have to say that over the years, I had become less spontaneous and a bit more rigid. I like routine there's no doubt about it but I had gotten to the point where I wasn't thrilled to disrupt my routine. In treatment, I promised myself to get back into traveling and to be more spontaneous again. I had missed out on so many opportunities simply because I didn't want to be stretched outside of my comfort zone. Post-treatment I find myself wanting to be stretched and willing to take more risks. I don't ever want to sit in a hospital again thinking about all the things I wished I had done or tallying up all the regrets. I want to live my life to the fullest as God has given me another chance and I don't want to waste this chance! I've been bitten by the traveling bug again and I can't wait to see where that takes Mark and I next!