One year anniversary

At the end of this month, it will be my one year cancer-free anniversary and I'm excited about it! We had one of Mark's former co-workers over for dinner, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer early this year and told that she would be dead by August. Well, this month she was told she was in remission! Anyway, she has decided to have an "I'm not dead yet" party. That got me thinking and I think Mark and I will have to do something fun to celebrate this mile marker. At times it's really hard to believe I was even sick, I feel SO much better these days! It has been quite a journey and I'm thankful for all of it. You can't really appreciate the good days until you have experienced some bad ones.

On the hair front, I'm sad to report that I'm losing my chemo curl. Back to having stick straight hair again, oh well, it was fun while it lasted. I'm finally at the process of figuring out what kind of style I want and I think I'm gonna stick with the Meg Ryan wig style. :) What I have learned from this whole experience is that in the past I spent WAY too much time on my hair and life is too short for that. I want something quick and simple! I unpacked my hot rollers and hair accessories today and it brought back a variety of emotions from the day I packed them up. I've learned that while wigs can be a lot of fun and provide a lot of variety, nothing quite compares to having my own hair.

Who do you Stand for?

The news has really become something most of us don't like to watch these days, scary things are happening in the world. However, for Christians this I believe is our moment to shine because we know who is on our side. Yes, the world is becoming darker and God is being forced out of American society like never before, but is this really a surprise? God in His graciousness told us these things would occur, that the path to Him is narrow and not many take it, that the world would become darker before He makes it better. That's why I believe as Christians it is our duty to be aware of what is going on around us, to truly KNOW what the bible states, so that we can be the light that shines in the darkness around us. I believe Christians can no longer be apathetic, you must choose who you stand for and then dig in and stand! I love the bumper stickers NOTW (not of this world), it brings me the greatest peace in the chaos of this world.


I highly recommend this documentary based solely on facts and the bible, it is fascinating! I don't often recommend these types of things but I feel strongly about this one. Watch it, pray, and continue to be informed. Click on the sight below and watch the video, you won't regret it.

http://www.glennbeck.com/content/blog/glenn/rumorsofwar/

Encouraged

I recently got back from a trip to northern Idaho to see my parents and their new farm adventure, but mostly to speak the truth in a loving way. It was a good trip and I have a better understanding of their needs and what to pray for. After coming home, I also saw that someone I care for and have placed time, counsel, and countless amounts of pray for continue to make poor choices and shut God out. I came home feeling a bit deflated as I desperately want God to move in a variety of people's lives who I care so much for. I started to feel like it really doesn't matter what I say or do, I'm not making much difference in these individuals lives, and that lie started to make me feel somewhat depressed. Do you ever have those days where you feel like why bother? Why try to help those who clearly need it but aren't exactly willing to accept the help you give? All I can say is thank God for the truth of His word, it always comes to me at the exact moment I need it! The verse that jump started me out of the pit I was heading towards was Isaiah 55:10-11, " As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." What a perfect reminder that first of all, it is not up to me to change people or fix their circumstances it is up to God. Second of all, God's word never goes out wasted, so while I may not see the results I'm hoping right away, God can still use His words to work through someones life at the exact right moment for them down the road. Isn't it just like satan to get us to believe that we are ineffective or that God's word isn't enough to fix the hurts in our lives and those around us. There are several people I wish God would simply take away their hurts and magically fix all their problems but then again, He rarely works that way. I think God is far more interested in our hearts and fixing us from the inside out, so the trials and circumstances of life are used for a good purpose. If God solved all of our troubles right away, what would be the incentive to change? I'll continue to pray for those I'm worried about and leave them at the Lord's feet, He is the only one I know truly capable of healing, fixing, and making whole. And I'm no longer deflated because I know that the things I've said or the time I've spent wasn't wasted, God will use it even if I never see how He worked it all out.

Date Days

Mark and I have been finally crossing off our "fun-to-do" list and really enjoying the summer. It will be kind of sad to see him go back to school as I enjoy being able to go places during the week to simply get away and have fun. I think we both are cherishing this together time a bit more lately as we know that our family of us and the dogs could change quite drastically in a years time. We don't know what God has in store for us which can be a bit unsettling at times but for the most part, we try to be content and live in the moment. I just love Colorado and all its beauty at our doorstep. I'll have to post a picture of Pikes Peak as we drove up to the summit, it was beautiful and simply a fun day of being together!

Three month check up

Every three months for the next two years I will see my oncologist for tests. Had my three month check up with Dr P yesterday and for the most part, I don't let these appointments consume my thoughts. In fact, I hardly pray anymore about remaining cancer free because I trust God's plans...for the most part. :) I noticed the night before my appointment I started to think about it all and let a few "what ifs" enter my thoughts. I didn't get nervous until I sat down in the office waiting to be called back, then some of my old thought habits returned a bit. I started thinking that if I was told the cancer had returned, maybe if I had spent more time praying about it all, I would remain cancer free. Then I realized how screwed up that sort of thinking is and that it is simply a lie. I can pray twenty-four hours a day that I remain cancer free but if that isn't God's will, it won't happen. It's actually a relief sometimes to realize I control so little, because then I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders...if I choose not to that is. On some level I definitely worry about it coming back because when I asked Dr P about my chances of occurrence, his response surprised me and left me a bit unsettled. I've heard so much about getting to the two year mark, it seems that if I could achieve that then my chances of occurrence dramatically decrease. I've been so focused on getting to the two year mark that I haven't worried all that much about getting to the year mark, when in reality each year counts and it will always be an unknown thing. This is where being a nurse and being a patient sometimes becomes a conflict. As a nurse, I like to know the statistics and science behind it all and yet as a patient, I know that I'm not a statistic, I really don't fit in any category for my type of cancer, and that it's all up to God anyway. Dr P's advise: take each day as it comes, live it to the fullest because there are no guarantees. Getting to the two and then five year mark does help my chances of remaining cancer free, but if we looked at all the odds behind my cancer and my health history, I shouldn't have this type of cancer in the first place. I have the type of cancer that doesn't even follow cancer rules! That type of knowledge can be so discouraging or fear-based if I don't keep the truth in front of me. The truth is God doesn't allow anything to happen to me that is outside of His will. I may not like the path He takes me on sometimes but I trust that it is ALL for my good and His glory. God-willing, I still want to make it to that two and then five year mark! Anyway, I'm proud of myself for catching some of the crazy thoughts before they spun into an all out panic. Never waste a good panic as my cancer support group says!

Foster care front

Mark and I have met with a couple of foster care agencies and I think we found an agency we want to work with. They seem to have a wonderful program for everyone involved and they really think about foster parents needs. We decided to go with a Christian agency because we want someone who will support our values and principles when raising kids, it is such a vital foundation. Anyway, we will be starting the paperwork process and continue to pray about this as becoming our new ministry. I never would have considered becoming a foster parent before cancer, I simply wasn't interested. God's plans certainly are different from our own plans! I'm not 100% sure this is something we will ultimately do but we still have time to work all that out. We must make a decision one way or another by the time we reach the point of going through with a home study, thankfully, that's down the road just a bit yet. Some days it is fun to think about and other days it's terrifying. Again, I'm being reminded to live in the present, the future doesn't belong to me anyway so why worry about something I can't control?

A little low on compassion

I have been working quite a bit in ICU lately which is a good thing; however, they have been VERY short on nurses lately and that has become taxing. Part of my growing frustration is that I'm not the same kind of nurse I used to be, I'm not sure if this is due to menopause or chemo brain. In emergencies, I used to be pretty good at multi-tasking and I could store labs/drug amounts/orders in my head until I had a chance to write them all down. Now...not so much and it is really shaking my confidence! Sometimes I really wonder if I belong in ICU anymore. I suppose it will be an adjustment process before I find a system that works well. It is definitely humbling!
There is a dark side to nursing that we (nurses) often talk about amongst ourselves and I'm a bit conflicted about sharing it to others, but the truth is I need prayer. It's no surprise that as the world continues to push God out there is an increase in self destruction. I'm seeing a disturbing trend in the patient population of ICU, they are young individuals whose destructive coping skills are literally killing them. For the most part, I take care of two patients at a time and I can honestly say that at least one of my patients is in the ICU from drugs, alcohol, or both. I'm rapidly growing tired of trying to save someone who is determined to kill themselves. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time and efforts, we patch up these young people only to have them come back in a worse condition. I'm tired of watching our tax dollars go towards alcoholics and drug addicts who have no intention of trying to become sober. Life is truly a gift and I'm tired of watching so many throw theirs away while others are desperately trying to fight. I'm running dangerously low on compassion for these people and I know that is the wrong attitude. God loves these individuals and they deserve a compassionate nurse, not a hardened, sarcastic nurse. I need prayer for compassion, that's the simple truth.