Foster parent update

We had our foster launch this weekend where we met the other couples starting this same journey, talked with a foster family, and started classes. It was an intense weekend as I worked Friday and Sunday and the launch was Friday night and all day Saturday. Mark had to go to the start of the launch by himself as I was working, he was absolutely exhausted and I felt bad for him. He has had such a busy, tiring schedule lately that I wondered how in the world he would have the energy to do all of this. However, to hear him talk Friday night was so encouraging! This whole event while tiring is also exciting because we both know for certainty that this is where God is calling us and that this is the exact right agency for us. There is nothing better than knowing you are where God wants you to be, there is such a peace in that knowledge. I can't say enough good things about Hope & Home, the agency that we are working with, they treat this more as a ministry and everyone there is family. I was thinking that we would probably start getting kids sometime in the new year so it was something in the distance. In all reality, there is a high likelihood that we could have kids as early as December!!! It's a bit overwhelming but I'm not going to focus on all the "what ifs" and simply let God do his thing. Please join us in prayer for the kids that will be coming into our home. We have no idea how many or the ages that we will get, it's exciting but it's scary all at the same time. I can't believe we are actually going to take on parenthood after all. I started out this year being totally content with just Mark and the dogs and I will finish out this year with the possibility of having kids in our home. It's totally a God thing as I NEVER wanted to be a foster parent and now I know that's exactly what I'm supposed to be....a foster mom. :)

Difficult realizations.....

I watched a documentary on the holocaust this morning and it really got me thinking, would I do the right thing no matter the cost? I hope I would but you never know until the moment arrives. In a world with declining morality, it's easy to become desensitized to the hurting and the helpless. We are all so busy these days, it's so easy to be focused on our growing "to do" lists that we completely bypass someone in need, and not because our heart is hardened, simply because we are distracted. It's a sad reality really. This started to hit home for me several days ago while I was working in ICU, my patient had end-stage liver disease from years of being an alcoholic, he was on a vent and in all likelihood, would never live off of a vent. It took us several days to even find family, but we finally contacted his daughter who flew in and made the decision to do a terminal wean (take him off the vent), but after she had flown back home. I have no idea the relationship between her and her father but she treated him lovingly while at his bedside. It honestly never occurred to me that this man would be dying alone until one of our hospital chaplains talked with me and was appropriately horrified by that fact. She wanted me to let her know when the time came to disconnect him from the vent so that SHE could be at his bedside so he wouldn't die alone. That conversation really bothered me the rest of the shift (and continues to bother me) because had she not said anything, I would have gone about my day taking care of all the "tasks" that needed to be done. I'm ashamed to say that I would have let him die alone! Would it have occurred to me if this man was dying from something not self-inflicted.....probably, and that's the sad part. I've seen so many people die this year alone from self-inflicted behaviors that at times it really makes me angry. I think God has been convicting me in this area because in that moment, I realized that no matter the cause of someone dying, they are still human and they still deserve compassion. No one should die alone, ever!

We have a McDonald near our home and there is a couple who frequently stand outside of it with a "need help" type of sign. To be honest, I don't even know what the sign says because I've never stopped to read it. There's a part of me that becomes angry to see someone young, standing for hours to receive handouts, they could be using that time and energy in better ways. I've been feeling convicted about this couple, how many times have I driven past them, made a judgement about them and yet I know absolutely nothing about their situation. They are human too, they have a need, I should investigate at least a little bit. I've decided that the next time I see this couple, rather than drive past, I'm going to stop and talk with them, see how they got to this point and what is their need. I'm going to give them one of our church fliers and let them know our church can most likely help meet some of their needs in ways that I myself can not. I'm going to go outside of my comfort zone because they are people just like me and I would hope someone would notice if I had a need. It's too easy to not notice these types of situations around us, the opportunity to do what is right is always there. I'm really trying this year to push beyond my comfort zones, it's not always good to be comfortable. Growth doesn't happen when I'm comfortable and if God is going to allow me more time here, I want my life to have meaning. I really want to live for an audience of one! We are living in some dark times, I don't want to be a spectator anymore, it's time to dig in and get dirty!
A couple weekends ago, I found a mama lab and her puppy wandering our neighborhood. I dropped everything, canceled all my plans for that day, and found the puppy a new home. I'm learnintg that I need to have the same attitude that I have for animals and spend that on people.

Unknowns

I like good surprises, those can be fun and energizing, however, I'm still not thrilled about the unknowns in life. I'm definitely getting better about trusting God, but I'm still a control freak at heart and so there is an internal conflict many times. Last week I was simply having one of those weeks, you know how it goes, your focus shifts to the circumstances of life and so stress and anxiety build. Mark and I are turning in our foster care application and starting our two nights a week classes for the next month. This is really going to happen and while we are confident that this is where we are being called, it's not stress free. I honestly don't know how this will all work out financially, we took a big hit from all my medical expenses and now that things are becoming a bit more comfortable, we are looking at adding to our family. It's overwhelming to think about making our house kid-friendly and to be honest, we have no idea how many kids we will be taking in at a time. I'm not sure how we will make this work time-wise and energy-wise, lets face it, we aren't in our twenties anymore. Kids require a LOT of time and effort and I really like my sleep and down time. I really KNOW God, I know His characteristics and that He has all these details under control. I guess I wish He would give me the game plan ahead of time and yet I know He rarely works that way. If I knew all the details ahead of time, I probably wouldn't rely on Him so much and I would take control of the situation. So I spent last week stressing, wondering, worrying about so many unknown factors until I started to not feel well. That only sparked more worry and anxiety that maybe my health isn't doing so good. This worry path can be such a vicious cycle! Thankfully, I'm in a better mind set this week. My unknowns haven't changed much but my focus has, I've put it back where it should have been in the first place, on God. I don't know how this whole foster parenting thing will work out but I know that God has called us to do this and so HE will work it all out, at the exact right time. I'm thankful that when I'm stressing Mark isn't and vice versa, that's part of how we balance each other out I suppose. :) So, off to my first foster class tonight. We are jumping off the cliff into the unknown and trusting in God's promises to take care of everything else. It's an uncomfortable place to be but at the same time, it's the perfect place to be too.

Gonna take my thougths captive today

I feel a little silly writing this post, but I want to be honest in my faith journey and sometimes doubts creep in more than I care to admit. Yesterday was just an average day, I worked in radiation oncology and had a young 21 year old patient who was recently diagnosed with cancer. I'm not sure if her case influenced some of my fears or if they would have been there regardless. In any case, I started to have some cramps similar to the way I used to feel prior to my diagnosis and I just couldn't keep up with all the fears flooding my thoughts. I started to feel pretty foolish talking about my one year cancer-free anniversary before it had arrived. What if I don't make it to that anniversary? I was once again reminded that I shouldn't make long-term plans...at least not concrete long-term plans. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. As I continued to not feel the greatest some of my old habits kicked in, I went to the worst case scenario. What if my cancer is back? What if I have a bowel obstruction due to radiation? What if....? I hate going down that road and yet I'm such an expert at it, it comes so naturally. I decided not to talk to anyone about this because why drag them along in my fears, it may be for nothing. I feel MUCH better today, I'm just exhausted and I'm struggling with doubts. Should we even turn in our foster parenting application? My future is a bit unknown and I would hate to start something I couldn't finish. So, I'm struggling just a bit today BUT, I'm determined to take my thoughts captive and turn them over to the Lord. He is the only one who knows my future anyway. To be honest, I don't feel like trusting God today but I'm going to choose to trust Him. Thankfully, faith isn't a feeling, it's a choice....and more often than not, if I do what I know I should, the feelings will follow. I'm so glad the Lord is patient with me! I may stumble from time to time and fall, but I won't stay down as long as I used to. I guess that is progress after all.

One year anniversary

At the end of this month, it will be my one year cancer-free anniversary and I'm excited about it! We had one of Mark's former co-workers over for dinner, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer early this year and told that she would be dead by August. Well, this month she was told she was in remission! Anyway, she has decided to have an "I'm not dead yet" party. That got me thinking and I think Mark and I will have to do something fun to celebrate this mile marker. At times it's really hard to believe I was even sick, I feel SO much better these days! It has been quite a journey and I'm thankful for all of it. You can't really appreciate the good days until you have experienced some bad ones.

On the hair front, I'm sad to report that I'm losing my chemo curl. Back to having stick straight hair again, oh well, it was fun while it lasted. I'm finally at the process of figuring out what kind of style I want and I think I'm gonna stick with the Meg Ryan wig style. :) What I have learned from this whole experience is that in the past I spent WAY too much time on my hair and life is too short for that. I want something quick and simple! I unpacked my hot rollers and hair accessories today and it brought back a variety of emotions from the day I packed them up. I've learned that while wigs can be a lot of fun and provide a lot of variety, nothing quite compares to having my own hair.

Who do you Stand for?

The news has really become something most of us don't like to watch these days, scary things are happening in the world. However, for Christians this I believe is our moment to shine because we know who is on our side. Yes, the world is becoming darker and God is being forced out of American society like never before, but is this really a surprise? God in His graciousness told us these things would occur, that the path to Him is narrow and not many take it, that the world would become darker before He makes it better. That's why I believe as Christians it is our duty to be aware of what is going on around us, to truly KNOW what the bible states, so that we can be the light that shines in the darkness around us. I believe Christians can no longer be apathetic, you must choose who you stand for and then dig in and stand! I love the bumper stickers NOTW (not of this world), it brings me the greatest peace in the chaos of this world.


I highly recommend this documentary based solely on facts and the bible, it is fascinating! I don't often recommend these types of things but I feel strongly about this one. Watch it, pray, and continue to be informed. Click on the sight below and watch the video, you won't regret it.

http://www.glennbeck.com/content/blog/glenn/rumorsofwar/

Encouraged

I recently got back from a trip to northern Idaho to see my parents and their new farm adventure, but mostly to speak the truth in a loving way. It was a good trip and I have a better understanding of their needs and what to pray for. After coming home, I also saw that someone I care for and have placed time, counsel, and countless amounts of pray for continue to make poor choices and shut God out. I came home feeling a bit deflated as I desperately want God to move in a variety of people's lives who I care so much for. I started to feel like it really doesn't matter what I say or do, I'm not making much difference in these individuals lives, and that lie started to make me feel somewhat depressed. Do you ever have those days where you feel like why bother? Why try to help those who clearly need it but aren't exactly willing to accept the help you give? All I can say is thank God for the truth of His word, it always comes to me at the exact moment I need it! The verse that jump started me out of the pit I was heading towards was Isaiah 55:10-11, " As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." What a perfect reminder that first of all, it is not up to me to change people or fix their circumstances it is up to God. Second of all, God's word never goes out wasted, so while I may not see the results I'm hoping right away, God can still use His words to work through someones life at the exact right moment for them down the road. Isn't it just like satan to get us to believe that we are ineffective or that God's word isn't enough to fix the hurts in our lives and those around us. There are several people I wish God would simply take away their hurts and magically fix all their problems but then again, He rarely works that way. I think God is far more interested in our hearts and fixing us from the inside out, so the trials and circumstances of life are used for a good purpose. If God solved all of our troubles right away, what would be the incentive to change? I'll continue to pray for those I'm worried about and leave them at the Lord's feet, He is the only one I know truly capable of healing, fixing, and making whole. And I'm no longer deflated because I know that the things I've said or the time I've spent wasn't wasted, God will use it even if I never see how He worked it all out.