Complicated

As people hear the story of how our family continues to grow I hear the same statement time and again, "I could never do that." I completely understand where they are coming from because I too once shared those feelings. Never say never when it comes to God!! I often remember how Dr P would tell me that it won't matter whether my kids are biological or not and I dismissed him thinking he just didn't understand. I have since realized that it was I that didn't understand because it really doesn't matter that these kids aren't biologically mine, they are in my home and they are mine! I am truly like a mama bear....don't mistreat or mess with my kids because you will soon be dealing with one angry mama!
I really appreciate our foster agency as I think they have prepared Mark and I quite well for this......emotionally complicated journey. I really can't describe in words just how complicated my relationship is with Alex's biological mom. We get along beautifully (thank you God) but I have mixed feelings towards her. I don't want Alex to have a hard life and so if she can pull it together and truly change her life, I will totally support her. Part of me wishes there wasn't this unknown hanging over his future and that I knew he would stay with us forever. It's emotionally very complicated and my emotions are all over the place from day to day. I will say that being in this situation means that I don't take a single moment with Alex for granted. It's such a honor and joy to be a part of his story and I hope that some day he will come to understand just how much he was loved and wanted by so many.  He just turned four months a couple days ago and it has been so fun watching him grow and change. It seems like each day he is able to do something new and his personality continues to burst. We are in the beginning of the fun stages and I can't wait to see who this little guy grows into.
While I'm somewhat scared of what the future holds for all of us and the emotions we may be facing, it's completely worth it. Even if we have to give Alex back to his mom some day, it's worth it to me to open my heart up to this little boy and give him a good start. We have been told many times that our heart will be bruised and broken and I trust that God will give us what we need to continue in this journey. Each child that enters our home will always have a special place in my heart and will always be in my prayers. They are mine for however long God chooses to give them to me and I'm really thankful for this journey!

One month anniversary

Monday was our one month anniversary of having Alex in our home! It's hard to believe that at this point, this is the longest period of time that he has stayed in one place. On the one hand I find that sad, on the other I'm thrilled that we are taking part in changing that record. It has been so much fun to see him grow and change--he has become a MUCH happier baby than when we first got him as we work out all the digestive kinks. Every time he smiles and laughs, my heart melts a bit more. Have I mentioned just how much I love this kid???
Mark and I have started to receive calls to take in more children and we have decided to hold off for a bit as we continue to work some things out with Alex. It is VERY hard to say no when my heart wants to say yes and rescue each child. As I hear the stories of abuse behind these kids it is absolutely heart-breaking and today I found myself angry. Most days I can focus on the fact that the parents are broken but today I really don't care about that, I'm angry that this particular girl has endured so much at such a young age. I look at Alex and I can't begin to understand how someone can purposely hurt an innocent child. I know it's not my job to be the judge of these parents, yet my heart wants to see swift justice! Today I feel burdened because I want to save all these kids yet I know that's impossible and that's not what God is calling me to do. I believe prayer is powerful....today however, it doesn't feel very powerful. Another reminder that I can't trust my feelings as I pray for these battered and broken children. I know God is keeping close account of who hurts his own and how and someday he will carry out the justice. I wish we lived in a world where kids were ALWAYS safe, no matter what!

Alexander

I'm way behind in my posts because we were chosen to take in 2 month old Alexander!!!! It has been surreal and an absolute joy having this little guy in our house and lives. I've been struck by the fact that had I remained angry about how my dreams didn't occur like I had hoped, I wouldn't have this little man in my life to love on. I think Mark was a little concerned with how quickly I fell in love with him but the truth is that I loved him before he even entered our house. It's so easy for me to love kids and I feel absolutely at home being a foster mom, like I was meant to do this! Having said all that, I've also found this to be more difficult and complicated than I anticipated. I didn't know about his colic and I've never taken care of a child going through the withdrawl process from drugs outside of the hospital...and it's VERY different outside of the hospital. However, through all the sleepless nights and bouts of crying....my heart goes out to this little boy and I fall in love with him a little bit more each day we have him. The weight of responsibility of having this little man in our house was a little overwhelming at first, but I imagine that is normal for any parent. I have so many hopes and dreams for Alex even though he isn't mine and I REALLY want this little guy to grow up to be a Godly man more than anything else. We had been warned that one of the hardest parts to foster care is all the unknowns and even with all the warnings, I'm still surprised at how hard it can be at times. We started visits with his biological mom right away and all I can say is that it is a complicated swirl of emotions. Part of me wants his mom to pull her life together and turn things around, however, part of me doesn't even want to think about not having Alex here. As I met his mom and we talked, I was struck by how hard her life has been to this point and I couldn't keep my mind from wondering what kind of life Alex would have with her. I don't want his life to be hard too and it has been difficult thinking about how different his life would be with his mom. It's an odd place to be as this is HER son and yet I know we could provide him an easier life. People have asked if I'm angry with his mom and the truth is that I'm not, I have focused on the fact that she is a broken women and I have no idea what led her to drugs in the first place. I've been praying that God would help me love his mom like he does and for an opportunity to witness to her as well. Mark and I have always said that part of our ministry is loving on the parents and it's time to put that in action. I don't know what the future holds for Alex, but I know that I would feel TONS better knowing he went back to his mom if she knew Christ as that is the only way to truly change and heal. Please join us in praying for Alex's mom, that we can build a good relationship and for the opportunity to witness. Please pray for us, that we will be okay with whatever outcome occurs and that we can continue to trust in the One that holds it all together. For now, I'm taking it one day at a time and truly enjoying this experience! God is so good!!!

Thank you Jeff

The perfect poem at the perfect time. God is good!

WAIT

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait!"

"Wait?", you say, wait!"  my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"

Is your hand shortened?  Or have you not heard?

By FAITH I have asked, and am claiming your word.

"My future and all to which I can relate

          

  Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?

I’m needing a ‘yes,’ a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

“And Lord, you promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:

I’m weary of asking!  I need a reply!”

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting….for what?”

He seemed then to kneel and his eyes wept with mine.

And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want­­­­----but, you wouldn't know ME.

“You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint’

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;

You’d not know the joy of resting in me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

“You’d never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove;

You’d know what I give and I save…(for a start),

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of my heart.

“The glow of my comfort late into the night.

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that ‘My grace is sufficient for thee.’

Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

“So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

THAT THE GREATEST OF GIFTS IS TO GET TO KNOW ME.

And though my answers seem terribly late,

My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT.”

--Author Unknown-

Waiting

I've been doing a lot of waiting so far this year and I've got to admit that I'm not a fan. Today, I am waiting to see if Mark and I are chosen to take care of a two month old boy who has some health issues. I want this boy!! I've wanted each baby that we have been called on and as I waited to hear whether or not we got them, I would go into the kids room and pray. I would call my family and ask them to pray that we get the baby. Sometimes I would sort through all the baby clothes that we had to take stock of what we still needed. Each time we were told that DHS went with another couple from another agency it felt like pieces of my heart were being torn out. I wonder if these kids will ever understand just how much they are wanted and loved in spite of their difficult circumstances. So as I wait to hear the verdict with this little baby, I just can't allow myself to get all excited, to think about the "what ifs" etc, my heart can't go down that same road. While I pray that we get this baby, at the same time I'm praying that I'll be okay if we don't....maybe that is progress and growth?  I KNOW God is fully in control and He has the perfect child/children for us at the perfect time. That knowledge however, doesn't mean that this whole ordeal isn't an emotional messy journey. Because our foster agency was pushing us through the system, I guess I expected this to be easy, that we would get kids right away. It's been difficult to watch those around us get placements while we wait. I'm not blaming our agency in any way as I think they have done a wonderful job in preparing us for this journey. I think my expectations and reality haven't matched and that's been difficult to swallow. I desperately want a baby and I can't explain why this is occurring when just months prior I was completely content with where Mark and I were at in life. Feelings are fickle and can't always be trusted. I'm REALLY trying to be better at this waiting thing, some days I do well and other days I'm an emotional mess. I have no idea what God is doing in all of this but I know He is in the middle of it. It truly is a choice to let go of my disappointments and choose to trust Him. I know that when we get our child/children, this waiting will all be worth it and maybe I'll look back and see God's fingerprints all over the place. For now, I'm in the dark.....you grow in the dark but it sucks to be there!

My toddler self

I absolutely know that we are meant to do foster care! Having said that, I've been surprised at some of the emotional struggles that have surfaced. Prior to entering into foster care, I had worked through the grieving process of not being able to have kids and had accepted the fact that our ministry would be loving other people's kids. I felt completely content with this fact (which is no small miracle) so when feelings of anger surfaced again, it came as a complete surprise to me. It all started as we began to gather baby clothes and furniture, it was surreal for me to be washing baby clothes and purchasing baby furniture. It was an exciting time  because after my hysterectomy, the door was slammed shut to all my baby dreams. It was fun and exciting to put together the crib and changing table, and I loved putting all the baby clothes in the closet as it reminded me of when I was a little girl playing with my dolls preparing for this exact moment. It was exciting rearranging our upstairs bedroom preparing for whatever children God blessed us with. I guess I thought this would be a quick process as our first phone call was for twin baby boys (which we couldn't take because of my work schedule) and our agency was pushing our paperwork through the system with some urgency. We are on-call 24/7 as we wait for a placement so my cell phone is never far from me these days. I have lost count as to how many phone calls we have received asking if we are interested in a placement, sometimes it is several calls in a day. The hardest calls have been for babies still in the hospital as DHS tries to find a foster home to take them home. The way this works is that DHS lets every agency in Colorado Springs know of their need, each agency contacts their perspective foster parents asking if they are interested, they then let DHS know which of their foster parents are interested and DHS makes the final decision as to which foster parent gets the placement. I guess this decision happens fairly quickly but it doesn't feel quick when you are on the wanting end of a placement and wait hours before hearing if you got it or not. Mark and I have said yes multiple times only to find out that DHS has gone with a different couple, it has been heart-breaking at times. It's hard not to take the rejection personal, did they pass on us because of my cancer issue or because of our infertility issue? Is there something wrong with us? I realized I was becoming angry after we were rejected on a newborn girl that I desperately wanted. This placement seemed perfect from my perspective and I just couldn't understand why God didn't allow us to get her. I started to feel like God was teasing us with these babies and that only made me angrier. Of course, I know that is not God's heart, He isn't teasing me but it's amazing how deceptive our feelings can be at times. I've really had to evaluate am I willing to trust in God's plan and timing, that He knows the exact right child for us or am I going to focus on what I want and what I think is best for me? It's a daily battle and choice to not let the toddler inside me throw a tantrum when I don't get my way. I've been faced with this ugly side of myself a lot lately and it's humbling to see just how much I need to grow. It's easy to give God lip service and say that I completely trust what He is doing, it's a lot harder to line up my attitude when I don't get the placement I was hoping for. I REALLY want a baby and my heart aches for a baby, the struggle is submitting my dreams and plans to the Lord. Sometimes I don't mind submitting, other times I hate it. Sometimes I have a death-grip on what I want and it is not pretty when God patiently and lovingly asks me to let go and let Him. I suppose it's a good thing to be aware of my toddler self.....I don't like her much but you can't work on something you aren't aware of right.

A crazy month

As January comes to a close, I'm so thankful to put this month behind me for a variety of reasons. I worked full-time most of  this month and found that while I'm physically able to do it, it leaves me absolutely exhausted. Not something I will choose to do a whole lot in the future.
I saw Dr P this month as I came down with flu-like symptoms yet again and my white blood counts continued to be low. After quite the work-up, we feel this is probably a side effect from chemo, however, if I continue to get sick, I'll probably see a hematologist (blood specialist) to see what they can do to boost my immune system. So for now, I'm doing everything I can to remain healthy and boost my immune system myself. I definitely fatigue easier with the low counts, but I'm learning to do the things most important earlier in the day and not become too frustrated if I can't finish my list. It has been quite the emotional journey wondering if I had a new cancer but through it all, I found that I truly trust whatever God is doing even when it doesn't make sense to me.

On the foster care front, Mark and I got a call at 1:30 AM with our agency asking if we would be willing to take a 3 and 5 year old on an emergency basis. It was a bit jarring to try and think clearly at that time in the morning but we accepted the assignment. Our world radically changed in a heartbeat....and that's an understatement! We had the kids for five days before they were abruptly returned to their mom. It was a wonderful first placement and the kids were wonderful--definitely not the typical situation! It's been bittersweet to have them go as the house seems a bit empty but we are looking forward to another placement. Mark and I find it uncomfortable to be "on-call" as we wait for another placement. We never know when we will get called and so are constantly living with unknowns. It's good for us to live outside our comfort zone....just not comfortable.