Season of thankfulness

Starting in October, I LOVE this season of the year! I'm the person who drives everyone else nuts as Christmas music is on 24/7 as soon as I can get it. I want anything pumpkin, eggnog, and Christmas lights as soon as I can get it. There is a joyfulness about this season of the year that not too much can squelch. So when Mark stumbled across a radio station that was playing Christmas music at the beginning of November, I have been one happy lady! I've had a couple of solicitors call and ask if I really have Christmas music playing in the background already. Yes people, I am a Christmas freak, I fully admit it and I don't care to be anything less! :) I was reflecting the other day about my crazy love of everything Christmas and I didn't always used to be this way. For those that knew me back in high school/college, the holidays were something I dreaded for several reasons. That's a testament to the 180 degree healing God has provided and I'm really thankful for His touch. With Thanksgiving literally around the corner, I've been reflecting on all that God has done for me....especially lately. Of course, family and friends are a given as I'm beyond blessed by the people God has placed in my life. I am SO thankful that I'm not doing chemo or radiation during my favorite season of the year. I'm thankful that God truly protected me during my treatment in ways that I'm continuing to realize. God has been good to me in ways that will probably take years to fully unfold. I'm thankful for my job and ability to work in oncology for however long this season lasts. Sometimes I feel as though I'm getting paid for therapy as I work with others who are in the midst of their treatment, it's a blessing to say the least. I'm thankful for the littlest of things like hair and eyelashes, putting on mascara has a whole new meaning for me. I am incredibly thankful for my new found relationship with Christ. He has been more real to me in this last year than any of the other years combined. I complain about my circumstances a lot (and I'm working on that) but I have a new perspective on God's gift of life to me. I'm in a body that is dealing with the aftermath of treatment BUT I'm still above ground and I'm thankful for that! It's true that health and the breath of life is a gift, not an entitlement. I'm truly blessed beyond measure no matter what my future holds. My prayer lately is that I use my gift wisely, I want God to be proud that He decided to keep me around.
Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm so much like an Israelite

I've been studying Exodus and I find that I can relate to the Israelites. Look at the miraculous things God has done for them and then minutes later see how quickly they take their eyes off of God. They complain and focus on the negatives of their circumstance, fear invades their hearts and minds. You know what else I'm learning, sometimes God leads us into a trial before leading us out of one! I don't like it but it's truth. I think to some God would appear harsh but when you think about God's promise to us to make us more like Him each day, it sort of makes sense to me. God's life on earth was by no means comfortable, why should I expect anything different? If I'm going to be more like Christ, there is a lot of molding, chiseling, and shaping that needs to take place, and the last time I checked, change occurs when I'm uncomfortable. I'm also learning that sometimes our circumstance will become worse before it gets better AND God is still in that circumstance no matter how it feels. It's so easy to say that when bad becomes worse God isn't in those details because why would a loving God allow such a thing. God allows bad to become worse for His greater purpose and to believe anything else will lead to despair. Sometimes I look back at one of my posts and think "I shouldn't have written that" or "that was a moment of weakness I wish I didn't share," but then I'm reminded that I want my blog to be an honest journey. I have days where my faith is strong and I'm just happy to still be alive but I also have days where simply put, I'd rather be in heaven then continue to struggle. These last few days God has been gently reminding me that I need to take my eyes off of my struggles and put them back on Him. He IS in the midst of my circumstances, working behind the scenes and in ways I may never fully understand or see. The hope for me comes from the fact that there is a purpose from my uncomfortabilty. I may never fully see that purpose but just knowing there is one helps me on the really bad days. Life isn't turning out the way I had hoped it would be but life isn't about me and my wishes, it's about what God is doing through me. I hope I learn to resist God less and simply let Him do His thing!
Exodus 14:14
"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace."

Torn

I haven't been able to sleep for the last several days and that's WITH my sleeping pills! I didn't go into work today as I don't feel well. There is a huge part of me that wants to call Dr R and start estrogen no matter the risks. This estrogen topic is a daily battle as I want my estrogen back but I don't ever want to hear that my cancer is back. Honestly, I don't want to do any more treatment and I don't think I would consent to any more at this point. If I wasn't married I would simply take the estrogen but there's Mark to think about, if it came back would he be okay with the choices I've made? I think a lot about if the roles where reversed and how I would feel if he was making the same decisions I've been making in this whole ordeal. At times, it would be a very bitter pill and so I give him a lot of credit for hanging in there as well as he has.
I'm very stubborn and don't give up easily but I've got to say I'm getting tired of this battle. I'm tired of doing hard and I hate being trapped in this body lately! I know things could be so much worse...I'm just having one of those days where I hate my circumstance. I hate this new normal!

WooHoo!

I met with Dr R to discuss all my menopause symptoms and I am so glad I sought her out! She told me about her mother's experience with breast cancer and how no physician would give her mom estrogen. We are on the same page when it comes to quality of life issues and so whenever I want estrogen, she will prescribe it! I am SO relieved to know that if I truly need it, I can get it. Now that I know I can have it, I'm still going to try and follow Dr P's rules and find alternative ways to feel better until that one year mark. In the meantime, Dr R is going to put me on a trial of low dose progesterone to see if that helps some of my symptoms. I honestly don't fully understand how this works in relation to menopause and will have to do some research, but I'm willing to give it a try. I'm just excited to try something that MAY help me feel more my age again! Maybe I can permanently get off the sleeping pills. :)

Heard from Dr P's office, my surgery is set for 12/6. I'm really nervous about this surgery in a way I didn't expect, I mean this will be a piece of cake in comparison to the last one. I think I'm afraid that he will find something or the pathology will come back with bad news. When it really counts, my medical tests have failed in one way or another. I'm given hope and then smacked with the reality that what was originally thought to be the case is no longer so. I think it's also a bit scary to have surgery because this truly marks the "end" of treatment for me. I've known this surgery was coming up for months so when chemo ended, I knew there was still one more part to be completed. I'm a bit unsettled about doing this surgery and I'm not entirely sure why. I guess it's time to meditate on my favorite "peace" verses and let scripture wash over my fears and whatever else is going on.
The good news is I received a call today that the Christian cancer support group I inquired about is starting an interest meeting this month, perfect timing! God IS in the details!

One year ago....

A year ago this month, I found out I had cancer. It feels a lot longer than a year as so much has changed! I think back to those first several weeks and I'm so thankful not to be in that same place emotionally or spiritually, it was a dark place. I still don't like this circumstance but I wouldn't change the lessons I've learned or the deepened relationship with God. I can now say that I have completely leaned on God with all kinds of hopeful expectations and while His plans are not my plans, I trust Him and God is good all the time! I have a lot of questions that this side of heaven will never be answered but I'm ok with that....and I never thought I would be. I used to really dislike 1 Peter because it talks a lot about suffering and that everyone will suffer in this lifetime. It's definitely not one of my favorite chapters in the bible but I don't fear suffering as much as I used to. I am not excited about some of the things God allows in my life, BUT I know He will supply me with whatever I need to endure through it. I never thought I would be okay with not having children but Mark and I find we are perfectly content. When the bible says that God knows the desires of our heart, it's true that He either fulfills that desire or gives you peace in the lack of it. I'm finding that my new calling is to love on other people's kids and hopefully to give the parents reprieve. I'm going to church today for training in the nursery and I can't wait to start loving on some babies!
I have SO much to be thankful for in this past year! I'm amazed at the protection God has provided thus far and how quickly treatment went to be honest. I've been working with individuals much younger than me that have cancer and are in the midst of their treatment, and while I don't understand why God allows all that He does, I come away from work seeing that God protected me in a multitude of ways. He truly knows our abilities, limits, and fills in the gap wherever needed. I don't know about you, but I'm thankful God only lets me see one small step at a time rather than see the bigger picture.

Second opinion

When I met with Dr P, we discussed some of my menopause symptoms as I want to feel more like my age. When he told me that "a hot flash never killed anyone," I was angry and told him that only a man would say that! It's not JUST hot flashes that bother me (however, these aren't warm flushes we are talking about, these are suffocating-I-want-out-of-my-skin hot flashes), it's also the insomnia, dry skin, joint paint, fatigue to name a few. Don't get me wrong, I have been very blessed to have Dr P as my oncologist but there are some things in which he lacks. We are struggling with quality of life issues and do not see eye to eye. He doesn't want to prescribe ANY type of estrogen for fear of the possibility of recurrence and has stated several times that he doesn't want to watch me die. I understand that and respect his stance, BUT he doesn't have to live with these daily irritations and can't relate to anything I'm talking about. At the beginning of this whole process we talked a lot about how quality of life is more important to me than quantity, and he promised he would help me have quality if I did the entire treatment. Now that I've completed treatment and have all these issues, I feel a bit betrayed as he simply wants to keep me alive. THAT WASN'T PART OF OUR DEAL! I'm beyond frustrated and angry and there are many days that I wish I never did radiation. I think part of Dr P's struggle is that menopause is something I was going to go through at some point and so what's the big deal if it's a decade or so early. Let me just say that there is a BIG difference between natural menopause and sudden menopause and knowing what I know now, I would do everything possible to avoid sudden menopause. I've done a lot of research to find out how to minimize my symptoms without HRT in order to play by Dr P's rules. I do have to give him credit because he is letting me experiment with an anti-hypertensive (clonidine) and this is outside of his comfort zone. I will say that clonidine drastically cuts down on the amount of hot flashes I have but it really adds to the fatigue, which was my only concern. I'm trying to stick it out to see if my body will adjust to the fatigue factor. In regards to all my other issues, I've called my old gyn (who is a female and in her 40's) to get a second opinion and see what she is willing to do to help. I want some forms of estrogen and I'm getting to the point where it's not negotiable. It is a risk to take estrogen but like I've said all along, I could follow all the rules and my cancer could come back. This is the point where I have to trust God, he is either going to allow my cancer to return or he's not. In the meantime, I want to feel like myself again! I want to feel like I'm in my 30's! I think a lot about Mark and how my decisions impact him....who would want this type of a wife? Please pray for my upcoming discussion with Dr R, and for wisdom for Mark and I as we try to make the best decision for us.

Building my God story one chapter at a time.....

I'm really struggling with this whole menopause journey, I hate it to be perfectly honest! I find myself being angry about it and not sure what to do with the anger. I'm sure Mark feels the blunt of it which is unfair and I hate that aspect and yet struggle to change it. Very few people my own age relate to what I'm going through and so it only adds to my feeling different, which was never a good thing in my family. I feel like I aged overnight, it feels like I've been robbed of over a decade of years in the blink of an eye. When people say I'm being brave or courageous I don't feel that way at all; I feel like a grumbling Israelite as I can see the many ways God has blessed me but I continue to focus on the circumstances I dislike. I know my menopause experience could be so much worse and I am thankful that it's not, but I don't know how to find contentment in this situation. I'm afraid that God is going to get sick of hearing me complain and truly give me something to complain about. That's probably not the healthiest of thoughts but it's the truth. I found myself telling God this morning that this whole journey He has given me is totally unfair, and of course, the pity party was beginning to start. He brought to mind one of my nieces because she had gone through this stage of keeping track of what was fair in her mind. My sister shared the story that one day she told her daughter that tomorrow everything would be fair amongst the two girls and asked if that was truly what she wanted, my niece was pretty excited about the idea of this. It turns out that the next day, my niece's younger sister was having a pretty rough day and in not listening to her mom got stuck in the pantry closet. In the process of getting the youngest sister out of the pantry, some of her hair got pulled out. Lisa went to her other daughter and informed her that she needed to lay down while Lisa pulled out some of her hair in honor of fairness day. She told me that my nieces eyes got big and she decided that sometimes fairness isn't what we want after all. I'm so much like my niece sometimes in wanting fairness but I guess I want things to be fair only on my terms. Thank you for the lesson Mikayla, it changed my outlook this morning!