Bittersweet time

On Saturday, we euthanized Jez as our vet had told us the mass on her liver was quite large and four months ago she had a clean check up. This meant her cancer was quite aggressive and we wanted to end things on a good note for her. I didn't want her to get to the point of suffering or in a lot of pain! It was the hardest decision I have ever made!! How rare it is in life to know the exact day of someones last breath and while it was a very bittersweet week for me, it gave me the opportunity to cherish special moments with her. She wasn't just my dog....she was at times my roommate and had become my four-legged kid. When Mark and I tell the story of how we met, it was my schnauzers that started a discussion and connecting point. Her last week was wonderfully filled with her favorite foods and lots of park time. On Saturday, we gave her cheese and ice cream (her all-time favorites), took her to the park and then headed in to the vet. I held her as she took her last breaths and it was a beautiful process. I think Mark and my family have been concerned with how I would handle this whole ordeal because my dogs have become my kids. I have to say that while this has been a VERY difficult time for me, I have been overwhelmed by gratitude and the gentle way God allowed this to unfold. He gave me an extra year and a half to prepare for this moment, and then graciously gave me an additional week to cherish my time with her and say goodbye. I am so touched by the fact that I serve a personable God who truly cares about the things I care about big and small. I was able to see God's loving hands all over Jez's life and especially in this last year and a half. What a loving God to allow me to complete my treatment and get through the holidays with her. She had been a constant reminder that science doesn't know it all, God is in control! Jez provided a lot of hope for me during my treatment.
Here's what I'm really starting to understand from this whole ordeal: I can't make judgements about God based on my circumstances and what I see, because He is working behind the scenes truly knitting everything together for my good. When we got the boys, it appeared to be a horrible and crazy time as Mark was starting school and I was about to start my fifth chemo cycle. Puppies aren't cheap and this decision made no sense to us financially. It was SO out of character for me to make such a big, rash decision and yet Mark and I now see how the timing was perfect. The boys don't replace Jez at all, but it certainly helps fill some of the void. I am SO thankful that Grace hasn't become an only dog as I think that would be a terrible shock to her. She's not thrilled with the boys, but at least it provides some distraction and excitement.

I realized last night, I had a very small glimpse into the kind of love that God has for us by giving us His only son. Putting Jez down was the hardest decision for me and yet the most loving thing I could do for her since she was sick. I can't begin to imagine giving up a healthy child for somebody's life! God gave up His only son for me long before I even cared about Him and how often I take that for granted. I let other distractions take a higher priority many times and what a slap in the face that must be! Who would have thought that through the death of my dog, I would fall a bit deeper in love with the Lord. God is good, all the time!

Bad News

I've been trying to prepare myself for this news when I was first told that Jez's cancer was extremely aggressive and the vet told us the likelihood that it had already spread was quite high. Several months later, I found out that I had cancer. It became my secret prayer that she make it to the one year mark, then that Jez would live through my treatment so I wouldn't have to deal with her loss at the same time. She made it and then my prayer became that she would live through the holiday season. She made it! So while I sat in the vet's clinic today and was told that Jez's cancer has metastasized to her liver, I was filled with gratitude and immense sadness. Gratitude that God granted my prayers and gave me an additional year and a half with Jez. Gratitude as the vet told me most dogs don't live past 14 days with the type of cancer and surgery she had. Gratitude for the lessons I've learned as God used my dogs to teach me a variety of things. Gratitude that God has slowly been preparing me for this moment. Basically, we must decide when to euthanize her and it's not as simple as it sounds. If her tumor bursts she will bleed out very quickly and that is not the way I want her to die. For the most part, her personality is still there and she enjoys her favorite things, so it's a difficult decision. Part of my sadness tonight is that Jez was beating the odds and it gave me a lot of hope for my own situation. I would look at her and be reminded that science doesn't know it all! Please pray for us as we make this difficult decision, I want to do the right thing at the right time. I'm really beginning to hate cancer!!!

"Beauty Will Rise" - Steven Curtis Chapman

Heard this song for the first time during a very dark period as I was trying to come to terms with all that God was allowing. Very Powerful! Enjoy!

Caleb & Will Chapman - We Will Wait - NY 2010

Dependence

During my quiet time today it became apparent as to why I'm struggling so much lately. I'm in a season of life where God is asking me to depend on Him 100% and I don't like it. I don't really have much choice as there is so much going on in my life right now that I can't control, my attitude, however, is a different story. I'm angry because simply put I don't like the way God is handling things, it's not how I would handle them. I've been so focused on how screwed up everything appears to be that I'm probably missing what God is trying to teach me lately. I think God has been asking me to let go and give up control lately, it's not something that comes naturally to me. It's not something I like to do! I'm very aware that I can't do life on my own but I don't seem to fully accept that at heart level. I keep trying to handle my circumstances the way I think I should, become overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and wonder where are you God? He's just waiting for me to give up, to stop struggling and wrestling for control. He's waiting for me to be still. God is a gentlemen! My inner two year has been working overtime so far this year and it's no wonder I'm so miserable! Help me to give up Lord, help me to stop, to let go, be still.

Aftermath update

On the lymphedema front, I'm still wearing the compression stocking daily and doing my exercises (which will be needed for the rest of my life). When I measured my leg the other day, there was only half an inch difference now, so that's an improvement! :) I will do a trial of no compression stocking in the middle of February and see how things go. I will always have to wear the stocking when I work because I'm on my feet so much and the lymph specialist recommended I wear it during exercise as well. The stocking has greatly improved the pain where most days my leg doesn't hurt.

In regards to all the menopause stuff, lets just say it has been very difficult. This past weekend I decided I have had it and I want to go on estrogen. Mark and I discussed it and it was a tense weekend as we don't see things eye to eye. I completely understand his point of view, I'm just not sure what it will take for him to see things from my perspective. I made an appointment with my GYN and after discussing my situation with her yesterday, I came away disappointed and in tears, but also a little relieved. Before she is willing to prescribe estrogen I HAVE to do a trial of effexor (which is an antidepressant) because it is the med of choice for hot flashes for women with cancer who can't have hormones. I have NOT wanted to take an antidepressant for hot flashes!!! But I don't have a choice at this point, if I want estrogen in the future, I have to go this route. Dr Ridnour kept telling me this medication made a world of difference to one of her other patients and that it worked immediately. So today is my first day taking the lowest possible dose of effexor and honestly, I hope it fixes the hot flashes and I start sleeping again. I'm disappointed because I was so hopeful in taking ONE medication that can potentially fix SO many of my issues, rather than treat one issue at a time with something else. I am beyond frustrated with taking something to fix one problem, only to find that yes, it fixes that problem but creates other issues for me. At the same time, I'm somewhat relieved not to start estrogen yet because it carries some serious risks. I want to make sure that if and when I start estrogen, I've exhausted all the alternatives first so that I won't feel guilty if something bad occurs. Plus, I would hope that at the point I start taking estrogen, Mark can be on board too. It's a difficult subject and we both have valid points. Anyway, the goal is that effexor will completely stop the hot flashes and night sweats, I will be able to sleep again and discontinue my sleeping pill plus clonidine. If I can get rid of a couple of pills with one pill, there will be some progress!

Work and God

I worked my first 12 hour shift on Sunday and it went quite well, I can do it! :) It's such a relief to know that physically I can do it, I'm more tired than I used to be but I can do it. One of my patients had a colonoscopy and found out that he has colon cancer with possible mets to the liver. We probably shouldn't have favorite patients but he became my favorite out of the group. I was with his family the minute they found out it was cancer, and my heart went out to them as I understand how their world changed in that moment. I didn't share my story with them because they already have the hope they need. In talking with the patient, he is a recovered alcoholic and a Christian, so we started talking about our faith and how no matter what happens in his case, everything will be okay. I found him to be truly inspiring, there is something so special about Christians during a crisis. It was a relief to know that I can work with cancer patients and not fall apart emotionally. I think the difference from the other day is that at this time, I can't work on cancer patients close to my age or situation. It's too close to home and I'm simply not ready. Depending on the situation, in the future if I get a cancer patient that's too close to my own situation, I will ask another nurse to trade cases with me. Safety first! I'm not sure if this is a cowards way out, but I know I'm not giving the patient the best care if I'm too emotionally involved! I find it interesting that no matter which department I work in lately, I get a cancer patient. Is God trying to tell me something?

As for my relationship with God, I am wrestling with Him these days. I'm angry and disappointed with a variety of things and then I feel guilty because I do see His blessings. Lately, I feel like I have a dysfunctional relationship with God and the dysfunction is coming from my part, not His. I'm in an awkward place, that's the only way I can describe it. I can't properly describe how shocking this emotional roller coaster is that comes with the cancer journey. I don't know what I expected but the peaks and valleys are much greater than I anticipated. Some days I truly feel like a crazy person, it's odd.