December

This has been quite a month as Mark had a total hip replacement at the beginning of the month on top of all the holiday business that occurs. I have to say that I am completely amazed at how far medicine has come when it comes to joint replacement! Thankfully, his surgery went very smooth and recovery for the most part is coming along smoothly as well. Because Mark is unable to bend down and pick up Alex, I'm beginning to realize just how much he helps me out. My heart goes out to all the single parents out there....I'm VERY thankful for Mark and all that he does as he is a hands on father and husband.

December is a very special month for a whole new reason this year--it's Alex's birth month and he is turning ONE! I can't believe how fast time has flown by already and I'm especially amazed at all the progress Alex has made. I remember when he first came into our home and the poor little guy had zero extra fat, he was so tiny, on oxygen, and pretty unhappy as he was still withdrawing from drugs. I can remember rocking him one day and wondering what kind of deficits he would face and praying that God would give us wisdom and discernment on how to deal with whatever the future held. I can't tell you how many nights I walked the house at all hours holding a crying baby and praying for this little guy that was SO uncomfortable. But I do remember the day that he was done withdrawing from drugs, it was like he was an entirely new baby overnight. From that moment on, we have seen him reach one milestone after another and to his doctors amazement. She always tells us that Alex is the poster child for what the power of love can do and I think she has half of the story correct. Yes, he is a VERY loved and wanted child but I truly believe Alex is a testament to the power of prayer as well. God has mercifully healed him in many ways and this precious boy has no deficits! When I first got Alex people often asked how premature he was as it was obvious he had some issues, but looking at him today you would never know all that he has overcome already. So as we celebrate his first birthday we also celebrate the many firsts that we weren't entirely sure he would achieve.
The only lasting effect that Alex carries is that he simply does not sleep as much as he should. He does remarkably well with the lack of sleep but we are starting to see some tantrums and such that I believe stem from his sleep issues. Please pray for him and sleep, we so desperately want complete healing in this area and trust that someday God will grant that prayer request as well.

I love the holidays and this time of year and it truly has been a special season seeing it through the eyes of  a one year old. It is no wonder God has a special place in his heart for kids. We hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and take some time to slow down and remember the true reason for this season. Happy Birthday Jesus!

A month of Thanksgiving

I have come to LOVE November and December and all the holiday fun that goes with it. I think we should be thankful all year long, however, I tend to be more mindful of this during the month of November. I was trying to think what one thing I'm thankful for this month and to be honest, I can't narrow it down to one. I can't believe how much my life has changed in such a short period of time and how good God has been to me/us. As the months pass from my cancer diagnosis, I continue to see what a blessing cancer has been to me and it stuns me a bit to even say that still. I was so certain I was being robbed of so many things when I was first diagnosed and instead I'm starting to see how God was molding and shaping me for a variety of gifts He wanted to give me. I'm SO thankful for the molding and shaping and just like the bible says, it was painful and uncomfortable at that time BUT so worth it! I'm a different person post-cancer and I can only give God the credit for that fact. I still have a lot of rough edges to work through and God continues to smooth them.
I LOVE being a mom, I really can't put it into words! I truly understand when the bible says that children are a "gift" from God.  Each child that has come into our home has been a special gift for the specified time they were here and I've learned something from each of them.  Alex has been one of the best gifts God has given me yet! I look at him and am thankful for my cancer diagnosis and the way that God completely changed my plans. I wouldn't change a thing in this parenting journey...some days I wish the emotional rollercoaster wasn't what it is but even God gets me through those days too. I never thought I could love a child that isn't biologically mine as much as I do. Alex may not look like me but he is mine. In our home, biological doesn't mean much because every child that walks through our door is ours. We love them as though they were biolgically ours. I completely understand when the bible talks about being "grafted" into God's family in a whole new way.

It's so easy to get caught up in the trials of life but don't let business steal your thankfulness because there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for in life. Thankfulness is a lot like trust, it's a choice, not a feeling!

Halloween

People are often shocked to hear that I have never been trick-or-treating, my parents didn't want us to participate in this dark holiday. I never felt like we missed out because we always did something on Halloween. I have wonderful memories of going to our church's Fall Harvest party and the goal was to dress up as different biblical characters. As we got older, I remember dressing up as a family and then playing putt putt golf or driving mini-race cars.
Mark and I have talked a lot about how we want to do different holidays in our household and we have decided not to do trick-or-treating with our kids. Halloween has such darkness behind it and we want to live out our principles as we see best. This also means we won't be doing Easter bunnies or santa claus and while I know some think we are being legalistic what is the harm, it is our personal belief that we don't want worldly things to steal important holidays and the meanings behind them. I want our kids to celebrate Christ's birthday on Christmas and to understand the true meaning behind Easter. As an adult, I appreciate the creative ways my parents instilled the important meanings behind the holiday while making sure we didn't feel left out. I remember my grandma always had a birthday cake for Jesus on Christmas and on Easter, my mom would hide gifts around the house and attached to each gift was a bible verse relevant to the holiday. I hope Mark and I can instill these types of things into our kids. If you celebrate with trick-or-treating, easter bunnies, or santa claus, please know there is no judgement from our end. We all do things differently and that is perfectly okay, we simply wanted to explain why we will do some of the holidays differently.

I know Alex won't remember his first Fall Harvest at our church and he is too young to eat candy but who can pass up dressing up our cutie!

Calling

I recently had a friend tell me how admirable it is that we do foster care and the whole conversation made me a bit uncomfortable actually. You see, we didn't choose foster care, we were called into it and that makes ALL the difference. I would say the number one thing I hear from people is that foster care is not something they feel they could do. My response to that is that if I do foster care in my own strength, it's not going to go well and I've had moments of that. When I do foster care and lean on God for his strength, it makes all the difference in the world. That's not to say that this is an easy journey because it has tons of unique challenges BUT the rewards far outnumber all the challenges. I see foster care much like discipleship in that many avoid the calling because it's uncomfortable and can be risky. All I can say to that is that God doesn't ask us to do comfortable most times because it wouldn't require us to lean on him, He calls us out into the uncomfortable and then gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it!

Two Year Anniversary

This week marks my two year anniversary of being cancer-free!!!! This is considered one of the big hurdles to achieve post treatment, the next is hitting the five year mark. At times, I wondered if I would ever make it to the two year mark so I'm very excited. I have an appointment with Dr P next month and I plan on asking if my port can come out, not that it bothers me but having it out would be one less thing to deal with. I have to get it flushed with heparin every six weeks to keep it from clotting and now that we are foster parents, I already have too many things to keep track. I'm not sure what Dr P will say about getting my port out, either way I will accept it. Anyway, it's hard to believe that it's only been two years since treatment as it seems like a lifetime ago now. In hindsight, I'm SO thankful that I completed the full treatment and these last two years have been much better than I could have imagined. God's promises certainly are true and He is definitely good all the time!!

Answered Prayers

God has answered my prayer and taken a huge load off of our trial. Our finances have been tight since I became sick and they got even tighter once we became foster parents because I am working much less. I have felt called to be a mom and these kids go through so much turmoil and chaos that I felt strongly about not having them in daycare. Plus, I've always wanted to be a mother and I don't want to miss out on a single thing with these kids. Choosing to work one day on the weekend has been very hard financially and at times didn't make sense when looking at our bank accounts. However, I believe that for this season God has called me to pour myself into these kids and trust Him with the numbers. This decision means living simply and quite honestly, goes against our culture. It has been hard and has certainly added to the stress between Mark and I, but recently we experienced God's hand on our finances that enable us to continue on this path. It's been very humbling to rely on God for finances but it's been good for our relationship with Him. In trials, you truly see where your heart is at, where you place your focus, and what you place as your "idols." I'm sure our finances will be tight for many years to come and honestly, I'm okay with that because I know that God will always provide for our needs. It's important to recognize needs from wants otherwise it's easy to become disillusioned. Anyway, I'm SO thankful that God has given us some wiggle room so to speak. I was finally able to tell Mark "see, God took care of it."  This is the part of living uncomfortably that I have really come to somewhat enjoy. It sounds crazy to some but it's only when you lean on God with your full weight do you constantly see just how involved He is in your life. We have experienced some very lean times recently, but I found myself quite thankful through most of it as I continued to see God in very practical ways. If you are always living comfortably, then you aren't experiencing God to the fullest and I can say that with lots of experience.

Disappointed

I'm in an awkward space lately where I feel somewhat disappointed by God. I know, that seems so disrespectful and sacrilegious to admit but let me explain. Mark and I are struggling with some issues that we saw coming, but I firmly believed God would only let occur to a point before stepping in to save us. Well, that point has come and gone and I'm wrestling with lots of questions. Was I hearing from God correctly in the first place? Am I making good decisions or did I make a bad decision somewhere along the line? Have I been placing my expectations onto God in a way that I shouldn't? I'm pretty confused and that makes me feel fairly lost. My faith in God hasn't been shaken by these new sets of struggles and I'm EXTREMELY thankful for that fact. I figured that one day I would say to Mark, "see, God kept us out of that pit," and it's becoming a scary reality that maybe part of God's plan is to allow us to sit in the pit for awhile. That's the part that is disappointing, feeling so confident that God will allow a quick season of struggle, only to realize He is allowing the season to last much longer than I anticipated. Just when I thought I was maturing in my walk with the Lord, I see the areas that need some serious work. I know God's ways are not my ways and most days I'm thankful for that fact. Today however, I just want to know I'm headed in the right direction.