Another placement...another disappointment

We received an emergent placement of an 8.5 month old girl a couple days before Mark's birthday. This poor child was in MUCH worse condition than we were told about and the caseworker dropped her off to our house earlier than expected because this little girl was freaking her out. At times she literally appeared to be dead and Mark and I would check on her all the time in the crib just to make sure she was breathing. I have never seen such a skinny baby in my life, it was absolutely heartbreaking. We had to pad the crib and car seat otherwise her bony prominences would start to become red, this should NEVER occur in a baby!!!! We only had her for five days but they were emotionally exhausting. I took her to urgent care and a pediatrician in that short time and found her to have a major diaper rash that was so bad it burned part of her skin, a uti, a yeast infection, and an ear infection. As a nurse, I was struggling to keep her hydrated and fed. The court decided to return her home on a technicality which royally pissed me off, I was terrified she would return home and I would get a call telling me this little girl had died. When we first got her she hardly cried, it was clear she had been neglected to the point that she gave up complaining. It is hard to understand how people can treat their own flesh and blood the way they do, let alone an innocent baby! Anyway, Mark and I decided that rather than let her go home we would take her to the ER in the hope that she would be admitted. God answered our prayers and little Taylor was admitted, we were so happy and it was a huge feeling of relief. However, when I called the next day to see how she was doing, I was told she would be discharged home. The system that is supposed to protect these kids is so broken and it makes me extremely angry! It's no wonder we have generation after generation in the foster care system. I love these kids....I hate the system!! We continue to pray for Taylor and hope that should she re-enter the system she will be returned to us.

Not a mascara kind of day........

It's only a few days into the new year and I'm feeling somewhat empty. We go to court tomorrow for Alex and we were hoping to set a termination date. I've been looking nervously forward to this court date because you never really know what is going to happen but I'm very ready to make Alex legally ours. Our caseworker dropped quite a bombshell on us yesterday--instead of termination, they are filing for another six months simply because his bio dad hasn't signed consent papers and therefore hasn't done some evaluations. This man ALWAYS resurfaces right before court, spews out his desires/wishes and then disappears failing to meet the minimum requirements. I love being a foster parent, I just HATE the system!! It's very broken and I can honestly say that most times they don't have the child's best interest at heart, it's more about protecting their butt in case of getting sued. It's in moments like these that I'm very tired of God asking me to do hard. I know ultimately He will help me through whatever occurs but in my flesh, I'm angry and I feel like quitting the hard stuff. I went into foster care knowing this would be heartbreaking at times and it definitely doesn't disappoint in that area, but there is no way to fully prepare the heart. I've tried very hard not to let my mind wander towards Alex's future because I didn't know if I would be a part of it or not, but since there has been complete silence from both bio parents since September I started to allow my mind wander. Mark and I have picked out his middle name with the expectation of being able to adopt. I can't fully put into words how difficult this news has hit us, it's beyond heartbreaking. It's amazing how quickly I can go from one end of the emotional spectrum to the opposite end in minutes. I'm choosing to trust God in this matter and desperately trying not to rely on my feelings at the moment. I know God is in complete control despite how the circumstances appear. I'm SO angry and the tears just keep coming today. I love this boy SO much! Part of me wants to lay into his bio dad at court tomorrow and tell him exactly what I think of him, the other part of me feels like begging him to stop fighting and let us adopt. I'm thankful court isn't today because I don't feel like being Christ-like to this man. I'm an emotional mess, very confused, and really needing to see God in some practical ways in the next few days. Please pray for me and for this messed up system!

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

What a year 2012 has been, it's the year we became foster parents and started this crazy journey. We have had a total of five kids in our home and hoping to adopt Alex. It's the year I reached my two year cancer free anniversary and got my port out! There has been a lot of ups and downs in the world this year but personally, I like this year and it will be remembered as one of my best. I'm SO thankful that Mark and I put our fears aside and answered the call to become foster parents. I have said this so many times but I never would have imagined this would be our calling or our journey and yet, God knew what was best for us and it really is perfect. So, when it comes to 2013, I can't wait to see what He has in store for us this year! I feel strongly that God has more kids in store for us, so we eagerly wait for the right child at the right time. People have asked if we would take another drug baby as lets be honest, they are not easy babies. However, knowing all that we know now, my heart goes out to these children and I sort of have a soft spot. Would you join us in prayer for wisdom and discernment on which placement to take. As much as I would like, we can't save every child that comes into the system and it can be a struggle to put aside my wishes when it isn't the same as the Lords. This is probably a lifelong battle, living life with an open hand to God letting Him give and take as He sees best. He does know best though!
January 9th will be a big day in our home as Alex's case goes before the court yet again. We are hoping and praying that a termination date be set so that we can start the process of adoption. It's VERY hard to be patient because Alex is my son already, I just want the legal system to recognize it. As you know I'm a huge "what if" type of person but this is one area that I don't let my mind wander much. I can't, I love him too much. All I know and try to focus on is that God is in full control and I know He has great plans for Alex. Anyway, we hope to bring BIG news this year as we have big expectations!
Happy New Year everyone! No matter what this year brings, lets choose to bring light to this dark world of ours as this is all of our calling!

December

This has been quite a month as Mark had a total hip replacement at the beginning of the month on top of all the holiday business that occurs. I have to say that I am completely amazed at how far medicine has come when it comes to joint replacement! Thankfully, his surgery went very smooth and recovery for the most part is coming along smoothly as well. Because Mark is unable to bend down and pick up Alex, I'm beginning to realize just how much he helps me out. My heart goes out to all the single parents out there....I'm VERY thankful for Mark and all that he does as he is a hands on father and husband.

December is a very special month for a whole new reason this year--it's Alex's birth month and he is turning ONE! I can't believe how fast time has flown by already and I'm especially amazed at all the progress Alex has made. I remember when he first came into our home and the poor little guy had zero extra fat, he was so tiny, on oxygen, and pretty unhappy as he was still withdrawing from drugs. I can remember rocking him one day and wondering what kind of deficits he would face and praying that God would give us wisdom and discernment on how to deal with whatever the future held. I can't tell you how many nights I walked the house at all hours holding a crying baby and praying for this little guy that was SO uncomfortable. But I do remember the day that he was done withdrawing from drugs, it was like he was an entirely new baby overnight. From that moment on, we have seen him reach one milestone after another and to his doctors amazement. She always tells us that Alex is the poster child for what the power of love can do and I think she has half of the story correct. Yes, he is a VERY loved and wanted child but I truly believe Alex is a testament to the power of prayer as well. God has mercifully healed him in many ways and this precious boy has no deficits! When I first got Alex people often asked how premature he was as it was obvious he had some issues, but looking at him today you would never know all that he has overcome already. So as we celebrate his first birthday we also celebrate the many firsts that we weren't entirely sure he would achieve.
The only lasting effect that Alex carries is that he simply does not sleep as much as he should. He does remarkably well with the lack of sleep but we are starting to see some tantrums and such that I believe stem from his sleep issues. Please pray for him and sleep, we so desperately want complete healing in this area and trust that someday God will grant that prayer request as well.

I love the holidays and this time of year and it truly has been a special season seeing it through the eyes of  a one year old. It is no wonder God has a special place in his heart for kids. We hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and take some time to slow down and remember the true reason for this season. Happy Birthday Jesus!

A month of Thanksgiving

I have come to LOVE November and December and all the holiday fun that goes with it. I think we should be thankful all year long, however, I tend to be more mindful of this during the month of November. I was trying to think what one thing I'm thankful for this month and to be honest, I can't narrow it down to one. I can't believe how much my life has changed in such a short period of time and how good God has been to me/us. As the months pass from my cancer diagnosis, I continue to see what a blessing cancer has been to me and it stuns me a bit to even say that still. I was so certain I was being robbed of so many things when I was first diagnosed and instead I'm starting to see how God was molding and shaping me for a variety of gifts He wanted to give me. I'm SO thankful for the molding and shaping and just like the bible says, it was painful and uncomfortable at that time BUT so worth it! I'm a different person post-cancer and I can only give God the credit for that fact. I still have a lot of rough edges to work through and God continues to smooth them.
I LOVE being a mom, I really can't put it into words! I truly understand when the bible says that children are a "gift" from God.  Each child that has come into our home has been a special gift for the specified time they were here and I've learned something from each of them.  Alex has been one of the best gifts God has given me yet! I look at him and am thankful for my cancer diagnosis and the way that God completely changed my plans. I wouldn't change a thing in this parenting journey...some days I wish the emotional rollercoaster wasn't what it is but even God gets me through those days too. I never thought I could love a child that isn't biologically mine as much as I do. Alex may not look like me but he is mine. In our home, biological doesn't mean much because every child that walks through our door is ours. We love them as though they were biolgically ours. I completely understand when the bible talks about being "grafted" into God's family in a whole new way.

It's so easy to get caught up in the trials of life but don't let business steal your thankfulness because there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for in life. Thankfulness is a lot like trust, it's a choice, not a feeling!

Halloween

People are often shocked to hear that I have never been trick-or-treating, my parents didn't want us to participate in this dark holiday. I never felt like we missed out because we always did something on Halloween. I have wonderful memories of going to our church's Fall Harvest party and the goal was to dress up as different biblical characters. As we got older, I remember dressing up as a family and then playing putt putt golf or driving mini-race cars.
Mark and I have talked a lot about how we want to do different holidays in our household and we have decided not to do trick-or-treating with our kids. Halloween has such darkness behind it and we want to live out our principles as we see best. This also means we won't be doing Easter bunnies or santa claus and while I know some think we are being legalistic what is the harm, it is our personal belief that we don't want worldly things to steal important holidays and the meanings behind them. I want our kids to celebrate Christ's birthday on Christmas and to understand the true meaning behind Easter. As an adult, I appreciate the creative ways my parents instilled the important meanings behind the holiday while making sure we didn't feel left out. I remember my grandma always had a birthday cake for Jesus on Christmas and on Easter, my mom would hide gifts around the house and attached to each gift was a bible verse relevant to the holiday. I hope Mark and I can instill these types of things into our kids. If you celebrate with trick-or-treating, easter bunnies, or santa claus, please know there is no judgement from our end. We all do things differently and that is perfectly okay, we simply wanted to explain why we will do some of the holidays differently.

I know Alex won't remember his first Fall Harvest at our church and he is too young to eat candy but who can pass up dressing up our cutie!

Calling

I recently had a friend tell me how admirable it is that we do foster care and the whole conversation made me a bit uncomfortable actually. You see, we didn't choose foster care, we were called into it and that makes ALL the difference. I would say the number one thing I hear from people is that foster care is not something they feel they could do. My response to that is that if I do foster care in my own strength, it's not going to go well and I've had moments of that. When I do foster care and lean on God for his strength, it makes all the difference in the world. That's not to say that this is an easy journey because it has tons of unique challenges BUT the rewards far outnumber all the challenges. I see foster care much like discipleship in that many avoid the calling because it's uncomfortable and can be risky. All I can say to that is that God doesn't ask us to do comfortable most times because it wouldn't require us to lean on him, He calls us out into the uncomfortable and then gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it!