Gloomy Day

I woke up in a bad mood and I can't seem to get out of this funk. It probably doesn't help that it's been misting all day, trying to turn into snow.
Had my MRI yesterday and thankfully, one of the nurses there was a nurse I trained at my current job. I've been very blessed that with each new and scary hospital experience, I've had a nurse that I used to work with or know in some way. Now, it's the waiting game and that's the hard part. Part of me wants to know the results and part of me doesn't (if they are bad) because that will change our whole coarse of treatment and will dramatically change my life. The waiting is the hard part. Anyway, trying to get out of this negative funk that I'm in and move into a more positive attitude.

Roller coaster

Yesterday was a great day, got things done and spent time with the husband. Yesterday I felt as if I could battle anything that got in my way. Today, I woke up with a headache and pressure on the left side of my face, similar to a sinus infection. Immediately, I start to wonder if I'm getting a blood clot, is it on its way to my head? Am I making a wise decision to keep my uterus in the hope that I get to use it one day? Mark expressed some concerns about me being on Megace and the blood clots, I try to convince him that it will all be ok but I'm not sure I buy what I'm saying either. Some days I feel like I can't go through this, I can't deal with this....today I'm having one of those days. Sometimes I wake up and it feels like this whole ordeal is a nightmare and then I'm snapped back into reality, this IS my life. I have cancer and my dreams of having a child are uncertain. Some days it's hard. Thankfully, I won't stay in this funk for too long. "This too shall pass" and I'm counting on it.

The "C" Diagnosis

I never thought I would hear the words cancer in relation to me...especially at 31. I'm a nurse, I take care of patients, I don't make a good patient myself. My nursing career is in cardiac and ICU and more recently infectious disease. I've given devastating, life-altering news to a variety of people throughout my career and I've tried to give it as compassionately as I can....now I can relate in a whole new way. I have uterine cancer and while this doesn't define me, it certainly changes the way I view everything. I don't fit the profile for uterine cancer--it doesn't run in my family, I'm not obese, and I ovulate regularly. When I first heard that I had cancer I wanted to know why, the nurse side of me had to make some scientific sense of all of this. I know cancer doesn't even follow it's own "cancer rules" and sometimes you can't make sense of a diagnosis, the individual is simply an "interesting case." Through this ordeal I am learning far more about the female body than I ever planned. Here are some valuable lessons I've learned so far:

1. If you think there is something wrong with your period, fight for an answer. Yes, periods are called many negative things such as "the curse," but they shouldn't be painful. We shouldn't always assume this is simply a part of being a woman and something we have to endure.

2. Never trust a doctor's answer of "Don't worry about it." I was told I had low progesterone levels in my mid-twenties and not to worry about it.....now we believe that's why I have cancer.

3. Listen to your gut feeling and be your own advocate. You only have one body and you are the only expert to that body.

4. Ask your health professionals lots of questions, get second opinions, and do some research of your own. Don't let fear guide your decisions!

I've been told by just about everyone in the professional field that I should have a hysterectomy. I'm 31 and I don't have children yet, so that was not an acceptable answer to me. I've been given statistics and doctors personal opinions to support there recommendations but I'm the one who will have to live with the decisions and regrets. So I want to make the best decision that I can make taking as much research into account. Please don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't trust doctors, after all, I work in this field and stand behind many wonderful doctors out there. However, I know that doctors are humans who make mistakes too and can't possibly predict the outcomes 100%. I've seen people in ICU come off a ventilator and function far better than anyone could have predicted or imagined. I've seen many "should not be alive, should not be functioning so well" leave the hospital with a much brighter future than I would have expected. So I'm starting a journey not well traveled, I'm not choosing the "standard of care" at this point. Thankfully, I have a wonderful oncologist willing to travel this journey with me....for now. I've never followed the rules, so why start now?