Surgery Anniversary

It's hard to believe that a year ago today, I had the hysterectomy. I went into the surgery ready to do it and relieved that it was time as we knew I had been failing treatment. God graciously allowed me to get to the point where emotionally I was ready to let go of my uterus and some of my dreams. I worked up until the surgery and found it such a comfort that each time I worked, I took care of a woman who had a similar type of surgery. I watched them bounce back so quickly that it really helped lower my fear levels. What I didn't think about is the fact that none of those women had cancer and so there surgery wasn't quite as involved or intrusive, and that set me up for some unrealistic expectations. The first time I woke up after surgery I was a bit stunned as to how much pain I was in, it literally took my breath away. It took quite awhile to get my pain under control but once it was better, I started asking questions about the outcome of the surgery. I could tell by my families responses that something was wrong, that my cancer had spread. I was prepared to hear that bit of news because of the pain and bleeding leading up to the surgery, I was prepared to hear it spread to an ovary. Mark and my family had decided they would let Dr P give me the results the next morning, but I started asking specific questions because I could tell that something was wrong and I wanted to know right then! I remember my sister was the one to tell me that the results came back as papillary serous. She didn't think I would know what that meant because it was a rare type of cancer and not talked about all that often. I remember everything started to cave in on me and the tears began to flow, this simply couldn't be happening!! I think by now you all know I'm not a pill person but I remember feeling like I could use some valium or ativan at that moment (I didn't). :) My nurse came in my room around that time and asked if I wanted the chaplain to visit and I did! I had been SO angry at the fact that I had cancer, but the one thing I had been thankful for is that I didn't have a papillary type of cancer as they are nasty and sometimes not responsive to treatment. To find that small bit of hope crushed felt like my last bit of light at the end of the tunnel was gone. Everyone tried to be very reassuring that I would get through this and yet their fears were somewhat palpable. It was a scary time and there were so many unanswered questions. When Dr P came out to speak to my family and appeared visibly shaken (so I'm told), sat down (it's never good news when the MD sits), and explained to them he didn't know how this could happen. This was the first time we all knew that chemo would be required, next would be waiting for the full pathology report. I have to say that Mark made it very clear to me that whatever we faced next, we would face as a team. He simply wanted me to live. I had never been pro-chemo but seeing just how much he loved me, how could I not give it a try? Hard to believe it's been a year, it feels like a lifetime ago! Sometimes I'm thankful God doesn't give us all the details to our future.