Three month check up

Every three months for the next two years I will see my oncologist for tests. Had my three month check up with Dr P yesterday and for the most part, I don't let these appointments consume my thoughts. In fact, I hardly pray anymore about remaining cancer free because I trust God's plans...for the most part. :) I noticed the night before my appointment I started to think about it all and let a few "what ifs" enter my thoughts. I didn't get nervous until I sat down in the office waiting to be called back, then some of my old thought habits returned a bit. I started thinking that if I was told the cancer had returned, maybe if I had spent more time praying about it all, I would remain cancer free. Then I realized how screwed up that sort of thinking is and that it is simply a lie. I can pray twenty-four hours a day that I remain cancer free but if that isn't God's will, it won't happen. It's actually a relief sometimes to realize I control so little, because then I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders...if I choose not to that is. On some level I definitely worry about it coming back because when I asked Dr P about my chances of occurrence, his response surprised me and left me a bit unsettled. I've heard so much about getting to the two year mark, it seems that if I could achieve that then my chances of occurrence dramatically decrease. I've been so focused on getting to the two year mark that I haven't worried all that much about getting to the year mark, when in reality each year counts and it will always be an unknown thing. This is where being a nurse and being a patient sometimes becomes a conflict. As a nurse, I like to know the statistics and science behind it all and yet as a patient, I know that I'm not a statistic, I really don't fit in any category for my type of cancer, and that it's all up to God anyway. Dr P's advise: take each day as it comes, live it to the fullest because there are no guarantees. Getting to the two and then five year mark does help my chances of remaining cancer free, but if we looked at all the odds behind my cancer and my health history, I shouldn't have this type of cancer in the first place. I have the type of cancer that doesn't even follow cancer rules! That type of knowledge can be so discouraging or fear-based if I don't keep the truth in front of me. The truth is God doesn't allow anything to happen to me that is outside of His will. I may not like the path He takes me on sometimes but I trust that it is ALL for my good and His glory. God-willing, I still want to make it to that two and then five year mark! Anyway, I'm proud of myself for catching some of the crazy thoughts before they spun into an all out panic. Never waste a good panic as my cancer support group says!

Foster care front

Mark and I have met with a couple of foster care agencies and I think we found an agency we want to work with. They seem to have a wonderful program for everyone involved and they really think about foster parents needs. We decided to go with a Christian agency because we want someone who will support our values and principles when raising kids, it is such a vital foundation. Anyway, we will be starting the paperwork process and continue to pray about this as becoming our new ministry. I never would have considered becoming a foster parent before cancer, I simply wasn't interested. God's plans certainly are different from our own plans! I'm not 100% sure this is something we will ultimately do but we still have time to work all that out. We must make a decision one way or another by the time we reach the point of going through with a home study, thankfully, that's down the road just a bit yet. Some days it is fun to think about and other days it's terrifying. Again, I'm being reminded to live in the present, the future doesn't belong to me anyway so why worry about something I can't control?

A little low on compassion

I have been working quite a bit in ICU lately which is a good thing; however, they have been VERY short on nurses lately and that has become taxing. Part of my growing frustration is that I'm not the same kind of nurse I used to be, I'm not sure if this is due to menopause or chemo brain. In emergencies, I used to be pretty good at multi-tasking and I could store labs/drug amounts/orders in my head until I had a chance to write them all down. Now...not so much and it is really shaking my confidence! Sometimes I really wonder if I belong in ICU anymore. I suppose it will be an adjustment process before I find a system that works well. It is definitely humbling!
There is a dark side to nursing that we (nurses) often talk about amongst ourselves and I'm a bit conflicted about sharing it to others, but the truth is I need prayer. It's no surprise that as the world continues to push God out there is an increase in self destruction. I'm seeing a disturbing trend in the patient population of ICU, they are young individuals whose destructive coping skills are literally killing them. For the most part, I take care of two patients at a time and I can honestly say that at least one of my patients is in the ICU from drugs, alcohol, or both. I'm rapidly growing tired of trying to save someone who is determined to kill themselves. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time and efforts, we patch up these young people only to have them come back in a worse condition. I'm tired of watching our tax dollars go towards alcoholics and drug addicts who have no intention of trying to become sober. Life is truly a gift and I'm tired of watching so many throw theirs away while others are desperately trying to fight. I'm running dangerously low on compassion for these people and I know that is the wrong attitude. God loves these individuals and they deserve a compassionate nurse, not a hardened, sarcastic nurse. I need prayer for compassion, that's the simple truth.