Three month check up

Every three months for the next two years I will see my oncologist for tests. Had my three month check up with Dr P yesterday and for the most part, I don't let these appointments consume my thoughts. In fact, I hardly pray anymore about remaining cancer free because I trust God's plans...for the most part. :) I noticed the night before my appointment I started to think about it all and let a few "what ifs" enter my thoughts. I didn't get nervous until I sat down in the office waiting to be called back, then some of my old thought habits returned a bit. I started thinking that if I was told the cancer had returned, maybe if I had spent more time praying about it all, I would remain cancer free. Then I realized how screwed up that sort of thinking is and that it is simply a lie. I can pray twenty-four hours a day that I remain cancer free but if that isn't God's will, it won't happen. It's actually a relief sometimes to realize I control so little, because then I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders...if I choose not to that is. On some level I definitely worry about it coming back because when I asked Dr P about my chances of occurrence, his response surprised me and left me a bit unsettled. I've heard so much about getting to the two year mark, it seems that if I could achieve that then my chances of occurrence dramatically decrease. I've been so focused on getting to the two year mark that I haven't worried all that much about getting to the year mark, when in reality each year counts and it will always be an unknown thing. This is where being a nurse and being a patient sometimes becomes a conflict. As a nurse, I like to know the statistics and science behind it all and yet as a patient, I know that I'm not a statistic, I really don't fit in any category for my type of cancer, and that it's all up to God anyway. Dr P's advise: take each day as it comes, live it to the fullest because there are no guarantees. Getting to the two and then five year mark does help my chances of remaining cancer free, but if we looked at all the odds behind my cancer and my health history, I shouldn't have this type of cancer in the first place. I have the type of cancer that doesn't even follow cancer rules! That type of knowledge can be so discouraging or fear-based if I don't keep the truth in front of me. The truth is God doesn't allow anything to happen to me that is outside of His will. I may not like the path He takes me on sometimes but I trust that it is ALL for my good and His glory. God-willing, I still want to make it to that two and then five year mark! Anyway, I'm proud of myself for catching some of the crazy thoughts before they spun into an all out panic. Never waste a good panic as my cancer support group says!