Gonna take my thougths captive today

I feel a little silly writing this post, but I want to be honest in my faith journey and sometimes doubts creep in more than I care to admit. Yesterday was just an average day, I worked in radiation oncology and had a young 21 year old patient who was recently diagnosed with cancer. I'm not sure if her case influenced some of my fears or if they would have been there regardless. In any case, I started to have some cramps similar to the way I used to feel prior to my diagnosis and I just couldn't keep up with all the fears flooding my thoughts. I started to feel pretty foolish talking about my one year cancer-free anniversary before it had arrived. What if I don't make it to that anniversary? I was once again reminded that I shouldn't make long-term plans...at least not concrete long-term plans. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. As I continued to not feel the greatest some of my old habits kicked in, I went to the worst case scenario. What if my cancer is back? What if I have a bowel obstruction due to radiation? What if....? I hate going down that road and yet I'm such an expert at it, it comes so naturally. I decided not to talk to anyone about this because why drag them along in my fears, it may be for nothing. I feel MUCH better today, I'm just exhausted and I'm struggling with doubts. Should we even turn in our foster parenting application? My future is a bit unknown and I would hate to start something I couldn't finish. So, I'm struggling just a bit today BUT, I'm determined to take my thoughts captive and turn them over to the Lord. He is the only one who knows my future anyway. To be honest, I don't feel like trusting God today but I'm going to choose to trust Him. Thankfully, faith isn't a feeling, it's a choice....and more often than not, if I do what I know I should, the feelings will follow. I'm so glad the Lord is patient with me! I may stumble from time to time and fall, but I won't stay down as long as I used to. I guess that is progress after all.

One year anniversary

At the end of this month, it will be my one year cancer-free anniversary and I'm excited about it! We had one of Mark's former co-workers over for dinner, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer early this year and told that she would be dead by August. Well, this month she was told she was in remission! Anyway, she has decided to have an "I'm not dead yet" party. That got me thinking and I think Mark and I will have to do something fun to celebrate this mile marker. At times it's really hard to believe I was even sick, I feel SO much better these days! It has been quite a journey and I'm thankful for all of it. You can't really appreciate the good days until you have experienced some bad ones.

On the hair front, I'm sad to report that I'm losing my chemo curl. Back to having stick straight hair again, oh well, it was fun while it lasted. I'm finally at the process of figuring out what kind of style I want and I think I'm gonna stick with the Meg Ryan wig style. :) What I have learned from this whole experience is that in the past I spent WAY too much time on my hair and life is too short for that. I want something quick and simple! I unpacked my hot rollers and hair accessories today and it brought back a variety of emotions from the day I packed them up. I've learned that while wigs can be a lot of fun and provide a lot of variety, nothing quite compares to having my own hair.

Who do you Stand for?

The news has really become something most of us don't like to watch these days, scary things are happening in the world. However, for Christians this I believe is our moment to shine because we know who is on our side. Yes, the world is becoming darker and God is being forced out of American society like never before, but is this really a surprise? God in His graciousness told us these things would occur, that the path to Him is narrow and not many take it, that the world would become darker before He makes it better. That's why I believe as Christians it is our duty to be aware of what is going on around us, to truly KNOW what the bible states, so that we can be the light that shines in the darkness around us. I believe Christians can no longer be apathetic, you must choose who you stand for and then dig in and stand! I love the bumper stickers NOTW (not of this world), it brings me the greatest peace in the chaos of this world.


I highly recommend this documentary based solely on facts and the bible, it is fascinating! I don't often recommend these types of things but I feel strongly about this one. Watch it, pray, and continue to be informed. Click on the sight below and watch the video, you won't regret it.

http://www.glennbeck.com/content/blog/glenn/rumorsofwar/

Encouraged

I recently got back from a trip to northern Idaho to see my parents and their new farm adventure, but mostly to speak the truth in a loving way. It was a good trip and I have a better understanding of their needs and what to pray for. After coming home, I also saw that someone I care for and have placed time, counsel, and countless amounts of pray for continue to make poor choices and shut God out. I came home feeling a bit deflated as I desperately want God to move in a variety of people's lives who I care so much for. I started to feel like it really doesn't matter what I say or do, I'm not making much difference in these individuals lives, and that lie started to make me feel somewhat depressed. Do you ever have those days where you feel like why bother? Why try to help those who clearly need it but aren't exactly willing to accept the help you give? All I can say is thank God for the truth of His word, it always comes to me at the exact moment I need it! The verse that jump started me out of the pit I was heading towards was Isaiah 55:10-11, " As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." What a perfect reminder that first of all, it is not up to me to change people or fix their circumstances it is up to God. Second of all, God's word never goes out wasted, so while I may not see the results I'm hoping right away, God can still use His words to work through someones life at the exact right moment for them down the road. Isn't it just like satan to get us to believe that we are ineffective or that God's word isn't enough to fix the hurts in our lives and those around us. There are several people I wish God would simply take away their hurts and magically fix all their problems but then again, He rarely works that way. I think God is far more interested in our hearts and fixing us from the inside out, so the trials and circumstances of life are used for a good purpose. If God solved all of our troubles right away, what would be the incentive to change? I'll continue to pray for those I'm worried about and leave them at the Lord's feet, He is the only one I know truly capable of healing, fixing, and making whole. And I'm no longer deflated because I know that the things I've said or the time I've spent wasn't wasted, God will use it even if I never see how He worked it all out.

Date Days

Mark and I have been finally crossing off our "fun-to-do" list and really enjoying the summer. It will be kind of sad to see him go back to school as I enjoy being able to go places during the week to simply get away and have fun. I think we both are cherishing this together time a bit more lately as we know that our family of us and the dogs could change quite drastically in a years time. We don't know what God has in store for us which can be a bit unsettling at times but for the most part, we try to be content and live in the moment. I just love Colorado and all its beauty at our doorstep. I'll have to post a picture of Pikes Peak as we drove up to the summit, it was beautiful and simply a fun day of being together!