Gonna take my thougths captive today

I feel a little silly writing this post, but I want to be honest in my faith journey and sometimes doubts creep in more than I care to admit. Yesterday was just an average day, I worked in radiation oncology and had a young 21 year old patient who was recently diagnosed with cancer. I'm not sure if her case influenced some of my fears or if they would have been there regardless. In any case, I started to have some cramps similar to the way I used to feel prior to my diagnosis and I just couldn't keep up with all the fears flooding my thoughts. I started to feel pretty foolish talking about my one year cancer-free anniversary before it had arrived. What if I don't make it to that anniversary? I was once again reminded that I shouldn't make long-term plans...at least not concrete long-term plans. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. As I continued to not feel the greatest some of my old habits kicked in, I went to the worst case scenario. What if my cancer is back? What if I have a bowel obstruction due to radiation? What if....? I hate going down that road and yet I'm such an expert at it, it comes so naturally. I decided not to talk to anyone about this because why drag them along in my fears, it may be for nothing. I feel MUCH better today, I'm just exhausted and I'm struggling with doubts. Should we even turn in our foster parenting application? My future is a bit unknown and I would hate to start something I couldn't finish. So, I'm struggling just a bit today BUT, I'm determined to take my thoughts captive and turn them over to the Lord. He is the only one who knows my future anyway. To be honest, I don't feel like trusting God today but I'm going to choose to trust Him. Thankfully, faith isn't a feeling, it's a choice....and more often than not, if I do what I know I should, the feelings will follow. I'm so glad the Lord is patient with me! I may stumble from time to time and fall, but I won't stay down as long as I used to. I guess that is progress after all.