Not a mascara kind of day........

It's only a few days into the new year and I'm feeling somewhat empty. We go to court tomorrow for Alex and we were hoping to set a termination date. I've been looking nervously forward to this court date because you never really know what is going to happen but I'm very ready to make Alex legally ours. Our caseworker dropped quite a bombshell on us yesterday--instead of termination, they are filing for another six months simply because his bio dad hasn't signed consent papers and therefore hasn't done some evaluations. This man ALWAYS resurfaces right before court, spews out his desires/wishes and then disappears failing to meet the minimum requirements. I love being a foster parent, I just HATE the system!! It's very broken and I can honestly say that most times they don't have the child's best interest at heart, it's more about protecting their butt in case of getting sued. It's in moments like these that I'm very tired of God asking me to do hard. I know ultimately He will help me through whatever occurs but in my flesh, I'm angry and I feel like quitting the hard stuff. I went into foster care knowing this would be heartbreaking at times and it definitely doesn't disappoint in that area, but there is no way to fully prepare the heart. I've tried very hard not to let my mind wander towards Alex's future because I didn't know if I would be a part of it or not, but since there has been complete silence from both bio parents since September I started to allow my mind wander. Mark and I have picked out his middle name with the expectation of being able to adopt. I can't fully put into words how difficult this news has hit us, it's beyond heartbreaking. It's amazing how quickly I can go from one end of the emotional spectrum to the opposite end in minutes. I'm choosing to trust God in this matter and desperately trying not to rely on my feelings at the moment. I know God is in complete control despite how the circumstances appear. I'm SO angry and the tears just keep coming today. I love this boy SO much! Part of me wants to lay into his bio dad at court tomorrow and tell him exactly what I think of him, the other part of me feels like begging him to stop fighting and let us adopt. I'm thankful court isn't today because I don't feel like being Christ-like to this man. I'm an emotional mess, very confused, and really needing to see God in some practical ways in the next few days. Please pray for me and for this messed up system!

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

What a year 2012 has been, it's the year we became foster parents and started this crazy journey. We have had a total of five kids in our home and hoping to adopt Alex. It's the year I reached my two year cancer free anniversary and got my port out! There has been a lot of ups and downs in the world this year but personally, I like this year and it will be remembered as one of my best. I'm SO thankful that Mark and I put our fears aside and answered the call to become foster parents. I have said this so many times but I never would have imagined this would be our calling or our journey and yet, God knew what was best for us and it really is perfect. So, when it comes to 2013, I can't wait to see what He has in store for us this year! I feel strongly that God has more kids in store for us, so we eagerly wait for the right child at the right time. People have asked if we would take another drug baby as lets be honest, they are not easy babies. However, knowing all that we know now, my heart goes out to these children and I sort of have a soft spot. Would you join us in prayer for wisdom and discernment on which placement to take. As much as I would like, we can't save every child that comes into the system and it can be a struggle to put aside my wishes when it isn't the same as the Lords. This is probably a lifelong battle, living life with an open hand to God letting Him give and take as He sees best. He does know best though!
January 9th will be a big day in our home as Alex's case goes before the court yet again. We are hoping and praying that a termination date be set so that we can start the process of adoption. It's VERY hard to be patient because Alex is my son already, I just want the legal system to recognize it. As you know I'm a huge "what if" type of person but this is one area that I don't let my mind wander much. I can't, I love him too much. All I know and try to focus on is that God is in full control and I know He has great plans for Alex. Anyway, we hope to bring BIG news this year as we have big expectations!
Happy New Year everyone! No matter what this year brings, lets choose to bring light to this dark world of ours as this is all of our calling!