Not a mascara kind of day........

It's only a few days into the new year and I'm feeling somewhat empty. We go to court tomorrow for Alex and we were hoping to set a termination date. I've been looking nervously forward to this court date because you never really know what is going to happen but I'm very ready to make Alex legally ours. Our caseworker dropped quite a bombshell on us yesterday--instead of termination, they are filing for another six months simply because his bio dad hasn't signed consent papers and therefore hasn't done some evaluations. This man ALWAYS resurfaces right before court, spews out his desires/wishes and then disappears failing to meet the minimum requirements. I love being a foster parent, I just HATE the system!! It's very broken and I can honestly say that most times they don't have the child's best interest at heart, it's more about protecting their butt in case of getting sued. It's in moments like these that I'm very tired of God asking me to do hard. I know ultimately He will help me through whatever occurs but in my flesh, I'm angry and I feel like quitting the hard stuff. I went into foster care knowing this would be heartbreaking at times and it definitely doesn't disappoint in that area, but there is no way to fully prepare the heart. I've tried very hard not to let my mind wander towards Alex's future because I didn't know if I would be a part of it or not, but since there has been complete silence from both bio parents since September I started to allow my mind wander. Mark and I have picked out his middle name with the expectation of being able to adopt. I can't fully put into words how difficult this news has hit us, it's beyond heartbreaking. It's amazing how quickly I can go from one end of the emotional spectrum to the opposite end in minutes. I'm choosing to trust God in this matter and desperately trying not to rely on my feelings at the moment. I know God is in complete control despite how the circumstances appear. I'm SO angry and the tears just keep coming today. I love this boy SO much! Part of me wants to lay into his bio dad at court tomorrow and tell him exactly what I think of him, the other part of me feels like begging him to stop fighting and let us adopt. I'm thankful court isn't today because I don't feel like being Christ-like to this man. I'm an emotional mess, very confused, and really needing to see God in some practical ways in the next few days. Please pray for me and for this messed up system!