Psalm 127

Mark and I have been listening to a sermon series about building a home God's way and the timing as usual has been perfect. You know how at times different bible verses stick out and become alive, well Psalm 127 really stuck out for me. I've been wanting a verse that will be my family's core and I found it. "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain." Psalm 127: 1. Lets be honest, depending on God for stuff is usually uncomfortable, it's fabulous for our relationship with Him but we never really choose this path. Right now I'm not enjoying depending on God to build my family, I want all the details now and I want to know how many kids will be permanently mine now. But God knows I'm not ready for all the details and deep down I know I'm not ready either. I was reflecting this morning on how I learned to live in the moment pretty well while I was in treatment and how little by little some of my bad habits have returned. I still savor so many moments with the kids and live in the moment but I also spend a good deal of time focusing on the future. You know what, the time I spend worrying about my future robs me of my time today. The bible often talks about how we can't be double-minded individuals, we can but we drive ourselves crazy living that way. I'm driving myself crazy, I love little E so much and I waited a long time for her, yet I can't control either of our future. I want to keep her and yet I really like her parents and when I'm with them, I find myself encouraging them to stay the course, do the right thing. It's an odd place emotionally to be! So this study has smacked me right between the eyes, am I trying to build MY family or am I allowing God to build it in His own time frame as He sees fit? The second part to this verse that really got to me was being the "watchmen" as I can be overprotective. Am I going to let God protect the kids or am I going to drive myself crazy and everyone around me crazy doing things that only make me feel safer for a short period of time. Safety is fleeting if you don't place everything you love in the hands of the ONLY one who can truly keep them safe. So this is my family's verse as only God can build my family when He sees fit, how He sees fit. Everyday I'm trying to start the day with an open hand to God rather than clenched fists. I truly understand that children are a gift and a blessing and to be honest, sometimes I find myself believing that after everything I've gone through I deserve many blessings. However, this thinking is false, I don't deserve anything really. The fact that God continues to give me cancer-free breaths should be enough. I really hate that sometimes I've become an entitled spoiled brat with God and I'm thankful He is extremely patient with me in this area. Anyway, I'm thinking of how I can physically put this verse up in our home as my daily reminder.

Just one of those days....

I have come to HATE the foster care system as it is beyond broken. Honestly, if I wasn't a Christian I would quit foster care because there are so many times that it feels like we aren't doing much to help these kids. But I know that God is in full control and only He can truly protect these little ones. I am having a difficult day, the type of day that I'm praying the entire day, praying to help my areas of unbelief. I won't go into the details of little E's case but I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that she will most likely go home in the next couple of months. I wish I could protect my heart for the heartache that is most likely coming but with kids I'm all in right from the start. I SO want to adopt this little girl, heck, we are STILL trying to adopt Alex yet. I have been thinking a lot lately about how I wish there was an easy button I could push at different times of my life. I've thought a lot about adoption and some days to be honest, I want to quit foster care and simply adopt. To have something known right from the start, something secure, but even on the worst days emotionally, I can't quit. I don't feel called to leave foster care yet for one and the thought of leaving kids that desperately need a safe, loving home.....I can't quit. I want a forever family of my own so badly and the truth is that today I'm not liking the fact that it is completely out of my control. People have asked how long will we do foster care and I half jokingly tell them until we have our own baseball team. :) Today, I would love to ask God why He closed the door on my having biological children, why it's so darn hard to be able to keep the kids that come into our home. I really want to learn to be content and simply enjoy the time that I have with little E instead of focusing on the fear of her being gone. I know God will give me what I need if she goes but I'm honestly afraid of what that whole process may look/feel like. In some ways when these kids leave our home it's like a death because for one, they rarely go into a good situation and two, we don't see or hear about them again. My heart aches for kids that I get to keep permanently and my heart aches for how difficult this process is for me while completely unfit, dysfunctional people can have kids without even thinking about it. This is one of those days that even though I am saying God is trustworthy, He is good, and He is in complete control...I don't understand why some things have turned out the way that they have. Please pray for me in the next several weeks as this may be a bumpy time. Pray for little E, for her safety.