Just one of those days....

I have come to HATE the foster care system as it is beyond broken. Honestly, if I wasn't a Christian I would quit foster care because there are so many times that it feels like we aren't doing much to help these kids. But I know that God is in full control and only He can truly protect these little ones. I am having a difficult day, the type of day that I'm praying the entire day, praying to help my areas of unbelief. I won't go into the details of little E's case but I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that she will most likely go home in the next couple of months. I wish I could protect my heart for the heartache that is most likely coming but with kids I'm all in right from the start. I SO want to adopt this little girl, heck, we are STILL trying to adopt Alex yet. I have been thinking a lot lately about how I wish there was an easy button I could push at different times of my life. I've thought a lot about adoption and some days to be honest, I want to quit foster care and simply adopt. To have something known right from the start, something secure, but even on the worst days emotionally, I can't quit. I don't feel called to leave foster care yet for one and the thought of leaving kids that desperately need a safe, loving home.....I can't quit. I want a forever family of my own so badly and the truth is that today I'm not liking the fact that it is completely out of my control. People have asked how long will we do foster care and I half jokingly tell them until we have our own baseball team. :) Today, I would love to ask God why He closed the door on my having biological children, why it's so darn hard to be able to keep the kids that come into our home. I really want to learn to be content and simply enjoy the time that I have with little E instead of focusing on the fear of her being gone. I know God will give me what I need if she goes but I'm honestly afraid of what that whole process may look/feel like. In some ways when these kids leave our home it's like a death because for one, they rarely go into a good situation and two, we don't see or hear about them again. My heart aches for kids that I get to keep permanently and my heart aches for how difficult this process is for me while completely unfit, dysfunctional people can have kids without even thinking about it. This is one of those days that even though I am saying God is trustworthy, He is good, and He is in complete control...I don't understand why some things have turned out the way that they have. Please pray for me in the next several weeks as this may be a bumpy time. Pray for little E, for her safety.