Jezebel

I get a three week break between radiation and returning to chemo, I'm very excited! Mark and I have been planning to head to AZ to see my family as this is the time to see my nieces. I find kids and animals to be so therapeutic. I think one of the hardest parts of chemo is trying to avoid kids as they can potentially carry such bad germs. Because I get one shot at an aggressive treatment, it's best that nothing delay any part of treatment. I haven't seen my nieces in about a year and even though I talk with them on the phone, there's nothing like getting to squeeze them in person. However, our plans have been put on hold as Jez started to get sick on Tuesday. I know I've said it before, my dogs are my kids! Ten (almost 11) years ago I went to a breeder to pick out a mini schnauzer but this breeder had two sisters left and I couldn't break them up. I can always tell those who go to church because they always ask why in the world I would name my dog Jezebel. :) My sister and I were in college and I wanted to pick biblical names for my dogs, I picked out Grace for the one and she picked out Jezebel. Also, Jez was quite the trouble-maker from day one, into everything so the name fit. Anyway, because they are getting up there in dog years anytime they get sick it worries me, however, Jez has a special concern attached anytime she gets sick. Last year she was found to have cancer of the spleen (which sits right next to the liver), they removed the spleen and told us it was an aggressive cancer and had more than likely spread microscopic cancer cells to the liver. It didn't look good and I started praying for more time. She has done far better than anything the vet had hoped for! When I was diagnosed with cancer several months later and then found out I too had an aggressive type, I've often thought of our ordeal with Jez and that with God anything is possible. Sometimes I wonder if God used the experience with Jez to prepare me for my own battle as she is my constant reminder of hope. So on Tuesday night when she was having hourly explosive diarrhea, I started worrying that this was the beginning of the end. I was fairly sure her cancer was back and angry at the timing of this new trial. I have been praying that both dogs make it through my treatment from day one as I just can't bear another loss right now. I have to say that I feel like Satan has been full on attacking us for over a year and I'm weary. Sometimes it feels like God's hedge of protection isn't there and I know I shouldn't trust my feelings but this one has been hard to shake at times. So again Tuesday night, all my issues with God came to the forefront as I was angry and full of questions and tears. By Wednesday morning, I really didn't feel much like celebrating my final radiation day because I was finishing one battle just to replace it with another. Again, I'm thankful for the prayers of others as I was struggling to pray. She actually started to perk up a bit yesterday night but I was trying to keep my hopes in check this morning on the way to the vet. I'm tired of bad news and was trying to prepare myself for whatever was coming. Her blood tests came back good and the vet doesn't believe this is related to cancer, so the plan is to treat her conservatively for now. The hope is that she will continue to respond well and we can still head to AZ. Before we left, the vet (this wasn't our usual MD) told us that his dog had the exact same cancer and he removed his dog's spleen the same day he felt the tumor. I asked if his dog was doing well too and was floored when he responded "she died a month later." As we drove home, I felt convicted of yet again accusing God of not being good because things weren't going as I had hoped. Jez isn't out of the woods yet, we don't know if she will respond to the meds and make a full recovery. No matter what happens, I'm trying to simply be thankful for this extra year with her because God didn't have to give me this extra time. Isn't it amazing how quickly our perspective can change?

This picture is truly Jez--whenever Mark eats, she is his faithful companion!

Radiation complete

I am thrilled to report I finished radiation and looking forward to my new found freedom tomorrow! I was given a graduation certificate and got to ring the bell, it was a satisfying moment. While laying on the table for the last time, I couldn't help but go over the many ways God has protected me and made this part of treatment manageable. I had been SO terrified of radiation and dreaded this part of treatment from the first time I was told it was needed. I really feel like this part of treatment has been a faith walk and God has once again showed me that He was not only present throughout, but in control the whole time. This whole cancer journey has been an experience I'm sure I will always draw on when fears pop up as God has come through for me SO many times! I'm still battling all kinds of fears but I'm learning to take steps forward in spite of the fear and not let my fears totally consume me. Don't get me wrong, I still have plenty of freak outs, tears, and what-are-you-doing-God moments. I'm beyond relieved to know that this part of treatment is over! I will see Dr Monroe in three months for follow-up and once I've completely finished treatment, I will start having CTs every 3-4 months.

I also got the results from my genetic testing and I do NOT have any mutations for Lynch Syndrome! Praise God!! I'm a "medical mystery" for a couple of reasons and for the first time yesterday I was ok with that news. Some things simply aren't answered in this lifetime.

Mark and I went to the Cancer Survivor dinner Tuesday night sponsored by The American Cancer Society, it was nice. We sat at a table with a German women who has battled breast cancer twice (and won) and her daughter who has battled uterine cancer (and won). They had a motivational speaker who Mark and I found for lack of a better word unmotivated. He was one of those you-create-your-own-destiny-with-the-power-of-positive-thinking types and not that I don't believe in positive thinking, I just don't believe that I control my destiny. I believe that God is in control and everything happens for a reason. I came away from the dinner with a greater appreciation for my relationship with Christ because I can't imagine doing cancer without God. It's interesting because I'm still working through different issues--there's still some anger and I'm not at the point of saying all that God has allowed is good, BUT I'm grateful He is in control of my situation and I'm really leaning on some of His promises like never before. There is some excitement for what's on the other side of this because I know cancer happened to me for a reason and I can't wait to see the good that will come out of it. I came away from the dinner wondering how can someone with cancer truly have hope if they don't have God? Honestly, I'm slowly learning that I'd rather have God than my uterus, or kids, or my life plans. Only God can take my losses and turn them into something better than I had ever imagined or hoped for....THAT'S hope!

I am two-thirds of the way through treatment with only 3 more cycles of chemo to go! :)

Adjustment

Let me explain these pics because I know the color isn't me. Mark went with me to radiation and the wig salon was open and he had never been in there, so we checked it out and I came home with two new wigs. I now have another blonde wig similar to my Meg Ryan wig but with less curl and then this long auburn one. We picked it because this is my chance to have long hair as I've never been able to have decent looking long hair. Now I can braid this and do all the things I've wanted to do that just wouldn't work with my own hair. This is the bonus side to chemo, you can change your look as often as you like. All Mark can say about this look is that it's "wild." In case anyone is keeping track of all my wigs, I'm returning the short red one from my makeover. A girl can only have so many looks to choose from!

This weekend was a mixed bag type of weekend. I did not sleep well Friday night as menopause has really begun and I was having night sweats, so woke up Saturday morning fairly angry about the whole situation. I was a bit surprised by my own attitude as I knew this was coming, and yet some days the reality of what's taking place is too much. I know I shouldn't keep complaining about how unfair this is as some people have situations much worse and yet maintain a positive outlook....I'm praying about it all, I don't want to remain bitter. I should say that so far menopause hasn't been horrible, I have warm flushes during the day (that's what they are like for me at this point), and I'm feeling more stable emotionally again. This may just be the beginning but I'm praying that the transition will continue to go smoothly. I'm just thankful that the majority of radiation is done before menopause started setting in, that would have been too much to deal with all at once! The other thing that really bothered me this weekend was the fatigue factor, it's pretty severe towards the end of the week. Each week my "team" asks me to rate my fatigue and I've told them this is worse than chemo, I'd take chemo any day of the week instead of radiation. I've been told this is an "unusual" response as most people feel better on radiation. At this point, I simply have to laugh and say that I'm the problem child of the cancer center. Today I asked how quickly the fatigue will dissipate once I finish radiation and was told anywhere from several months to a year! I'm praying I'm abnormal on this too, that my energy levels will come back much faster than anyone expects. I'd like to be on the good side of abnormal for a change now! Anyway, just as I was perfecting my pity-party Sunday came around and my energy levels returned, plus I slept a sweat-free night. I'm always being reminded to hang in there, that things can totally change for the better given some time.
I have seven more days of radiation and I couldn't be more excited. The radiation machine broke last week so I had a day off which came at the perfect time. Unfortunately they tacked one additional day at the end of my previous schedule to make up for the missed day. I was more than willing to totally let that day go but they want me to get my moneys worth. I have a lot of fears about what will happen once radiation is over because this is a time where the body tries to repair the cells that were damaged. It sounds like a good thing but bad things can happen in the process, things like bowel obstruction. I hate these unknowns and yet there's not much I can do about it. I wish my faith muscle would grow overnight!
I'm debating on whether or not to ask about my platelet counts as I'm bruising everywhere and we are talking BIG bruises. I'm sure they aren't super low but they must be on low side, plus I'm taking an aspirin daily. While I want to know where my numbers are at, I don't want to get poked. We shall see which side wins out this week.

Genetic counseling

Met with my genetic counselor today and found I wasn't as anxious as I thought I would be. The short story is that so far I'm a medical mystery as our family tree is fairly "boring" and in the genetic world that's a great thing. It's boring until me, I mean if you look at the risk factors and my family tree, I shouldn't have cancer. They are going to test me for Lynch Syndrome as that's really the only thing right now that could be a possibility. This is a genetic mutation that means you are more prone to uterine, colon, ovarian, and I think stomach cancer. They are sending some of my tumor cells off to a special lab and if they find any of the four possible genetic mutations, then I will have further blood tests. I hope I don't have Lynch Syndrome and yet if I test negative for that, then why do I have this cancer in the first place? I may never get that answered but I'm at least going to try. Anyway, I should get some more answers in about 10 days.

I'm starting to get a bit anxious before each radiation treatment now and I'm really trying to keep that in check. I find myself laying on that table and praying about my attitude towards this part of treatment as it's not the greatest. I'm trying to remind myself of the things I'm thankful for about radiation so that hopefully I stop grumbling about it. I'm sure Mark is tired of hearing how much I hate this and wish I could simply quit. I had a minor scare today--while getting the second pass of radiation the machine suddenly stopped, then started again for a few inches, then stopped. I had been told last week the machine was being grumpy and while I don't really know what that means, that just can't be a good thing. Each time the machine stopped my heart skipped a few beats and the "what if" queen that I am went through many case scenarios of what could possibly go wrong. That created a quick attitude adjustment right there, I was thankful to finish out the treatment without the machine doing something it shouldn't! Anyway, it doesn't help that this last part of treatment the side effects are more noticeable and that's just the way it goes. I think the side effects add to my fears because I'm worried about what this means for me in the future. My bladder is definitely irritated and while this is a "normal" part of treatment I'm really concerned that this may mean I'll get bladder cancer in the future. I'm finding that I'm not very good at living in the present, I tend to live in the past or focus on the future and it's no wonder I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world sometimes. God simply wants me to live for today. I wish heart knowledge was as easy as head knowledge!

On the hair front, I've been shaving my head as I don't want to go through losing it twice. I'm actually back to shaving again which is pretty exciting and I never thought I'd say that. Plus, my eyelashes and eyebrows are growing back, it's an exciting time around here where hair is concerned. I'm trying not to get too attached to all my new growth as I'll lose again once chemo starts but for now, it's just great to see parts of my body function the way it did pre-cancer. It's kinda crazy the things I appreciate now. :)