Genetic counseling

Met with my genetic counselor today and found I wasn't as anxious as I thought I would be. The short story is that so far I'm a medical mystery as our family tree is fairly "boring" and in the genetic world that's a great thing. It's boring until me, I mean if you look at the risk factors and my family tree, I shouldn't have cancer. They are going to test me for Lynch Syndrome as that's really the only thing right now that could be a possibility. This is a genetic mutation that means you are more prone to uterine, colon, ovarian, and I think stomach cancer. They are sending some of my tumor cells off to a special lab and if they find any of the four possible genetic mutations, then I will have further blood tests. I hope I don't have Lynch Syndrome and yet if I test negative for that, then why do I have this cancer in the first place? I may never get that answered but I'm at least going to try. Anyway, I should get some more answers in about 10 days.

I'm starting to get a bit anxious before each radiation treatment now and I'm really trying to keep that in check. I find myself laying on that table and praying about my attitude towards this part of treatment as it's not the greatest. I'm trying to remind myself of the things I'm thankful for about radiation so that hopefully I stop grumbling about it. I'm sure Mark is tired of hearing how much I hate this and wish I could simply quit. I had a minor scare today--while getting the second pass of radiation the machine suddenly stopped, then started again for a few inches, then stopped. I had been told last week the machine was being grumpy and while I don't really know what that means, that just can't be a good thing. Each time the machine stopped my heart skipped a few beats and the "what if" queen that I am went through many case scenarios of what could possibly go wrong. That created a quick attitude adjustment right there, I was thankful to finish out the treatment without the machine doing something it shouldn't! Anyway, it doesn't help that this last part of treatment the side effects are more noticeable and that's just the way it goes. I think the side effects add to my fears because I'm worried about what this means for me in the future. My bladder is definitely irritated and while this is a "normal" part of treatment I'm really concerned that this may mean I'll get bladder cancer in the future. I'm finding that I'm not very good at living in the present, I tend to live in the past or focus on the future and it's no wonder I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world sometimes. God simply wants me to live for today. I wish heart knowledge was as easy as head knowledge!

On the hair front, I've been shaving my head as I don't want to go through losing it twice. I'm actually back to shaving again which is pretty exciting and I never thought I'd say that. Plus, my eyelashes and eyebrows are growing back, it's an exciting time around here where hair is concerned. I'm trying not to get too attached to all my new growth as I'll lose again once chemo starts but for now, it's just great to see parts of my body function the way it did pre-cancer. It's kinda crazy the things I appreciate now. :)