emotional chaos

I've really been struggling these last few days and I'm not sure if this is just part of the spiritual battle, or I'm starting to process some of the losses, or I'm simply tired of treatment, or a mixture of everything. I'm definitely angry and I know I shouldn't be as God has already done so many wonderful things for me, but I'm still angry with this hand I've been dealt. I know it's my choice to either get better or get bitter and I'm waffling between the two depending on the day. I think the fact that I won't have biological children is starting to set in and I'm dealing with pieces of it at a time. There are so many losses that occurred so quickly and with all the fears and prepping for treatment, I just couldn't deal with all the emotions. Fear over the unknowns of treatment outweighed dealing with all that had just happened. Maybe some of the emotions I stuffed away are starting to surface,which is good. I think I'm starting the whole menopause process too as my skin is VERY dry and many times I feel like crying with no good reason. The day is going well and all of a sudden there are tears, I feel a bit like a crazy person these days. It's extremely frustrating to not be able to control (or explain) my emotions, it gets added to the list of things I can't control.
I know I need radiation and so on the one hand I'm thankful to be able to forge forward, on the other hand I truly hate it! I hate doing this to my body and I'm scared of the damage it is causing. I guess what's really bothering me is that this would be worth it if I knew this is what it takes to become cancer-free. I'm afraid I'm going through all these motions, damaging my body in the process and in the end I'll find this didn't eradicate the cancer. What then? I'm not doing radiation for this ever again!
Mark has been doing a lot around the house as I'm just so tired lately. I feel like all I do these days is eat, sleep, and go to treatment. I'm SO thankful to have the next three days off, I really need it!