This is my last weekend before starting radiation and I'm nervous but really trying to make sure my fears don't get the best of me. I've been trying to quote different scriptures each time I'm aware of a fear popping up and that seems to help me keep things in check. I'm such a "what if" person that these unknowns drive me crazy and while this isn't getting any easier, I guess I'm learning to keep the "what ifs" in check and not get so carried away. I'm actually trying to enjoy these last few days instead of letting my fears rob me of appreciating where I'm currently at. Have you ever noticed how fears actually take from you than help prepare you for what is ahead? I really wish someone could tell me how I will react to radiation and exactly when to expect this or that but that's not how it works. It's one step and day at a time. I'm totally giving this portion of treatment to God and praying that the side effects and menopause symptoms will be very minimal. There is so much out of my control but I'm doing what I can to prevent symptoms from even starting. I've started probiotics in the hope that my bowels won't be too interrupted and hopefully this offers some protection as well. My diet will have to REALLY change with radiation as they recommend you don't eat much fiber. My diet is fiber-filled so I'm trying to find ways to eat somewhat healthy in spite of all of this. In the meantime, I've been eating tons of salad and popcorn as that's what I love and know I will miss the most. I have been craving coffee something bad lately and finally made a pot today, it is wonderful!! I know I won't be able to drink it with radiation, so hopefully I'll get my fill of it this weekend to last me for awhile. I've talked so much about the negative things about radiation but there are some perks to it believe it or not. Radiation does not affect my blood counts, so I won't have to be so careful about being around sick people and I won't have to get weekly blood tests. Also, my hair will start to grow back while I'm off of chemo. However, I'm not going to let it grow back just to have it all fall out again, so I'll be shaving my head throughout this process. I have to say that I have REALLY enjoyed not shaving and it will be weird to start doing that again. It looks like I may keep some eyelashes throughout this whole ordeal and I'm very happy about that, they have definitely thinned but I've still got some. I tried putting on the fake eyelashes and I'm not sure how people wear them, it felt odd and let me just say it's not that easy to put on yourself! I won't give up on this that easily but I'm seriously hoping some of my lashes come back while I'm doing radiation. I honestly can't believe it's time for this portion of treatment, it's something I have dreaded and feared and I'm about to walk through it. Part of me wishes I could back out of this, but another part of me wants to get this over with because I'll be that much closer to being done!
Grace continues to improve which I'm thankful for. We are not out of the woods as she had aspirated some fluid into her lungs (don't remember if I mentioned that before), it's going to be a slow process. I can definitely say one of my life lessons lately is in patience!
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