Baby steps

I've been a Christian for many years but through this recent season of trials I am learning all kinds of things about myself and about God. In my honest moments, I am a doubting Thomas and my faith is similar to a baby Christian--I hate to admit it and wish I were further along but that's where I'm at. I've been studying Habakkuk lately because lets face it, I relate to that prophet in many ways and I've been asking similar questions. It's good to know that I can be angry with God and He doesn't leave in frustration or disgust. God simply wants me to be honest because you can't work on something you don't acknowledge or become aware of. Over the last few years I have been struggling with the goodness of God...in every circumstance and situation. I know that God is good but sometimes it doesn't FEEL like what He is doing/allowing is good. There are some circumstances in my life that I can't wrap my mind/heart or both around the fact that in those situations God was good and allowing them to occur was for my good. I don't see the good no matter how hard I search and so that allows doubt and fear to interfere in my relationship with the Lord. It's not a good thing and I know that but how do I change this? Well, this whole ordeal with Grace has been VERY upsetting for me, I wasn't getting much sleep and eating wasn't exactly on the top of my priority list. I was exhausted in every way possible and it truly felt like God had taken His hands off of me (I know He hadn't but the feelings were so real). I had decided that there was no way I could go forward with radiation treatment and take care of Grace, it would truly be too much! I decided to put my treatment on hold until things with Grace were resolved. Practically every test the vets could run showed no definite diagnosis (although the belief is pancreatitis) and they tried a variety of treatments, nothing seemed to be working. This has been such an odd circumstance that I would have to call it spiritual warfare as nothing made sense and it came out of nowhere. I started praying, asking that God show up right now and that He reveal whatever lesson I need to learn because I am running out of time. Have you ever been to such a helpless place that either God is going to show up and show up big or everything will rapidly fall apart? That's where I've been at these last few days and it's such an uncomfortable place to be....until God shows up! On Saturday night, I decided to bring Grace home from the animal ICU as nothing they were doing was working and I simply wanted her to be comfortable in her own bed/surroundings. I was given strict instructions to give her 1/4 cup of water an hour and if she kept it down, she could continue to get another 1/4 cup of water and so on. After several days of only being on IV fluids she was desperate for water and the little amount she was getting didn't satisfy her in the slightest. She constantly checked each water spot in the house and would sit below the counter where her water bowls sat. I found her at times sitting next to the toilets and searching the showers for water. It was very difficult to watch and not simply give her what she wanted. That's when God spoke to me! He showed me that from Grace's perspective withholding water was cruel but by causing her some discomfort now, I was doing what was best for her in the long run. What I was doing was good but it was not going to feel good to her at that moment. I keep looking at my circumstances and with my limited knowledge tell God this isn't good, what you are doing is not good, and make judgements about God that He does not deserve. I'm starting to understand that God IS good all the time even when what He allows does not feel good.

I'm very happy to report that Grace is taking baby steps towards recovery. It started with her keeping water and meds down, then she started sleeping (last night was our first night of full sleep), and now she's taking in small amounts of food. We have a ways to go but each day I'm seeing more of her personality. When I had no where else to go I placed my full weight on God and little by little He is showing me that He is trustworthy. I start radiation treatments on Monday, this lesson came just in time as I head into more unknowns.

p.s. For those that have been praying for Grace--THANK YOU!! It's only by God's grace that she is doing better!