Anxious

I LOVE having the weekends off from radiation and am finding myself a bit anxious about going back tomorrow. I think part of the anxiety is that I've got to renew my ACLS license so the day will be a full one with radiation in the morning, followed by a five hour class in the afternoon. This class will be filled with memorial employees only and the bulk of them from ICU/CCU.....all of whom I haven't seen since before the cancer diagnosis. In some ways, I look forward to seeing people I haven't seen in several months. However, I don't look forward to explaining why I haven't been working in their department and about the obvious hair change. Some days I don't mind sharing my story and other days I don't want to go into it, today I'm feeling like not sharing and hoping tomorrow is different. Plus, depending on how things go tomorrow, I may have to talk with the instructor (whom I know) to give her a heads up on why I have to leave the room so often. One of the side effects from radiation is that your bladder becomes irritated meaning you have to urinate frequently....and you just can't wait! While my IBS is much better, I'm still making frequent bathroom trips for that as well. I can't wait for tomorrow to be over with and really wish I had gotten this class out of the way before radiation began. Oh well, it is what it is. I think the other part of the anxiety is that each week is a waiting game. Tomorrow is day 10 when I'm "supposed" to start expecting side effects so I wonder exactly what that will mean. I'm wondering when is my ovary supposed to die and menopause to start. And I guess if I'm honest I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, for everything to suddenly become overwhelming or for all my fears to come true all at once. I know this isn't the most optimistic attitude but it's an honest account of this emotional roller coaster. One day things are going really well and the next day feels like I'm never going to make it. Thankfully on the bad days I know that "this too shall pass" and tomorrow may be totally different. All I know is that when I've completed radiation I am having a mini-celebration at Souper Salad.

On the hair-front, I am starting to grow blonde peach fuzz. I planned on shaving my head throughout radiation because I don't want to go through the whole falling out phase again when chemo starts, but I didn't expect to be this excited to see hair on my head. It's so soft that I can't stop rubbing my head, I love it. :) I'll take it day by day for now and if I actually let it grow enough, I'll take a pic and post it. I have officially placed my hair order to God--I would love thick, blonde, curly hair, but I'll take whatever He chooses to give me too.