Halfway point

Today is my halfway point through radiation AND overall treatment!!!!! I seriously can't wait for all of this to be done and very excited to be done with radiation. I remember sitting in one of Dr P's exam rooms to find out what stage my cancer was asking if he had good news for me this time because I was overdue. When he told me he didn't have good news I wasn't too concerned because I had prepared myself for the cancer to have spread to a fallopian tube or ovary at the worst. I remember hearing the words lymph node and that's when everything came to a screeching halt, my mind simply couldn't work fast enough to compute the rest of what I was hearing. It was so overwhelming and while Dr P was trying to sell me on the next six months of treatment, I was busy calculating all the changes that would occur. In many ways it seems like just a few weeks have gone by since that day and in other ways, it feels like a lifetime ago.
I got a Souper Salad coupon in the mail yesterday, it must be a sign! :)

Everything went well with ACLS and it was very nice to see co-workers I haven't seen in several months. They loved the hair changes (Meg Ryan wig) and were quite shocked when I explained what I've been up to lately. I could tell it was one of those too-close-to-home moments because for some reason, those of us in the medical field tend to believe these types of things won't happen to us, or we will recognize the symptoms before it gets too far. Then a co-worker becomes ill or becomes our patient and it rocks our world. I don't know why we do this. I have to say too, that I wonder what people expect me to look like with stage 3 cancer because I always hear how good I look, so it makes me wonder how am I supposed to look? I think people hear stage 3 or 4 cancer and they expect you to look like you're on your death bed (I used to think that) but with all the medical advances, you can look fairly normal I guess. Anyway, I realized how much I miss ICU and I can't wait to get back into that stressful world again! Something to work towards I suppose. I held up very well through Monday, thank you for all the prayers. I crashed on Tuesday and spent most of the day on the couch exhausted, it's amazing how fatigued I am with radiation.
Picked up a copy of my last chemo cycle blood test results and was shocked to see my WBC count fall below the "normal" range, it was barely below but still! Anytime I look at my paper results whether it's blood or pathology reports, it doesn't seem to fully register that it's ME they are talking about. There's a disconnect there and it's weird, I guess I'm still struggling with how this could have happened in the first place. I suppose I want answers and maybe God will never reveal them to me and if that's the case, I think I'll be OK with that. I'm scheduled for genetic counseling next week to see if there is some genetic mutation and if so, what other cancers am I more likely to get. To be honest, I have mixed feelings about doing this but I know it's wise not only for me but for my family as well. The theory is that if I find a genetic mutation and know I'm prone to other certain cancers, I can be more proactive in trying to prevent them. I guess I'm afraid that these test results will bring more fear into my life that I don't need, and yet I know that to a certain degree what I do with fear is a choice. So for now, I'm feeling the fear and walking through it anyway. I have a feeling I'm going to be learning a lot about fear and trust over the next few years.