Drained

This week has been HORRIBLE and started Saturday night with Grace getting sick. I've been to the animal ER twice and made daily trips to the vet starting with Monday. I haven't gotten a full night of sleep since Friday and I'm exhausted in every way possible. This week was going to be a challenge without the added dog stress because I was scheduled to work several days plus get the simulation done. With all that has been going on with Grace, I've had to cancel two of the three shifts and it's beginning to look as though I will be cancelling the third as well. I am a major dog person and grew up with our dogs being part of the family. My dogs are very important to me and I got them during a difficult time in my life. They helped me learn to take care of myself at a time that I wasn't because I knew that they were counting on me. Grace is my "buddy" as I call her because she follows me everywhere and whenever I've been sick, she sticks by my side until I'm better. When I had the blood clot I basically stayed in bed all day until Mark came home and was unable to feed them as my head hurt so badly, Grace stayed with me licking my face and snuggling next to me. Since starting treatment, Grace has continued to be my buddy and on the bad days she stays close by. It has been very difficult for me to watch her be sick and not be able to help her much. The verdict is still out on what is making her so sick but hopefully I can bring her home tonight.

The simulation went pretty well and was much faster than I expected. Placing the markers was uncomfortable but compared to everything else I've gone through, it was a piece of cake. The tech running the CT used to work for Memorial and knew I was a nurse, so took time after everything was finished to show me the films and point out where everything was at. I've always struggled to read CTs or MRIs so I really appreciated him taking the time. I went in to the test with a VERY full bladder because I wasn't sure how much I needed to drink to fill my bladder. I've heard from other women that there is always a fine balance between going in with a full bladder and feeling like you have to explode while waiting for them to finish radiation. Anyway, I received a call from the hospital this morning to say I need to repeat the test as my bladder was way too full and they are not comfortable mapping my treatment based on this CT. UGH! The test is not difficult but I'm so overwhelmed this week as it is and exhausted that I've asked this be done next week. I have to say that I'm really struggling with God these last few days. I have been telling him so much this week that I can't handle anything else, my plate is extremely full! God doesn't seem to hear me as more crap gets dumped on my already full plate. I don't understand what this season of trials is all about, I mean I know I'm supposed to be learning things (and I am) but it feels like God is trying to completely break me. No matter how many times I tell Him "I'm broken, you can stop now," there continues to be new issues, more stress, and I'm very very tired. Honestly, I feel like giving up and maybe that's the exhaustion talking. If I didn't already have the markers and tattoos done at this point, I would probably say NO to radiation, finish out the remaining chemo and let things fall where they may. I'm tired of hospital waiting rooms (for humans and animals), I'm tired of tests and being poked, and I'm tired of the constant unknowns and underlying fears.....these things really take there toll! Needless to say, this has not been a good week and I continue to wait for answers..........