Fear vs Faith

I've always struggled with trusting God, it's difficult to admit because I should be past this point but it's where I'm still at. I tend to view God as a cosmic cop and I'm always waiting for Him to pull the rug out from under my feet. The rug, so to speak has been pulled out many many times in the last few years and I'm tired. With all that has been going on and being able to see God's hand on me and over my treatment, I guess I thought I had grown a bit in this department....until today. I spent the day in prayer laying a big concern at His feet and not totally realizing that I'd picked that concern right back up once the conversation was over. I'm a planner and want to be prepared for everything which of course is not only impossible but exhausting, and I know God never meant for me to live that way but it is SO hard to stop. What's that saying again, "doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is the definition of insanity." Anyway, towards the end of today I was an emotional wreck as I realized I still do not trust God. I pray for what I hope to happen and then spend a great deal of time fearing that God will give me the exact opposite. God answered my prayer today, in fact, things turned out better than I had prayed but even after hearing that news I was a tearful mess. This distrust is exhausting and I'm exhausted. What is it going to take for me to fully trust God? I do not want to be this way and yet I really don't know how not to. I've read many books on faith and trusting God, I've talked to others who have gone through horrible ordeals and still trust God, all in the hope that I would find the answers I'm searching for. I know faith is a choice, it's not a feeling (and that's only something I truly learned in the last couple of years) but I still struggle. I'm frustrated and discouraged by my lack of faith. Life doesn't have to be this hard and tiring and I know that, but it's not translating to my heart yet I guess. I wasted today on fear and I am exhausted because of it. Let me at least learn a little bit from this so as not to repeat it again tomorrow.

Did the blood test today and keeping my fingers crossed I do not hear from my MD. No news is great news in the oncology world.