Found out today that Mark's school is happy with the way he is running the autistic program and therefore want him to remain there. This is a huge answer to prayer for obvious reasons. I couldn't imagine him looking for a job this summer plus helping me with treatment, it would have been way too much!! As a teacher, March and April can be an unsettling time of the year as the school system can decide not to renew their contract with you for just about any reason. Normally, I've handled this stress ok but this year was different and yes, I freaked out some days. I'm sure this process would have been much easier had I trusted God but....
Then I got a call from my boss at the hospital to ask if I had received her email, which I had not. She had scheduled me to work a couple of days this week (which I didn't know about and therefore didn't) and this weekend. At first my heart sank because there is no way I could work that much right from the start, I want to ease back into things. Once my mind caught up with the conversation I realized these are 4 hr shifts and that is doable. I'm excited to step back into the hospital and NOT as a patient but as a nurse. I'm excited to have a purpose and to learn about an area of the hospital I have not worked with. I'm excited at the possibilities but to be honest I'm scared too. I'm scared that my cover will be blown and my patients will know that I'm sick. I want to be able to choose which patients I tell my story to. For some reason, I tend to think that if my patients know I'm sick, it will be a sign of weakness and who wants a weak nurse. It's funny because it's not like this is new territory for me, I mean I was diagnosed in Oct 09 and worked all the way up until surgery. It must be the hair subject again that is making me nervous because I've had cancer all along. I can't wait for the day I can wear a wig and not worry or think about it....that day can not come soon enough. I'm scared I won't have the energy to be a nurse. While that thought bothers me a lot I'm determined to try and fail than not try at all. I'm scared that I will relate too much to my patients (because I will be working with a lot of cancer patients) and therefore not be the best nurse I can be. Working in trauma and critical care areas, I have learned that there is a very fine balance between wearing your heart on your sleeve and keeping some distance in order to do the job you need to do. If I relate too much to my patients, it's going to be a struggle to do some of the procedures I need to do to give them the best chance even though I'm causing pain initially. I hope I find that balance between compassion and distance quickly. I'm sure working in this area will be a journey in and of itself. And lastly, I'm scared that I'm going to get sick because of all the germs I'm being exposed to. Working in a hospital is NOT the ideal situation while having a compromised immune system but it's what I do. When I talk with other cancer patients they think I'm crazy to do this and sometimes I too think I'm missing a few screws. BUT the way I live in the hospital setting and the way I live at home are very very different. I don't touch my face at work and I don't eat while charting or while doing anything nurse-like. I wash my hands all the time and while it's hard to describe, I'm just very aware of my surroundings and what I'm doing with my hands at all times. At home I don't think about it, I touch door knobs, keyboard, remotes etc. and don't always wash my hands before touching my face or getting something to eat. I've always told Mark, it's impossible to live at home like I live at the hospital so I need him to be as healthy as possible. Anyway, at least my blood counts are on their way back up and I never heard from my oncologist, so I'm not in danger this week. The good thing about working in this area of the hospital is that most patients are also battling their own germ warfare and so tend to not cough or sneeze in my face. The stories I could tell! :)
Well, I'm entering back into the workforce and I'm a bit stressed about it.....but I'm sure once I'm there everything will fall into place.
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