The last chemo

Well, I hope this is the last chemo I will ever have to do! I had increased my L-glutamine after the 5th cycle as the neuropathy was becoming bothersome and that seemed to help a great deal. Dr P and I decided to remain with the same chemo drugs for this last cycle and hope for the best neuropathy-wise. It actually went quite smoothly and I would say this last cycle could be summed up with the word exhausted. The neulasta shot barely made me feel bad this time around which honestly is a bit scary because it means overall that my body is too worn out to respond like it did in the beginning. I'm just hoping my blood counts hold up as they were low last time and I'm not willing to get a blood transfusion at this point. I've again increased my L-glutamine to the maximum amount because a day or two into this cycle the neuropathy was becoming even more bothersome and so far it has helped. I'm praying the neuropathy is temporary and time will let me know if this is permanent or not.
I haven't given the end of treatment a whole lot of thought in part because it's not over to me just yet. I've got another surgery in December to take out that remaining ovary and then it will feel more like I'm truly done. Maybe it's hard for others to understand but I can't get in the mind frame of "I'm done" until I'm a year or two out without any occurrences. I think it would be too devastating if I become too hopeful too soon. I'm guarded in my excitement and in my hope for the future. To be honest, I'm really trying to learn to be content with the here and now and to stop worrying so much about the future. I spend so much time and energy thinking about the next several steps ahead that I don't truly appreciate the things that are occurring at this moment. I want to be more like Paul in the bible, I want to be content with my situation no matter what that is... and that's hard for me.
I have to mention that so far I still have some eyebrows and eyelashes, thank you God! I hope I can keep them until everything starts to grow back, you tend to not look sick with eyebrows and eyelashes. :) I can't wait for my hair to grow back too because while I love not having to style my hair, wigs are quite hot when I'm having a hot flash! As soon as this chemo is out of my system, I'm going to experiment with herbs to see what works best for taming all the menopause symptoms. Dr P has made it very clear to me that I can't have hormones for at least a year and then we can re-talk about it all. I've been busy researching what might help hot flashes and insomnia since those are my biggest issues for now.

It's hard to articulate all that God has done for me since I started this journey. I have done VERY well through radiation and chemo and I have to give all the credit to God. He has truly protected me in so many ways! I know I have complained my way through treatment where I probably should have talked more about the ways God was helping me...what can I say, I'm flawed in many ways. As I look back from the very start of all of this, I can see God's hand over me. When I thought he was absent, I can now see just how close He was. I'm so thankful God is merciful and patient as I didn't handle things well in the very beginning of my diagnosis. God IS good all the time, even when I don't see or understand what He is doing.

The Bible alive.....

Character formation almost never comes easily, it's an uncomfortable and sometimes painful process. It's unfortunate that sometimes we don't press in to know God until a trials hits us head on and then the Bible and God becomes real in a whole new way. As Christians, sometimes we pray to know God better or for Him to take full control of our lives but do we really mean it or are we praying lip service? I've had a relationship with God for many years but I'm getting to know Him in a whole new and personal way this year. My faith was tried right after I was diagnosed with cancer and for a time, I honestly didn't know if I would get through this trial with my faith intact. I've been learning how some of my views and attitudes towards God are incorrect and through my cancer journey, God is slowly correcting those areas. In a trial we face our weakness head-on, sometimes that's the first opportunity to acknowledge the weakness, either way it's a humbling experience. It's no secret that one of my biggest struggles is in the area of trust, people are fallible, it's harder to admit that I struggle with trusting God. I know He is perfect and sovereign in my mind but the struggle is at heart level. As treatment comes to a close I'm cautiously happy, thrilled that I'm almost done with chemo, shots, and feeling crappy, cautious as we begin the waiting game to see if all of this has worked. I'm about to put faith to the test in a whole new way and that's both exciting and scary. I have a ton of fears that require time in the Word and with God to keep in check because I don't want to live in fear. I've been studying Psalm 25 lately which is a great passage in regards to trust and faith. I continue to see God move in spite of and especially within my fears, I KNOW He is close at all times and when I let that sink in, there is peace. I so hope I only have to walk this cancer journey once but I'm trying to trust that it's all in God's hands and He will do whatever is best for Mark and myself. Also, as treatment comes to a close, I really hope I'm not the same person that went into treatment. I hope I've allowed God to change me and that I'm truly living out the lessons I've been learning. It would be horrible to have cancer and be the exact same person at the end of this ordeal, I would have wasted an opportunity!

Psalm 27:1, 14
"The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid? Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Another addition

Our house has been very crazy lately as we added another puppy into the mix. I know it sounds crazy but Jackson wanted to play with our older dogs so badly and they want nothing to do with him, he needed a playmate. Cole has totally filled that void for Jackson and he helps me a great deal in the potty training department too. Needless to say, two puppies and two adult dogs equals a chaotic household. I'm finding that God is using this whole puppy training process to teach me a few things too, patience is one of those things. I dislike the learning process, I want to be patient and have all the Godly characteristics that I'm supposed to have right now. It seems the whole learning process is painful or uncomfortable at the least but I suppose I'll appreciate my lessons all the more when this is over. Everything important in life costs something.

My fifth chemo cycle went pretty well overall, it's somewhat of a blur to me as I was trying to make it through the day with Jackson alone as Mark has returned back to school. I've been slowly getting peripheral neuropathy which for me means some pins and needle type of feeling to my hands and feet but mostly, I'm experiencing a burning sensation in my hands and feet. This is not unusual as chemo tends to irritate nerve cells too, sometimes the neuropathy is temporary and sometimes it's permanent. I let Dr P's office know that this is progressively getting worse and they are thinking about switching one of my chemo drugs next time. The down side to this is that I would have to take a steroid for three days either prior to or after chemo ( I can't remember which) to offset swelling among other side effects from this new chemo drug. I'm not all that excited to take a new chemo and go through a whole new set of unknowns at this point but I don't want permanent neuropathy either. For now, I'm doubling my L-glutamine and praying that the neuropathy either improves or at the very least doesn't continue to progress at this point. I'll talk with Dr P more next week about my chemo options at this point and praying we both have the wisdom needed to make the best decision. I can't wait to be done with all of this!