Character formation almost never comes easily, it's an uncomfortable and sometimes painful process. It's unfortunate that sometimes we don't press in to know God until a trials hits us head on and then the Bible and God becomes real in a whole new way. As Christians, sometimes we pray to know God better or for Him to take full control of our lives but do we really mean it or are we praying lip service? I've had a relationship with God for many years but I'm getting to know Him in a whole new and personal way this year. My faith was tried right after I was diagnosed with cancer and for a time, I honestly didn't know if I would get through this trial with my faith intact. I've been learning how some of my views and attitudes towards God are incorrect and through my cancer journey, God is slowly correcting those areas. In a trial we face our weakness head-on, sometimes that's the first opportunity to acknowledge the weakness, either way it's a humbling experience. It's no secret that one of my biggest struggles is in the area of trust, people are fallible, it's harder to admit that I struggle with trusting God. I know He is perfect and sovereign in my mind but the struggle is at heart level. As treatment comes to a close I'm cautiously happy, thrilled that I'm almost done with chemo, shots, and feeling crappy, cautious as we begin the waiting game to see if all of this has worked. I'm about to put faith to the test in a whole new way and that's both exciting and scary. I have a ton of fears that require time in the Word and with God to keep in check because I don't want to live in fear. I've been studying Psalm 25 lately which is a great passage in regards to trust and faith. I continue to see God move in spite of and especially within my fears, I KNOW He is close at all times and when I let that sink in, there is peace. I so hope I only have to walk this cancer journey once but I'm trying to trust that it's all in God's hands and He will do whatever is best for Mark and myself. Also, as treatment comes to a close, I really hope I'm not the same person that went into treatment. I hope I've allowed God to change me and that I'm truly living out the lessons I've been learning. It would be horrible to have cancer and be the exact same person at the end of this ordeal, I would have wasted an opportunity!
Psalm 27:1, 14
"The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid? Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Thank you for sharing your spiritual/emotional/physical journey. I appreciate your frankness during such a difficult experience. As Breath of Heaven is playing, that best describes what you are to me. A Breath of Heaven...
ReplyDeleteBoth you and Mark have shown the maturity of your spiritual walk during this time. I am greatly humbled as the child(ren) teach the parent about the true walk with Christ.
One of my favorite memories is of decorating your Christmas tree last year. It was a REAL experience sharing the experience with you and Mark!
I love you, my very special daughter-in-law.