The last chemo

Well, I hope this is the last chemo I will ever have to do! I had increased my L-glutamine after the 5th cycle as the neuropathy was becoming bothersome and that seemed to help a great deal. Dr P and I decided to remain with the same chemo drugs for this last cycle and hope for the best neuropathy-wise. It actually went quite smoothly and I would say this last cycle could be summed up with the word exhausted. The neulasta shot barely made me feel bad this time around which honestly is a bit scary because it means overall that my body is too worn out to respond like it did in the beginning. I'm just hoping my blood counts hold up as they were low last time and I'm not willing to get a blood transfusion at this point. I've again increased my L-glutamine to the maximum amount because a day or two into this cycle the neuropathy was becoming even more bothersome and so far it has helped. I'm praying the neuropathy is temporary and time will let me know if this is permanent or not.
I haven't given the end of treatment a whole lot of thought in part because it's not over to me just yet. I've got another surgery in December to take out that remaining ovary and then it will feel more like I'm truly done. Maybe it's hard for others to understand but I can't get in the mind frame of "I'm done" until I'm a year or two out without any occurrences. I think it would be too devastating if I become too hopeful too soon. I'm guarded in my excitement and in my hope for the future. To be honest, I'm really trying to learn to be content with the here and now and to stop worrying so much about the future. I spend so much time and energy thinking about the next several steps ahead that I don't truly appreciate the things that are occurring at this moment. I want to be more like Paul in the bible, I want to be content with my situation no matter what that is... and that's hard for me.
I have to mention that so far I still have some eyebrows and eyelashes, thank you God! I hope I can keep them until everything starts to grow back, you tend to not look sick with eyebrows and eyelashes. :) I can't wait for my hair to grow back too because while I love not having to style my hair, wigs are quite hot when I'm having a hot flash! As soon as this chemo is out of my system, I'm going to experiment with herbs to see what works best for taming all the menopause symptoms. Dr P has made it very clear to me that I can't have hormones for at least a year and then we can re-talk about it all. I've been busy researching what might help hot flashes and insomnia since those are my biggest issues for now.

It's hard to articulate all that God has done for me since I started this journey. I have done VERY well through radiation and chemo and I have to give all the credit to God. He has truly protected me in so many ways! I know I have complained my way through treatment where I probably should have talked more about the ways God was helping me...what can I say, I'm flawed in many ways. As I look back from the very start of all of this, I can see God's hand over me. When I thought he was absent, I can now see just how close He was. I'm so thankful God is merciful and patient as I didn't handle things well in the very beginning of my diagnosis. God IS good all the time, even when I don't see or understand what He is doing.