One year ago....

A year ago this month, I found out I had cancer. It feels a lot longer than a year as so much has changed! I think back to those first several weeks and I'm so thankful not to be in that same place emotionally or spiritually, it was a dark place. I still don't like this circumstance but I wouldn't change the lessons I've learned or the deepened relationship with God. I can now say that I have completely leaned on God with all kinds of hopeful expectations and while His plans are not my plans, I trust Him and God is good all the time! I have a lot of questions that this side of heaven will never be answered but I'm ok with that....and I never thought I would be. I used to really dislike 1 Peter because it talks a lot about suffering and that everyone will suffer in this lifetime. It's definitely not one of my favorite chapters in the bible but I don't fear suffering as much as I used to. I am not excited about some of the things God allows in my life, BUT I know He will supply me with whatever I need to endure through it. I never thought I would be okay with not having children but Mark and I find we are perfectly content. When the bible says that God knows the desires of our heart, it's true that He either fulfills that desire or gives you peace in the lack of it. I'm finding that my new calling is to love on other people's kids and hopefully to give the parents reprieve. I'm going to church today for training in the nursery and I can't wait to start loving on some babies!
I have SO much to be thankful for in this past year! I'm amazed at the protection God has provided thus far and how quickly treatment went to be honest. I've been working with individuals much younger than me that have cancer and are in the midst of their treatment, and while I don't understand why God allows all that He does, I come away from work seeing that God protected me in a multitude of ways. He truly knows our abilities, limits, and fills in the gap wherever needed. I don't know about you, but I'm thankful God only lets me see one small step at a time rather than see the bigger picture.

Second opinion

When I met with Dr P, we discussed some of my menopause symptoms as I want to feel more like my age. When he told me that "a hot flash never killed anyone," I was angry and told him that only a man would say that! It's not JUST hot flashes that bother me (however, these aren't warm flushes we are talking about, these are suffocating-I-want-out-of-my-skin hot flashes), it's also the insomnia, dry skin, joint paint, fatigue to name a few. Don't get me wrong, I have been very blessed to have Dr P as my oncologist but there are some things in which he lacks. We are struggling with quality of life issues and do not see eye to eye. He doesn't want to prescribe ANY type of estrogen for fear of the possibility of recurrence and has stated several times that he doesn't want to watch me die. I understand that and respect his stance, BUT he doesn't have to live with these daily irritations and can't relate to anything I'm talking about. At the beginning of this whole process we talked a lot about how quality of life is more important to me than quantity, and he promised he would help me have quality if I did the entire treatment. Now that I've completed treatment and have all these issues, I feel a bit betrayed as he simply wants to keep me alive. THAT WASN'T PART OF OUR DEAL! I'm beyond frustrated and angry and there are many days that I wish I never did radiation. I think part of Dr P's struggle is that menopause is something I was going to go through at some point and so what's the big deal if it's a decade or so early. Let me just say that there is a BIG difference between natural menopause and sudden menopause and knowing what I know now, I would do everything possible to avoid sudden menopause. I've done a lot of research to find out how to minimize my symptoms without HRT in order to play by Dr P's rules. I do have to give him credit because he is letting me experiment with an anti-hypertensive (clonidine) and this is outside of his comfort zone. I will say that clonidine drastically cuts down on the amount of hot flashes I have but it really adds to the fatigue, which was my only concern. I'm trying to stick it out to see if my body will adjust to the fatigue factor. In regards to all my other issues, I've called my old gyn (who is a female and in her 40's) to get a second opinion and see what she is willing to do to help. I want some forms of estrogen and I'm getting to the point where it's not negotiable. It is a risk to take estrogen but like I've said all along, I could follow all the rules and my cancer could come back. This is the point where I have to trust God, he is either going to allow my cancer to return or he's not. In the meantime, I want to feel like myself again! I want to feel like I'm in my 30's! I think a lot about Mark and how my decisions impact him....who would want this type of a wife? Please pray for my upcoming discussion with Dr R, and for wisdom for Mark and I as we try to make the best decision for us.

Building my God story one chapter at a time.....

I'm really struggling with this whole menopause journey, I hate it to be perfectly honest! I find myself being angry about it and not sure what to do with the anger. I'm sure Mark feels the blunt of it which is unfair and I hate that aspect and yet struggle to change it. Very few people my own age relate to what I'm going through and so it only adds to my feeling different, which was never a good thing in my family. I feel like I aged overnight, it feels like I've been robbed of over a decade of years in the blink of an eye. When people say I'm being brave or courageous I don't feel that way at all; I feel like a grumbling Israelite as I can see the many ways God has blessed me but I continue to focus on the circumstances I dislike. I know my menopause experience could be so much worse and I am thankful that it's not, but I don't know how to find contentment in this situation. I'm afraid that God is going to get sick of hearing me complain and truly give me something to complain about. That's probably not the healthiest of thoughts but it's the truth. I found myself telling God this morning that this whole journey He has given me is totally unfair, and of course, the pity party was beginning to start. He brought to mind one of my nieces because she had gone through this stage of keeping track of what was fair in her mind. My sister shared the story that one day she told her daughter that tomorrow everything would be fair amongst the two girls and asked if that was truly what she wanted, my niece was pretty excited about the idea of this. It turns out that the next day, my niece's younger sister was having a pretty rough day and in not listening to her mom got stuck in the pantry closet. In the process of getting the youngest sister out of the pantry, some of her hair got pulled out. Lisa went to her other daughter and informed her that she needed to lay down while Lisa pulled out some of her hair in honor of fairness day. She told me that my nieces eyes got big and she decided that sometimes fairness isn't what we want after all. I'm so much like my niece sometimes in wanting fairness but I guess I want things to be fair only on my terms. Thank you for the lesson Mikayla, it changed my outlook this morning!

Music therapy

I'm the kind of person who can find peace, encouragement, and inspiration from music. If you want to know where I'm at in life, take some time to listen to the music I'm listening to because it says a lot. I had ordered Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD "Beauty will rise" several weeks ago and had been anxiously awaiting it's arrival. Wouldn't you know it came the day after I got my CT results, the very day I needed it the most. To say there were tears just doesn't tell the whole story; I felt completely broken, emotionally spent, and honestly, I felt like quitting this whole journey. The CD really spoke to me but especially a couple of the songs chorus:

"Our God is in control"

This is not how it should be/this is not how it could be/but this is how it is/and our God is in control/this is not how it will be/when we finally will see/we'll see with our own eyes/he was always in control/and we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God/and we will finally, really understand what it means/so we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God/while we're waiting for that day/this is not where we planned to be/when we started this journey/ but this is where we are/ and our God is in control/though this first taste is bitter/there will be sweetness forever/when we finally taste and see/ that our God is in control...

"Beauty will rise"

Out of these ashes/beauty will rise/and we will dance among the ruins/we will see it with our own eyes/out of the ashes/beauty will rise/for we know joy is coming in the morning/ in the morning/ beauty will rise/ so take another breath for now/and let the tears come washing down....I can almost feel the hand of God/reaching for my face to wipe the tears away/and say it's time to make everything new/make it all new/this is our hope/this is the promise...

Results

Met with Dr P and our belief is that the CT results are good, however, as has been the history for me throughout this whole ordeal there is a discrepancy. When Dr P told me that my lung nodule has been stable for the last two years I was quite surprised as I have never been aware of a nodule period! I'm the kind of person that gets a copy of just about every test I have so I would be aware if one of my previous tests had said I had a nodule. I left the office feeling unsettled, like something is wrong and I should investigate further. The next day, while looking at the previous CT report the radiologists are comparing my new CT report with I found that the old report never mentions a lung nodule, it clearly states the lungs are clear. This means that either the radiologist from 2008 either completely missed a nodule (and we are not exactly talking about a small nodule) or this is something new. This discovery has led to lots of tears and trying to figure out where to go from this point forward. If this is a new nodule it would most likely mean that treatment has not worked and my cancer has continued to spread in spite of aggressive treatment, if it's truly a stable nodule then it looks like treatment has worked so far. It's quite the opposite end of the spectrum! This has really made me evaluate what I am willing to do in regards to further treatment if that would ever be needed. I called Dr P's office and they have stated that they would further investigate this discrepancy and I'm thinking I will leave it at that for now. Honestly, I don't want to do any further treatments at this point and I feel pretty good, so I'd rather leave things the way they are for now. I will say that these sort of discrepancies are only adding to the fact that I don't trust medical tests anymore. I'm starting to feel like we should base my treatment plan on how I feel and not on what some test says as they are fallible. Anyway, for now we are accepting this news as good news. Thank you for all the prayers, we appreciate it more than you can imagine!

And so it begins....

I had my first CT scan today since the end of treatment to see whether or not treatment worked. I've had several CT scans with contrast so I'm used to that part, but I've not had to drink the barium before. I've given barium to patients but never personally experienced it and wasn't exactly looking forward to it as I've never heard anything good about the taste. Mine was "vanilla smoothie" flavored and let me tell you there is nothing smoothie about it, but it wasn't as bad as I had prepared myself. As I was waiting for my test, multiple traumas came in which meant I was understandably bumped down on the list. I can't tell you how many times this sort of thing has happened to me, I'm like the trauma magnet. It was well known that when I was working nights in CCU if this particular nurse and I were on the same shift, the crash carts needed to be loaded and ready to go! :) Anyway, aside from saying a quick prayer for those hurt, I was determined to have this test in proper time because I was not going to drink that barium again! It all worked out and the test itself didn't take long. Overall, I went into this test with my fears in check and simply wanted to get it done. However, there was a brief moment while I was in the scan that the panicked flood of "what ifs" came but Colossions 3:15 stopped the flow ("Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart"). As I was driving home I continued to keep my thoughts in check and reminded myself that whatever happens from this point forward is in God's hands. I can't control what type of test results I get and so worrying about it for a week (that's when I'll get the results) isn't going to do me any good. That's not to say that I don't think about the test anymore, it's in the back of my mind all the time but I'm getting on with life while I wait. Basically, the reason for this post is to say that capturing your thoughts and aligning them up to God's word really does work. I'm not totally stressed out or filled with anxiety, there is peace about whatever comes. I haven't mastered this whole faith and peace journey but this control freak is doing better than expected so far!