My year summed up in a ring...

Since surgery, I've been wanting to get something to celebrate the end of treatment, something that will be a daily reminder of all that God has done for me in just this year alone. At church this week I found the perfect thing, a silver ring that has "new creation" inscribed on it with butterflies after the inscription. For my first chemo treatment (and birthday as I started chemo days before my birthday), my mom gave me turquoise butterfly jewelry as a way to mark the beginning of the changes and rebirth I would be going through this year. I loved the gift but didn't have much hope at that time about what lay ahead for me. The picture above doesn't do the ring justice as this is two rings in one with the ring with the inscription able to move and the second ring underneath it stable. It's as though I am the movable part of the ring and God is the second stable, grounded part of the ring. This ring fits me because there are so many things different about me post treatment. I feel as though God is giving me yet another new beginning and for those that know my full story, know that I've already had several new beginnings of sorts. I'm not sure why God continues to grant mercy on me like He does, I just know I'm here for a reason, He has a purpose and plan for my life...and He's not calling me home just yet.

What a difference a year makes! I've been reflecting a lot this Christmas about last year and where I was on my faith walk with God. It was a scary time for both Mark and I as we were beginning to understand that I was failing conservative treatment. It was an even scarier time spiritually as I was beyond angry with God, completely doubted His plans and doubted His love. I remember saying to Mark a lot that if this is the hand of a loving God, I wasn't sure I wanted any part of Him. This spiritual desert (and this isn't my first desert) was the scariest time period, I really didn't know if I would abandon everything I knew and walk away from God. I truly believe it was the prayers of others standing in the gap for me in ways I couldn't stand for myself that kept me on track. There is power in prayer, my whole life is a testament to that fact! I don't know what 2011 holds for me this year and honestly there is some residual fear always lurking in the background, but hope and promise outweigh the fear most days. I do know that I'm truly a new creation going into 2011, God's hands have definitely left their mark on me these days. If God is for me, who could be against me!!

Lymphedema

I think lymphedema is one of the things that most cancer patients fear will become part of the aftermath of their surgery. I know it was a huge fear of mine and yet I was told that because I am so active, it probably won't be an issue. Probably being the key word! So over the last few months I've watched my right leg have intermittent swelling and pain, all the while hoping this wasn't lymphedema. We have lymph nodes throughout our body, they are the clean-up crew so to speak as they filter out all the impurities in our bodies. With my original surgery, many lymph nodes were taken as a way to find out if they had gotten hold of any cancer cells. I had one lymph node come back positive which is why I'm a stage 3 and why I had such an aggressive treatment plan. I think Dr P was very aggressive in removing lymph nodes on my right side because that is the side of the uterus where the majority of the visible cancer was. Anytime the lymph system is disturbed, it means that the remaining lymph nodes have to work that much harder to clear out fluids and impurities and sometimes it simply can't keep up, which gives swelling to that area. I've had persistent swelling and discomfort to the right groin area lately and I knew this was the much dreaded lymphedema. Part of me wanted to ignore this somewhat new development because I'm sick of seeing specialists and I just want to be done with this whole cancer business now. Unfortunately, the reality is that if I continue to ignore this situation, it will only get worse and I don't want that! I finally saw a lymph specialist today and I'm actually glad that I went, there was more good news than bad. The bad news is that yes, I have lymphedema and that there is a 1 inch difference at the most. I have daily exercises that I must do and I need to wear a compression stocking to the whole right leg daily. The good news is that it's only an inch difference, there are exercises that should help my clogged lymph system, and they have come a LONG ways with compression stockings since I've seen them on my patients. The lymph specialist feels because we are catching this early, I should have a good response and the hope is that I won't have to wear a compression stocking daily for the rest of my life. Hopefully, we will get the swelling under control and speed up my lymph system so that I will only have to wear the stocking at times. I'm pretty impressed with the stocking, it basically feels like I'm wearing panty hose to the right leg, it's comfortable and looks like panty hose. The odd part is that it's only on the one leg and so it feels like I'm missing part of my panty hose, specifically around the pelvic/abdomen region. I'm sure women will understand what I'm talking about. :) The exercises are simple and easy to do, however, it does bother me that it's one more thing I have to do as part of the aftermath of cancer. I'm a bit irritated that I wasn't given these lymph exercises RIGHT AFTER surgery as a way to maybe ward off lymphedema in the first place. There was a whirlwind of info coming at me after surgery but I would have been willing to do anything to ward off lymphedema! I could have done some research on my own and figured this stuff out for myself and part of me is kicking myself for not doing it, but I shouldn't have to treat myself. Sometimes, I just want to be a patient, not the nurse-patient-doctor to myself! I'm going to talk with Dr P's nursing staff and recommend they give the exercise handouts to ALL their post-surgery patients. I'm sure at times his staff is sick of me but thankfully God made me stubborn so I do what I think is best for the patient regardless of how annoying I may be. Anyway, prayers would be appreciated that this new regimen works and that the swelling goes away. Also, that my fears stay in check about this new problem. It's very easy to start a pity party that I have one more flipping problem, but the truth is God has been VERY good to me throughout this whole ordeal! I don't want to lose sight of that fact. I'll keep you all updated on the lymph situation.

When my lymph specialist told me she had a hysterectomy at 25 due to health issues, I immediately relaxed. We can relate to each other on several issues and her outlook on her situation brings me a lot of hope. I'm constantly amazed at the perfect people God places in my life at the perfect timing!

The results are in...

So far, I am cancer free!!! Dr P gave me the results and then said "Merry Christmas" as this is the first bit of good news he has given me. :) We gave each other a hug and I've officially graduated to check-ups every three months, sounds good to me. Thank you for all the prayers for us this year, I'm sure heaven is sick of our name by now.

I went to my first support group yesterday that was started a year ago by one of Dr P's patients, so our cancers are all gyn related. The majority of women were stage 3 or stage 4 and I have to say that even I was shocked at how good these women looked. I have talked a lot about the downfalls and frustrations of medicine but yesterday was a reminder of the positive evolvement in the area of cancer. These women not only looked great but they are leading active, productive lives, it gave me a lot of hope. I found a common recurring theme among us and that is that most of us stop making long-term plans. I think we are all trying to live in the present, enjoy the moment, and focus more on short-term goals/plans. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, but waking up day after day with that reality staring me in the face, hopefully means I'll live each day differently and with meaning. I certainly celebrate many things these days that I once took for granted.
With my good results, I'm going to start focusing on getting back into ICU! :)

My first test...

Last night we found out one of our friends is going to have a baby; it's one of those moments that I have been wondering how I would handle and praying for the right heart attitude. No matter how much you try to prepare yourself, these type of announcements are the true test! When I was blindsided by the devastating news that we weren't going to have biological kids, one of my friends gently told me that God either grants the desires of our hearts (in His timing of course) or He changes our hearts desire. Back then, I couldn't imagine how God could heal my wounded heart. I'm that stereotypical girl who played with baby dolls all the while imagining they were my own (I even dressed up the dogs). In high school, my friends voted me to be the first to get married and have lots of kids as it was clear, motherhood was my calling....or so we thought. So with the test of last night, I was truly stunned by another one of God's merciful healing as I found myself genuinely happy for this cute couple. I guess I've secretly been afraid that in these moments, I would be so consumed by my own sadness that I wouldn't be able to stay in the moment and rejoice with my friends. It was in this moment that I realized God has been healing and preparing my heart for such a time as this. He truly knows what we need and at the exact moment we will need it. In my friends announcement, I heard God whisper to me that no matter what my biopsy results show, He will give me what I need, period. It was a real life moment of Psalm 46:10! Now don't get me wrong, there is still loss to be processed as I know I haven't dealt with the full extent of it all. This isn't something you can accept and process all at once, it occurs in small bits and pieces....at least for me. Last night as we watched their announcement video, there was sadness in the fact that we will never make that type of announcement. All the moments of dreaming about how I would tell Mark and family we were pregnant are lost and while it stings now, it's not consuming sadness like I thought it would be. The other part that surprised me is that the different stinging moments have to occur because at the same time that it hurts, it's healing. This whole process is very similar to an open wound--if you want it to heal, it's got to heal from the inside out and the cleaning process never feels good. I'm at that age where those around me are having babies and I'm finding that I'm really okay with that fact. With each baby announcement comes a deeper healing for me, from a worldly stance that doesn't make sense but from a Godly stance, it totally makes sense. I will never understand (at least this side of heaven) why Mark and I have not been gifted biological children, BUT God provides peace and contentment in the loss. And Connie you were right, God IS changing my hearts desires! :)

Surgery day

Mark and I had quite the sleepless night before surgery, not because of nerves but because of our dogs! Needless to say, I love anesthesia drugs, it's the best sleep I've had since going into menopause. :) Because the boys were recently neutered and couldn't be trusted to leave their incisions alone, Mark dropped me off for my surgery with the understanding that Dr P would call him with the results. Before the surgery, I expressed my concerns over the pathology not coming back clean. Dr P's eyes got quite big as he asked why I worry about that, he seemed to feel as though everything would be fine but said he would take some additional biopsies to prove treatment had worked. I find his confidence startling as I don't trust a lot of things anymore but I hope he is right! The surgery itself went very well and Dr P had said that everything looked good. It took me much longer to get the anesthesia out of my system and because I almost passed out in the bathroom, they pretty much kept me there all day. It's hard to tell if chemo has changed the way my kidneys filter meds or if it's the combination of being sick prior to surgery and so my body is simply taxed right now. Anyway, once I got home I started having some pain not from the incision sites but from the gas they used for laproscopic surgery. This occurred with the last surgery so it wasn't too alarming. However, by the next morning I was having a hard time breathing and any movement made breathing more difficult. Mark had gone to school as planned but came home early as I was struggling and I am so glad he came home when he did. I tried to get up and move around as that is the best way to get rid of the built up gas, but it really aggravated breathing and my accessory muscles were tiring out from the struggle. When it got to the point of one-word sentences we called Dr P who basically said I either needed to come in and see him or go to the ER. I felt this was totally ridiculous as my problems were gas related and that I was wasting his time, but I will do anything to stay out of the ER! I have never in my life gone to a doctors office in my PJ's but when you can't breath, everything else isn't as important. It was quite the humbling experience! When I told Dr P I felt this was a waste of his time, that's when he told Mark and I that he found a nodule on one of my ureters, removed it and so was worried that maybe he nicked the ureter and I was leaking urine into my body. He didn't want to tell us about the nodule because he feels it is probably scar tissue from radiation and didn't want us to worry. This bothered me a great deal, I don't want my physician filtering information because he doesn't want me to worry. I'm already worried about microscopic cancer cells being found as it is! I know his heart is in the right place but he's really starting to fracture our trust relationship. Honestly, I think Dr P has gotten too emotionally involved in my case, I think he still feels badly about not truly knowing the type of cancer I had until the actual hysterectomy. Being in the medical field, I understand how the way things turned out in my case causes all kinds of red flags and is unacceptable from his standpoint. However, I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I've made peace with the way things unfolded. I actually believe my situation is a mixed blessing for several reasons, so I wish Dr P would let go of the past. It sort of feels like he NEEDS me to be okay because he feels like he failed in recognizing the type of cancer (which he didn't) and therefore wasted six months of conservative treatment. It's almost as if Dr P treats me like a daughter and while that may sound good, it's really not, it sort of clouds his judgement on different things. I plan on talking to him about this at our next appointment; I want him to stop feeling responsible, God is in charge of all that occurs in my case and He has been all along. Sometimes science doesn't get it right and while that's very disturbing from a medical standpoint, it's the way it is. My hope comes from knowing that God is above science and nothing happens to me outside of His will. Anyway, now we wait for the path results on the 16th and I am praying for good results this time around!

I'm feeling MUCH better today, I can breath and move which means Dr P did not nick a ureter! Praise God!!!!

Faith like an adult

It seems my faith level is like being on a roller coaster ride, some days I trust God with all my being, other days I totally doubt what He is doing. I want to get off this ride and simply trust...easier said than done though. With my upcoming surgery looming over my head, my faith levels are all over the place and I'm disappointed by that. When will I move out of this adult-like faith to child-like faith? I have so much to learn from kids, they ask for anything and everything and they truly trust God will provide. What is it going to take to stop doubting God? I'm SO thankful God doesn't treat me like I think He should at times, I would be sick of this back and forth faith issues if I were Him! Anyway, I started to get sick on Thursday and I still don't feel all that great which increases my anxiety about surgery tomorrow. This is not how I wanted to go into surgery! It amazes me how quickly my energy levels fail after treatment, I'm being told this is "normal" and I have to give myself more time. Did I mention that I lack patience too? Anyway, I've been spending lots of couch time these last few days and knowing more couch days lay ahead does not thrill me. I'm sick of my couch this year!!!!! I have to remember I chose this route and this won't last forever.
Simply put, I'm afraid that the pathology won't come back clean. I try to prepare myself for the worst possible news but I really can't prepare myself for the "c" word again. I know God is sovereign and will enable me to endure whatever He allows in my path. The struggle comes from the fact that I don't want to do cancer anymore--I don't want to do treatment, I don't want to be sick, and I don't want to feel like a burden to Mark. I think this surgery is such a struggle because I'm giving God parameters and we all know God doesn't do parameters. I'm afraid of what He is going to allow, I'm afraid the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath us again. I know He is a loving God, I know He is good....even if treatment fails He is good. I guess I need to stop trying to solve all the "what ifs" as it's driving me crazy and I'm wasting a good panic as other cancer patients have said. I know trust isn't a feeling, it's a choice. I guess my mantra this week is "I choose to trust--no parameters." Lord, let this prayer go from my head and into my heart!!