Faith like an adult

It seems my faith level is like being on a roller coaster ride, some days I trust God with all my being, other days I totally doubt what He is doing. I want to get off this ride and simply trust...easier said than done though. With my upcoming surgery looming over my head, my faith levels are all over the place and I'm disappointed by that. When will I move out of this adult-like faith to child-like faith? I have so much to learn from kids, they ask for anything and everything and they truly trust God will provide. What is it going to take to stop doubting God? I'm SO thankful God doesn't treat me like I think He should at times, I would be sick of this back and forth faith issues if I were Him! Anyway, I started to get sick on Thursday and I still don't feel all that great which increases my anxiety about surgery tomorrow. This is not how I wanted to go into surgery! It amazes me how quickly my energy levels fail after treatment, I'm being told this is "normal" and I have to give myself more time. Did I mention that I lack patience too? Anyway, I've been spending lots of couch time these last few days and knowing more couch days lay ahead does not thrill me. I'm sick of my couch this year!!!!! I have to remember I chose this route and this won't last forever.
Simply put, I'm afraid that the pathology won't come back clean. I try to prepare myself for the worst possible news but I really can't prepare myself for the "c" word again. I know God is sovereign and will enable me to endure whatever He allows in my path. The struggle comes from the fact that I don't want to do cancer anymore--I don't want to do treatment, I don't want to be sick, and I don't want to feel like a burden to Mark. I think this surgery is such a struggle because I'm giving God parameters and we all know God doesn't do parameters. I'm afraid of what He is going to allow, I'm afraid the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath us again. I know He is a loving God, I know He is good....even if treatment fails He is good. I guess I need to stop trying to solve all the "what ifs" as it's driving me crazy and I'm wasting a good panic as other cancer patients have said. I know trust isn't a feeling, it's a choice. I guess my mantra this week is "I choose to trust--no parameters." Lord, let this prayer go from my head and into my heart!!