Fearful

This year I'm determined to not let my fears dictate my behavior. It's going to be a slow process and I'm okay with that, I'm celebrating all the small steps that occur in between. I didn't use to be a fear-based person, I'm sure growing up my parents wished I had been a bit more fearful. I was the kid that did what I wanted and said what I felt should be said no matter the consequences. I've been reflecting on all of this and trying to figure out when this all changed and why. I think it all started after I moved to Colorado and started working in ICU. I felt pretty safe in my Colorado Springs neighborhood, until I started seeing more and more gunshot and stabbing victims, some times gang related and some times random events. Personally, I don't believe in random or fate, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Some times God gives us a sneak peak into the whys but many times we will never fully understand the reasons this side of heaven. I'm slowly learning to accept that fact as I'd rather serve a God I can't fully understand. As time went by in ICU, I started to truly see the fragility of life and how much an individuals life can change in a split second. I started asking other trauma nurses how they overcame all these fears and was a bit surprised to learn that they hadn't, they simply learned how to keep them in check. I say that God is sovereign and that while I don't know what the future holds, I know who holds my future, but am I really living that out? If I'm constantly afraid of what is coming next, it robs me of living in the present. Life is short, I want to live in the here and now rather than tomorrow. I might always be a fear-based person but I want to learn to live in a way where I feel the fear and do it anyway.

Test results

I had my three month check up on Monday and met with Dr P's NP Cara to go over the results. I wasn't too nervous about this one and have to believe God has granted me peace in the whole situation. However, when Cara gave me the results of my CA-125 blood test, lots of fears started to flood my mind. CA-125 is a cancer tumor marker and is often used in ovarian cancer but lots of things can affect this blood test. Prior to treatment I had never had this test performed because I was premenopausal and it is believed only to be accurate after menopause. However, a month into chemo Dr P was disappointed we had never done this test and decided to get one done just to see where I was at. At that time, my CA-125 was 7, yesterday I found out that the number had increased to 10.8 with anything below 11 considered normal. The truth is that we don't know what my initial CA-125 would have been and we don't know if this test is valuable in my case. Hearing 10.8 knowing that 11 is normal doesn't exactly give me a lot of wiggle room, therefore doesn't help me relax. I was bothered in hearing that my number had increased and yet understand that we don't know if that's significant in my case. The truth is that with my type of cancer, my numbers could continue to increase and that doesn't mean recurrence. On the other hand, my numbers could remain low and that doesn't mean there are no cancer cells lurking. This is a grey test in my case and I knew that going into things. In talking with Cara, we have decided not to do another CA-125 as I don't want to know if my numbers continue to go higher, it would only add to my anxiety and really isn't a reliable piece of information. I left my oncologists office with mixed feelings as I was told my pap results would come back in a week. When I saw their office number on caller ID my heart sank a bit as I was thinking news this quickly can't be good news. It's hard to get out of that mind frame! The nurse quickly reassured me that she had good news and that my pap was normal. WOOHOO!!! I will have a CT scan in three months along with another pap and hopefully all will go well at that check up.
The nurse part of me wants the statistics, what are the odds that I will truly remain cancer free. I really grilled Cara about this but she didn't give me anything concrete. I'm sure I'll do the same to Dr P in three months! God gave me quite the reminder yesterday that people are not statistics. Yesterday in ICU, I followed up on a previous patient I had taken care of on Friday. She is 33 and had OD on narcotics, found at home barely breathing and had aspirated on her own vomit. When I took care of her she was still on the vent, not following any commands and her EEG (brain wave test) looked quite grim. For the most part, we all felt that she was probably going to become a donor case but her family was not ready for this news at all. Her mother kept talking to me about "when" her daughter comes home and while I didn't say anything to discourage this type of thinking, I kept thinking how sad, she is in so much denial. To my surprise, yesterday she was taken off the vent and I actually held a conversation with her! This woman can not only breath for herself, she is able to think and function way better than anybody expected! The truth is that only God determines our outcomes, I see it time and again.....and yet I still want that dang number. I'm a work in progress I suppose. Thank you for all the prayers, so far I'm still cancer free!!!!

A year ago today...

I can't help but think how differently today was a year ago! I had started my first chemo treatment several days prior and my mom had been staying with us since my surgery in February. My birthday is tomorrow and a year ago I was so angry with all that we were going through, that I wasn't in the mood to celebrate and I let everyone around me know that too. In retrospect I feel badly for my mom, she wanted to respect my wishes but at the same time she wanted to celebrate my birth. A year ago today, I was SO angry with God and all that He was allowing, I couldn't see His goodness in my circumstance at all. My mom and I spent this day last year with a lot of tears and a lot of turmoil. In order to respect my wishes, she tried to give me some birthday gifts today rather than tomorrow. I remember her coming into the living room with a box for a new skillet and as soon as I saw it, I started crying which in turn made her cry. I kept telling her "why would I want celebrate this year? why didn't God just let me die with the blood clot, why do I have to go through this too?" I'm sure that's not what a mother wants to hear from her child! Through tears my mom revealed her fears that I would give up. We talked about God's character and His sovereignty and how none of this made sense. A year ago today, I felt hopeless, angry, and weak. I did not know if I could endure 6 months of treatment, plus learn to let go of some of my hopes and dreams for the future. We have wedding pictures all over our house and for a period of time, I could not look at them without tears because it represented all that I had lost. What a difference a year makes! I enter this birthday year extremely thankful in a way that I've never experienced. The American Cancer Society says they are the official sponsor of birthdays. :) For the first time in my life, I want this birthday and have a lot to celebrate! I'm still sorting some things out with God but I see and know that He is good, all the time!
Mom, I'm sorry I made this day such a difficult one for you a year ago. Thank you for your patience and simply sitting and crying with me. God restores the smallest of things doesn't He!

Prayer and wisdom

Mark and I would like nothing more than to be comfortable for awhile, to let things settle and coast for a bit. Isn't that how we would all like to live? I think God may have other plans for us and at times that is a bit frightening to me. The control freak in me really wrestles with God for all the plans ahead of time and God continues to remind me that He only reveals my next step. I'm sure that's in my best interest, if I knew what my future held I'm not sure I would handle it all that well. Mark and I have been feeling for some time now that God will be leading us out of Colorado. There are SO many unknowns and uncertainties that some days it leaves us spinning. Personally, I think we both would rather stay where we are, but we know how important it is to be obedient and do as the Lord asks, even if it doesn't make sense at the time or we lack a lot of details. This is such a scary step for us as we don't know the time frame or even how this will all come together. Would you join us in prayer for wisdom and discernment? We want to be obedient and we don't want to make decisions out of fear, it's a difficult balance. We KNOW the power of prayer!