Fearful

This year I'm determined to not let my fears dictate my behavior. It's going to be a slow process and I'm okay with that, I'm celebrating all the small steps that occur in between. I didn't use to be a fear-based person, I'm sure growing up my parents wished I had been a bit more fearful. I was the kid that did what I wanted and said what I felt should be said no matter the consequences. I've been reflecting on all of this and trying to figure out when this all changed and why. I think it all started after I moved to Colorado and started working in ICU. I felt pretty safe in my Colorado Springs neighborhood, until I started seeing more and more gunshot and stabbing victims, some times gang related and some times random events. Personally, I don't believe in random or fate, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Some times God gives us a sneak peak into the whys but many times we will never fully understand the reasons this side of heaven. I'm slowly learning to accept that fact as I'd rather serve a God I can't fully understand. As time went by in ICU, I started to truly see the fragility of life and how much an individuals life can change in a split second. I started asking other trauma nurses how they overcame all these fears and was a bit surprised to learn that they hadn't, they simply learned how to keep them in check. I say that God is sovereign and that while I don't know what the future holds, I know who holds my future, but am I really living that out? If I'm constantly afraid of what is coming next, it robs me of living in the present. Life is short, I want to live in the here and now rather than tomorrow. I might always be a fear-based person but I want to learn to live in a way where I feel the fear and do it anyway.