Sad news today

Received a text from my mom today that my 22 year old cousin was found dead in his home. The sad part is that for years many of us have been waiting for this type of news, so I'm a bit shocked at how it took me off guard anyway. I'm so sad and angry for him, for the MANY people who failed him and for the unrelenting demons he battled his entire life. The hardest part to this whole situation is that while he knew of God, he turned his back on God (as far as we know). How do you explain to a young man that God IS loving and loves him when in all reality, there were so many cards stacked against him from the moment he was born. I do understand that my cousin made so many poor choices and that makes me sad, but I'm so angry that he grew up in such a dysfunctional environment. I'm angry that his parents spent more time trying to get back at one another and that their kids paid the price for their hate and anger towards each other. I'm reminded today that my step-grandfather's sickness and sin continues to permeate our family and that makes me incredibly angry! My prayer is that something good can come out of Tony's death, that his life won't be wasted in vain. I'm hanging onto Romans 8:28 today of all days. I wish I could simply hug Tony and apologize for all those that failed him early in his life. These things shouldn't happen!! I will definitely change my approach to those who are hurting themselves, it's the least I can do in his memory!

I went to bed last night broken-hearted for my cousin who probably felt that very few cared about him. I will be hanging on to Romans 8:28 as I really want to see something good come from this tragic situation. I woke up this morning and was reminded that it is because of kids like Tony that I am called into foster parenting. At our foster care launch we all made promises to the kids that will come into our home. I promised to be a voice to the voiceless, to help these kids feel safe, and to instill the love of God that will provide them a hope and a future in a way that nothing else will. I wish I could have done something different for Tony, I was so hoping for a different outcome for his life. However, I WILL do whatever I can for the kids that come into my home. I'm going to use my anger for good, I'm going to give these kids an unshakable voice. Sometimes stubbornness is a good thing and when it comes to those who can't protect themselves, my stubbornness is a good thing. I'm going to think of a way to honor Tony's life, to make sure he is not forgotten and most of all, to make sure his death was not in vain.

Foster parent update

We had our foster launch this weekend where we met the other couples starting this same journey, talked with a foster family, and started classes. It was an intense weekend as I worked Friday and Sunday and the launch was Friday night and all day Saturday. Mark had to go to the start of the launch by himself as I was working, he was absolutely exhausted and I felt bad for him. He has had such a busy, tiring schedule lately that I wondered how in the world he would have the energy to do all of this. However, to hear him talk Friday night was so encouraging! This whole event while tiring is also exciting because we both know for certainty that this is where God is calling us and that this is the exact right agency for us. There is nothing better than knowing you are where God wants you to be, there is such a peace in that knowledge. I can't say enough good things about Hope & Home, the agency that we are working with, they treat this more as a ministry and everyone there is family. I was thinking that we would probably start getting kids sometime in the new year so it was something in the distance. In all reality, there is a high likelihood that we could have kids as early as December!!! It's a bit overwhelming but I'm not going to focus on all the "what ifs" and simply let God do his thing. Please join us in prayer for the kids that will be coming into our home. We have no idea how many or the ages that we will get, it's exciting but it's scary all at the same time. I can't believe we are actually going to take on parenthood after all. I started out this year being totally content with just Mark and the dogs and I will finish out this year with the possibility of having kids in our home. It's totally a God thing as I NEVER wanted to be a foster parent and now I know that's exactly what I'm supposed to be....a foster mom. :)

Difficult realizations.....

I watched a documentary on the holocaust this morning and it really got me thinking, would I do the right thing no matter the cost? I hope I would but you never know until the moment arrives. In a world with declining morality, it's easy to become desensitized to the hurting and the helpless. We are all so busy these days, it's so easy to be focused on our growing "to do" lists that we completely bypass someone in need, and not because our heart is hardened, simply because we are distracted. It's a sad reality really. This started to hit home for me several days ago while I was working in ICU, my patient had end-stage liver disease from years of being an alcoholic, he was on a vent and in all likelihood, would never live off of a vent. It took us several days to even find family, but we finally contacted his daughter who flew in and made the decision to do a terminal wean (take him off the vent), but after she had flown back home. I have no idea the relationship between her and her father but she treated him lovingly while at his bedside. It honestly never occurred to me that this man would be dying alone until one of our hospital chaplains talked with me and was appropriately horrified by that fact. She wanted me to let her know when the time came to disconnect him from the vent so that SHE could be at his bedside so he wouldn't die alone. That conversation really bothered me the rest of the shift (and continues to bother me) because had she not said anything, I would have gone about my day taking care of all the "tasks" that needed to be done. I'm ashamed to say that I would have let him die alone! Would it have occurred to me if this man was dying from something not self-inflicted.....probably, and that's the sad part. I've seen so many people die this year alone from self-inflicted behaviors that at times it really makes me angry. I think God has been convicting me in this area because in that moment, I realized that no matter the cause of someone dying, they are still human and they still deserve compassion. No one should die alone, ever!

We have a McDonald near our home and there is a couple who frequently stand outside of it with a "need help" type of sign. To be honest, I don't even know what the sign says because I've never stopped to read it. There's a part of me that becomes angry to see someone young, standing for hours to receive handouts, they could be using that time and energy in better ways. I've been feeling convicted about this couple, how many times have I driven past them, made a judgement about them and yet I know absolutely nothing about their situation. They are human too, they have a need, I should investigate at least a little bit. I've decided that the next time I see this couple, rather than drive past, I'm going to stop and talk with them, see how they got to this point and what is their need. I'm going to give them one of our church fliers and let them know our church can most likely help meet some of their needs in ways that I myself can not. I'm going to go outside of my comfort zone because they are people just like me and I would hope someone would notice if I had a need. It's too easy to not notice these types of situations around us, the opportunity to do what is right is always there. I'm really trying this year to push beyond my comfort zones, it's not always good to be comfortable. Growth doesn't happen when I'm comfortable and if God is going to allow me more time here, I want my life to have meaning. I really want to live for an audience of one! We are living in some dark times, I don't want to be a spectator anymore, it's time to dig in and get dirty!
A couple weekends ago, I found a mama lab and her puppy wandering our neighborhood. I dropped everything, canceled all my plans for that day, and found the puppy a new home. I'm learnintg that I need to have the same attitude that I have for animals and spend that on people.

Unknowns

I like good surprises, those can be fun and energizing, however, I'm still not thrilled about the unknowns in life. I'm definitely getting better about trusting God, but I'm still a control freak at heart and so there is an internal conflict many times. Last week I was simply having one of those weeks, you know how it goes, your focus shifts to the circumstances of life and so stress and anxiety build. Mark and I are turning in our foster care application and starting our two nights a week classes for the next month. This is really going to happen and while we are confident that this is where we are being called, it's not stress free. I honestly don't know how this will all work out financially, we took a big hit from all my medical expenses and now that things are becoming a bit more comfortable, we are looking at adding to our family. It's overwhelming to think about making our house kid-friendly and to be honest, we have no idea how many kids we will be taking in at a time. I'm not sure how we will make this work time-wise and energy-wise, lets face it, we aren't in our twenties anymore. Kids require a LOT of time and effort and I really like my sleep and down time. I really KNOW God, I know His characteristics and that He has all these details under control. I guess I wish He would give me the game plan ahead of time and yet I know He rarely works that way. If I knew all the details ahead of time, I probably wouldn't rely on Him so much and I would take control of the situation. So I spent last week stressing, wondering, worrying about so many unknown factors until I started to not feel well. That only sparked more worry and anxiety that maybe my health isn't doing so good. This worry path can be such a vicious cycle! Thankfully, I'm in a better mind set this week. My unknowns haven't changed much but my focus has, I've put it back where it should have been in the first place, on God. I don't know how this whole foster parenting thing will work out but I know that God has called us to do this and so HE will work it all out, at the exact right time. I'm thankful that when I'm stressing Mark isn't and vice versa, that's part of how we balance each other out I suppose. :) So, off to my first foster class tonight. We are jumping off the cliff into the unknown and trusting in God's promises to take care of everything else. It's an uncomfortable place to be but at the same time, it's the perfect place to be too.