Cancer again?

I didn't want to get the flu shot as it ALWAYS makes me feel like I've got the flu about 12hrs later, but I felt sort of backed into a corner by the hospital and so went ahead with it. So, when I came down with the flu Monday afternoon I wasn't too happy!! The body aches and fever came on so suddenly, it totally reminded me of that darn neulasta shot. When I received a call from my regular doctor later that afternoon I wasn't all that surprised as I had blood work the previous week. I was expecting an abnormal thyroid level (I've been pretty tired lately) or my cholesterol to be way high as I found a love for ice cream shortly after treatment ended. I wasn't exactly prepared to hear that my white count is low as in super low. At first, I told her how this explains the fact that I have the flu, we talked about my fever and decided I should get a recheck on Friday. After I hung up though, my brain went on nurse overload and I immediately thought of cancer....do I have cancer again? I know it's going to sound vain but my next thought was of my hair, I DON'T want to lose my hair again! I feel like I finally found a style that I like, that doesn't take much time, and I'm still trying to grow it out a bit. I called Dr P's office to try and figure out if this was "normal" after treatment and my stomach dropped when they told me that if my next blood test comes back low, I should see a hematologist. She did state that it would be "highly unlikely" for me to have leukemia at this point but was glad I was getting everything checked out. I have to say that I find NO comfort in words like "highly unlikely," "rare," etc. because if you happen to fall into one of those categories just once, it has a whole different meaning forever! After I got off the phone with Dr P's RN, I opened my treatment notebook filled with all my blood test results to see how low my white count got while I was in treatment, I was a bit horrified to see that I was lower than when I was getting chemo!! I contacted family and friends asking for prayer as I desperately don't want to go through treatment yet again....and this soon. My sister asked me not to do any research and at the time I felt horrible, so I wasn't all that interested in trying to figure this all out. However, once my fevers subsided and the aches disappeared, the nurse side of me HAD to make sense of all of this. I found out that one of the drugs I take to manage all my menopause symptoms has the potential to drop my white counts. I never knew that, am not sure how that even chemically works, but was totally comforted by that new found knowledge and stopped my research. However, it seems that every time I get sick with fevers my right leg breaks out in a rash and I tend to have a lot of pain in that leg. This darn leg has given me trouble from day one of surgery, it's the leg that has lymphedema, and that Dr P was really aggressive with as that's the same side as the cancer. My leg was hurting so bad that I couldn't touch it and had trouble walking around, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't lay on it and it hurt to move. After a couple of days of this, I decided maybe I should do a little research on leukemia just to make sure I'm not missing something. The symptoms to leukemia are pretty vague and quite honestly, anyone could have multiple symptoms at any given moment, so I wasn't too focused on the symptom part. I did focus on risk factors as I found out that I am at an increased risk of getting leukemia because of my chemo treatment. Unfortunately, my chemo drugs place me at a 5-10% increased risk starting at the two year mark and start that risk doesn't start to decrease until I reach the five year mark. The data stated that if the patient did get leukemia, it usually is difficult to treat, does not respond well to the standard treatment, and "does not bode well for the patient." I wasn't aware of any of this and I sat at the computer and cried as my mind went to worst-case scenario and all the "what ifs." I called my sister who works in the field of oncology and told  her what I had found, and she told me this is why she had asked me not to do any research. She told me I needed to stop being a nurse and just be a patient, she told me I don't have leukemia. :)
I hate to admit it but I spent a good part of yesterday in a pity party and grumbling to God that this is not fair. I CAN'T  have cancer twice, this soon, this isn't right! I found myself telling God that His timing sucks--here we have been moving forward with foster care, doing classes, getting our house ready, and are on the verge of getting kids. It seems that He recently opened a door to PICU too. I spent most of yesterday asking God why, why allow me to get excited about getting kids/working with kids only to take it all away? Are you really going to rip this all away from me again, just like that? Throughout the day, I felt God gently asking me to spend some time in the Word and in prayer. I felt Him reminding me to focus on who He really is, to remember all that He has done for me. God doesn't change, He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
In some ways I've grown since I first found out I had uterine cancer. I DO trust God and I DO believe He is good and His plans for me are for my best. I'm also finding I'm a work in progress, I still need to grow in certain areas of faith and I need to stop assuming certain things about God. His ways are not my ways! So, I'm back to the waiting game, waiting for test results. I'm trying not to assume I have cancer again, I don't want to waste a good panic just yet. I'm so glad God doesn't treat me harshly as I've said some harsh things to Him this weekend!

Called to love the unlovable

I'm two shifts into pediatric ICU and I'm starting to understand why God has opened this door for me. Have you ever spent much time thinking about child abusers....do they deserve love? Truthfully, none of us deserve love, that's where God's mercy and grace come into play because we simply get it. My first shift in PICU, I came upon an eight month old with a skull fracture and subdural hematoma (blood in the brain) which the parents state came from the two year old sibling. Another baby brought into the ICU was lethargic and found to have marijuana in her system, (so much in fact that this was purposely given to her) while the parents, who own a marijuana clinic state she must have accidentally inhaled this drug. Minutes into hearing about these cases I was angry; I LOVE kids and am very passionate about protecting those who can not protect themselves. Throughout the day, I asked several nurses how they deal with child abuse cases, I mean, how they deal with the parents. I found myself struggling to be professional, being kind to the parents, not giving the "how dare you" glare I SO wanted to give. I found myself immediately becoming judge and jury and declared these parents guilty and unlovable. I found myself saying these kids need to be taken away forever from their parents, end of story! At some point during the shift I heard God speaking to me, asking me if my sins were less than theirs. It wasn't a condemning sort of internal conversation, He was simply probing into my heart, helping me see my own hearts ugliness. The conversation between God and I was filled with a lot of please-don't-ask-me-to-care-about-these-parents type of statements. I ended that shift with the stubborn attitude of I don't WANT to care about the parents. I don't really want to think about being kind to them as I'm caring for their broken child, but sometimes God isn't asking for my opinion on the matter. A few days later Mark and I went to our foster support group and the teaching topic of the night was on domestic violence, the impact it makes on the kids, and why this becomes a cycle in the first place. Again, I felt God tugging at my heart asking me to view the parents as broken people, sometimes committing the same abuse that occurred to them. Honestly, at times I'm not thrilled about these moments, I'm not thrilled about being called to love or care for people I believe don't deserve it. Thankfully, God's heart is not like my heart!! My second PICU shift had a diabetic child who ran out of insulin and whose parents didn't do anything about it for three days. My initial reaction was anger followed by what kind of parent would ignore their child's need. However, after talking with the social worker it became clear that this isn't as black and white as it appeared to me. After hearing some of the family's difficulties, my heart softened....a tiny bit. I think God has placed me in PICU prior to taking in foster kids because I need a heart adjustment towards the parents. They are people too, broken people who have made poor choices and it's important that I not make snap judgements about them or their situation. Don't get me wrong, EVERY abuser must be held accountable but there is a way to do that and still love the broken adult. I have to admit, I do not like being called to love these adults but it is not up to me to judge them. It's easy to care for a broken child, to try and help them, but God isn't calling me to do the easy, He's calling me to do the hard too....to love the abusers and treat them with kindness in spite of their situation. This is going to be a hard assignment for me! I've got to remember that my sins are no less offensive to God than an abuser's sins are to me. I feel a lot like Jonah these days....it's humbling!

PICU

The census at the hospital has been unusually low this year for a variety of reasons, this means I've been working about half of my shifts. Not an ideal situation as I have really wanted to work as much as I can now before we start getting kids. At times, I've struggled with wondering if I should schedule myself for twice as many shifts but then there is always the possibility that I would actually have to work all of them. When I was called off from the ICU yet again one morning, I spent that time in prayer, praying for peace and remembering that God is in full control of my situation. I came away from that quiet time reminded that I don't have to strive and that God knows my needs better than I do. I simply need to be still, trust in Him, and focus on the truth and His promises to me. Later that same day, my boss offered me the opportunity to cross-train to the pediatric ICU if I was interested. I couldn't get over how good God is to me, He always provides at the exact right time. I've accepted this offer and start the training process this Tuesday. This is definitely out of my comfort zone but since God appears to be opening a door, I'm going to walk through it. I'm nervous as I don't like doing procedures on kids, it's very hard for me to find the balance of emotionally separating myself in order to do my job. However, on the other hand, I'm looking forward to the challenge as I learn a whole new set of skills. I was so set on being an ER nurse throughout nursing school....funny how things turn out. God's plans are not my plans and yet His plans are ALWAYS best!

Foster care update

We have been trying to get the house child-proofed and it is a pain as I'm sure most parents would say. Being a foster parent means that if anything were to happen in our house, it could potentially be a liability to our agency and so they go above and beyond to make sure things are safe. I completely understand their viewpoint, however, it drives me nuts at times. We recently had a house check and have a list of things we still have to do in order to be in compliance, so it looks like we will be licensed either late December or early January. I'm actually thankful for the extra time as there is so much stuff to do before kids start coming into our home. I need to find a child care agency for when I'm working, and I've been paying more attention to baby furniture/equipment these days. I don't want to buy anything just yet as we really don't know what age we will get, so it's best to buy stuff after we know. Mark and I keep talking about how this may be our last Christmas being just the two of us etc. and it makes us appreciate this time all the more. It's a great place of contentment, savoring our time and freedom now, yet looking forward to whatever God brings our way in the future.