Cancer again?

I didn't want to get the flu shot as it ALWAYS makes me feel like I've got the flu about 12hrs later, but I felt sort of backed into a corner by the hospital and so went ahead with it. So, when I came down with the flu Monday afternoon I wasn't too happy!! The body aches and fever came on so suddenly, it totally reminded me of that darn neulasta shot. When I received a call from my regular doctor later that afternoon I wasn't all that surprised as I had blood work the previous week. I was expecting an abnormal thyroid level (I've been pretty tired lately) or my cholesterol to be way high as I found a love for ice cream shortly after treatment ended. I wasn't exactly prepared to hear that my white count is low as in super low. At first, I told her how this explains the fact that I have the flu, we talked about my fever and decided I should get a recheck on Friday. After I hung up though, my brain went on nurse overload and I immediately thought of cancer....do I have cancer again? I know it's going to sound vain but my next thought was of my hair, I DON'T want to lose my hair again! I feel like I finally found a style that I like, that doesn't take much time, and I'm still trying to grow it out a bit. I called Dr P's office to try and figure out if this was "normal" after treatment and my stomach dropped when they told me that if my next blood test comes back low, I should see a hematologist. She did state that it would be "highly unlikely" for me to have leukemia at this point but was glad I was getting everything checked out. I have to say that I find NO comfort in words like "highly unlikely," "rare," etc. because if you happen to fall into one of those categories just once, it has a whole different meaning forever! After I got off the phone with Dr P's RN, I opened my treatment notebook filled with all my blood test results to see how low my white count got while I was in treatment, I was a bit horrified to see that I was lower than when I was getting chemo!! I contacted family and friends asking for prayer as I desperately don't want to go through treatment yet again....and this soon. My sister asked me not to do any research and at the time I felt horrible, so I wasn't all that interested in trying to figure this all out. However, once my fevers subsided and the aches disappeared, the nurse side of me HAD to make sense of all of this. I found out that one of the drugs I take to manage all my menopause symptoms has the potential to drop my white counts. I never knew that, am not sure how that even chemically works, but was totally comforted by that new found knowledge and stopped my research. However, it seems that every time I get sick with fevers my right leg breaks out in a rash and I tend to have a lot of pain in that leg. This darn leg has given me trouble from day one of surgery, it's the leg that has lymphedema, and that Dr P was really aggressive with as that's the same side as the cancer. My leg was hurting so bad that I couldn't touch it and had trouble walking around, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't lay on it and it hurt to move. After a couple of days of this, I decided maybe I should do a little research on leukemia just to make sure I'm not missing something. The symptoms to leukemia are pretty vague and quite honestly, anyone could have multiple symptoms at any given moment, so I wasn't too focused on the symptom part. I did focus on risk factors as I found out that I am at an increased risk of getting leukemia because of my chemo treatment. Unfortunately, my chemo drugs place me at a 5-10% increased risk starting at the two year mark and start that risk doesn't start to decrease until I reach the five year mark. The data stated that if the patient did get leukemia, it usually is difficult to treat, does not respond well to the standard treatment, and "does not bode well for the patient." I wasn't aware of any of this and I sat at the computer and cried as my mind went to worst-case scenario and all the "what ifs." I called my sister who works in the field of oncology and told  her what I had found, and she told me this is why she had asked me not to do any research. She told me I needed to stop being a nurse and just be a patient, she told me I don't have leukemia. :)
I hate to admit it but I spent a good part of yesterday in a pity party and grumbling to God that this is not fair. I CAN'T  have cancer twice, this soon, this isn't right! I found myself telling God that His timing sucks--here we have been moving forward with foster care, doing classes, getting our house ready, and are on the verge of getting kids. It seems that He recently opened a door to PICU too. I spent most of yesterday asking God why, why allow me to get excited about getting kids/working with kids only to take it all away? Are you really going to rip this all away from me again, just like that? Throughout the day, I felt God gently asking me to spend some time in the Word and in prayer. I felt Him reminding me to focus on who He really is, to remember all that He has done for me. God doesn't change, He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
In some ways I've grown since I first found out I had uterine cancer. I DO trust God and I DO believe He is good and His plans for me are for my best. I'm also finding I'm a work in progress, I still need to grow in certain areas of faith and I need to stop assuming certain things about God. His ways are not my ways! So, I'm back to the waiting game, waiting for test results. I'm trying not to assume I have cancer again, I don't want to waste a good panic just yet. I'm so glad God doesn't treat me harshly as I've said some harsh things to Him this weekend!