My toddler self

I absolutely know that we are meant to do foster care! Having said that, I've been surprised at some of the emotional struggles that have surfaced. Prior to entering into foster care, I had worked through the grieving process of not being able to have kids and had accepted the fact that our ministry would be loving other people's kids. I felt completely content with this fact (which is no small miracle) so when feelings of anger surfaced again, it came as a complete surprise to me. It all started as we began to gather baby clothes and furniture, it was surreal for me to be washing baby clothes and purchasing baby furniture. It was an exciting time  because after my hysterectomy, the door was slammed shut to all my baby dreams. It was fun and exciting to put together the crib and changing table, and I loved putting all the baby clothes in the closet as it reminded me of when I was a little girl playing with my dolls preparing for this exact moment. It was exciting rearranging our upstairs bedroom preparing for whatever children God blessed us with. I guess I thought this would be a quick process as our first phone call was for twin baby boys (which we couldn't take because of my work schedule) and our agency was pushing our paperwork through the system with some urgency. We are on-call 24/7 as we wait for a placement so my cell phone is never far from me these days. I have lost count as to how many phone calls we have received asking if we are interested in a placement, sometimes it is several calls in a day. The hardest calls have been for babies still in the hospital as DHS tries to find a foster home to take them home. The way this works is that DHS lets every agency in Colorado Springs know of their need, each agency contacts their perspective foster parents asking if they are interested, they then let DHS know which of their foster parents are interested and DHS makes the final decision as to which foster parent gets the placement. I guess this decision happens fairly quickly but it doesn't feel quick when you are on the wanting end of a placement and wait hours before hearing if you got it or not. Mark and I have said yes multiple times only to find out that DHS has gone with a different couple, it has been heart-breaking at times. It's hard not to take the rejection personal, did they pass on us because of my cancer issue or because of our infertility issue? Is there something wrong with us? I realized I was becoming angry after we were rejected on a newborn girl that I desperately wanted. This placement seemed perfect from my perspective and I just couldn't understand why God didn't allow us to get her. I started to feel like God was teasing us with these babies and that only made me angrier. Of course, I know that is not God's heart, He isn't teasing me but it's amazing how deceptive our feelings can be at times. I've really had to evaluate am I willing to trust in God's plan and timing, that He knows the exact right child for us or am I going to focus on what I want and what I think is best for me? It's a daily battle and choice to not let the toddler inside me throw a tantrum when I don't get my way. I've been faced with this ugly side of myself a lot lately and it's humbling to see just how much I need to grow. It's easy to give God lip service and say that I completely trust what He is doing, it's a lot harder to line up my attitude when I don't get the placement I was hoping for. I REALLY want a baby and my heart aches for a baby, the struggle is submitting my dreams and plans to the Lord. Sometimes I don't mind submitting, other times I hate it. Sometimes I have a death-grip on what I want and it is not pretty when God patiently and lovingly asks me to let go and let Him. I suppose it's a good thing to be aware of my toddler self.....I don't like her much but you can't work on something you aren't aware of right.