Waiting

I've been doing a lot of waiting so far this year and I've got to admit that I'm not a fan. Today, I am waiting to see if Mark and I are chosen to take care of a two month old boy who has some health issues. I want this boy!! I've wanted each baby that we have been called on and as I waited to hear whether or not we got them, I would go into the kids room and pray. I would call my family and ask them to pray that we get the baby. Sometimes I would sort through all the baby clothes that we had to take stock of what we still needed. Each time we were told that DHS went with another couple from another agency it felt like pieces of my heart were being torn out. I wonder if these kids will ever understand just how much they are wanted and loved in spite of their difficult circumstances. So as I wait to hear the verdict with this little baby, I just can't allow myself to get all excited, to think about the "what ifs" etc, my heart can't go down that same road. While I pray that we get this baby, at the same time I'm praying that I'll be okay if we don't....maybe that is progress and growth?  I KNOW God is fully in control and He has the perfect child/children for us at the perfect time. That knowledge however, doesn't mean that this whole ordeal isn't an emotional messy journey. Because our foster agency was pushing us through the system, I guess I expected this to be easy, that we would get kids right away. It's been difficult to watch those around us get placements while we wait. I'm not blaming our agency in any way as I think they have done a wonderful job in preparing us for this journey. I think my expectations and reality haven't matched and that's been difficult to swallow. I desperately want a baby and I can't explain why this is occurring when just months prior I was completely content with where Mark and I were at in life. Feelings are fickle and can't always be trusted. I'm REALLY trying to be better at this waiting thing, some days I do well and other days I'm an emotional mess. I have no idea what God is doing in all of this but I know He is in the middle of it. It truly is a choice to let go of my disappointments and choose to trust Him. I know that when we get our child/children, this waiting will all be worth it and maybe I'll look back and see God's fingerprints all over the place. For now, I'm in the dark.....you grow in the dark but it sucks to be there!