Complicated

As people hear the story of how our family continues to grow I hear the same statement time and again, "I could never do that." I completely understand where they are coming from because I too once shared those feelings. Never say never when it comes to God!! I often remember how Dr P would tell me that it won't matter whether my kids are biological or not and I dismissed him thinking he just didn't understand. I have since realized that it was I that didn't understand because it really doesn't matter that these kids aren't biologically mine, they are in my home and they are mine! I am truly like a mama bear....don't mistreat or mess with my kids because you will soon be dealing with one angry mama!
I really appreciate our foster agency as I think they have prepared Mark and I quite well for this......emotionally complicated journey. I really can't describe in words just how complicated my relationship is with Alex's biological mom. We get along beautifully (thank you God) but I have mixed feelings towards her. I don't want Alex to have a hard life and so if she can pull it together and truly change her life, I will totally support her. Part of me wishes there wasn't this unknown hanging over his future and that I knew he would stay with us forever. It's emotionally very complicated and my emotions are all over the place from day to day. I will say that being in this situation means that I don't take a single moment with Alex for granted. It's such a honor and joy to be a part of his story and I hope that some day he will come to understand just how much he was loved and wanted by so many.  He just turned four months a couple days ago and it has been so fun watching him grow and change. It seems like each day he is able to do something new and his personality continues to burst. We are in the beginning of the fun stages and I can't wait to see who this little guy grows into.
While I'm somewhat scared of what the future holds for all of us and the emotions we may be facing, it's completely worth it. Even if we have to give Alex back to his mom some day, it's worth it to me to open my heart up to this little boy and give him a good start. We have been told many times that our heart will be bruised and broken and I trust that God will give us what we need to continue in this journey. Each child that enters our home will always have a special place in my heart and will always be in my prayers. They are mine for however long God chooses to give them to me and I'm really thankful for this journey!

One month anniversary

Monday was our one month anniversary of having Alex in our home! It's hard to believe that at this point, this is the longest period of time that he has stayed in one place. On the one hand I find that sad, on the other I'm thrilled that we are taking part in changing that record. It has been so much fun to see him grow and change--he has become a MUCH happier baby than when we first got him as we work out all the digestive kinks. Every time he smiles and laughs, my heart melts a bit more. Have I mentioned just how much I love this kid???
Mark and I have started to receive calls to take in more children and we have decided to hold off for a bit as we continue to work some things out with Alex. It is VERY hard to say no when my heart wants to say yes and rescue each child. As I hear the stories of abuse behind these kids it is absolutely heart-breaking and today I found myself angry. Most days I can focus on the fact that the parents are broken but today I really don't care about that, I'm angry that this particular girl has endured so much at such a young age. I look at Alex and I can't begin to understand how someone can purposely hurt an innocent child. I know it's not my job to be the judge of these parents, yet my heart wants to see swift justice! Today I feel burdened because I want to save all these kids yet I know that's impossible and that's not what God is calling me to do. I believe prayer is powerful....today however, it doesn't feel very powerful. Another reminder that I can't trust my feelings as I pray for these battered and broken children. I know God is keeping close account of who hurts his own and how and someday he will carry out the justice. I wish we lived in a world where kids were ALWAYS safe, no matter what!