Psalm 127

Mark and I have been listening to a sermon series about building a home God's way and the timing as usual has been perfect. You know how at times different bible verses stick out and become alive, well Psalm 127 really stuck out for me. I've been wanting a verse that will be my family's core and I found it. "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain." Psalm 127: 1. Lets be honest, depending on God for stuff is usually uncomfortable, it's fabulous for our relationship with Him but we never really choose this path. Right now I'm not enjoying depending on God to build my family, I want all the details now and I want to know how many kids will be permanently mine now. But God knows I'm not ready for all the details and deep down I know I'm not ready either. I was reflecting this morning on how I learned to live in the moment pretty well while I was in treatment and how little by little some of my bad habits have returned. I still savor so many moments with the kids and live in the moment but I also spend a good deal of time focusing on the future. You know what, the time I spend worrying about my future robs me of my time today. The bible often talks about how we can't be double-minded individuals, we can but we drive ourselves crazy living that way. I'm driving myself crazy, I love little E so much and I waited a long time for her, yet I can't control either of our future. I want to keep her and yet I really like her parents and when I'm with them, I find myself encouraging them to stay the course, do the right thing. It's an odd place emotionally to be! So this study has smacked me right between the eyes, am I trying to build MY family or am I allowing God to build it in His own time frame as He sees fit? The second part to this verse that really got to me was being the "watchmen" as I can be overprotective. Am I going to let God protect the kids or am I going to drive myself crazy and everyone around me crazy doing things that only make me feel safer for a short period of time. Safety is fleeting if you don't place everything you love in the hands of the ONLY one who can truly keep them safe. So this is my family's verse as only God can build my family when He sees fit, how He sees fit. Everyday I'm trying to start the day with an open hand to God rather than clenched fists. I truly understand that children are a gift and a blessing and to be honest, sometimes I find myself believing that after everything I've gone through I deserve many blessings. However, this thinking is false, I don't deserve anything really. The fact that God continues to give me cancer-free breaths should be enough. I really hate that sometimes I've become an entitled spoiled brat with God and I'm thankful He is extremely patient with me in this area. Anyway, I'm thinking of how I can physically put this verse up in our home as my daily reminder.

Just one of those days....

I have come to HATE the foster care system as it is beyond broken. Honestly, if I wasn't a Christian I would quit foster care because there are so many times that it feels like we aren't doing much to help these kids. But I know that God is in full control and only He can truly protect these little ones. I am having a difficult day, the type of day that I'm praying the entire day, praying to help my areas of unbelief. I won't go into the details of little E's case but I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that she will most likely go home in the next couple of months. I wish I could protect my heart for the heartache that is most likely coming but with kids I'm all in right from the start. I SO want to adopt this little girl, heck, we are STILL trying to adopt Alex yet. I have been thinking a lot lately about how I wish there was an easy button I could push at different times of my life. I've thought a lot about adoption and some days to be honest, I want to quit foster care and simply adopt. To have something known right from the start, something secure, but even on the worst days emotionally, I can't quit. I don't feel called to leave foster care yet for one and the thought of leaving kids that desperately need a safe, loving home.....I can't quit. I want a forever family of my own so badly and the truth is that today I'm not liking the fact that it is completely out of my control. People have asked how long will we do foster care and I half jokingly tell them until we have our own baseball team. :) Today, I would love to ask God why He closed the door on my having biological children, why it's so darn hard to be able to keep the kids that come into our home. I really want to learn to be content and simply enjoy the time that I have with little E instead of focusing on the fear of her being gone. I know God will give me what I need if she goes but I'm honestly afraid of what that whole process may look/feel like. In some ways when these kids leave our home it's like a death because for one, they rarely go into a good situation and two, we don't see or hear about them again. My heart aches for kids that I get to keep permanently and my heart aches for how difficult this process is for me while completely unfit, dysfunctional people can have kids without even thinking about it. This is one of those days that even though I am saying God is trustworthy, He is good, and He is in complete control...I don't understand why some things have turned out the way that they have. Please pray for me in the next several weeks as this may be a bumpy time. Pray for little E, for her safety.

A year to the exact day.....

A year ago today we received Alex and it completely changed our lives for the better. My family asked me last year what I wanted for my birthday and I said I wanted a baby, God delivered. So, this year when my mom asked what I wanted for my birthday I told her I wanted a newborn. I had been praying for a newborn for months because I really wanted to experience the whole newborn phase as I didn't get to go through that with Alex. I was working in the ICU on this year anniversary when I got a call from our agency saying a newborn girl was at the hospital and they needed to place her with someone that night. I was absolutely floored as I realized that God had delivered me another very personal birthday present and a little girl at that! Needless to say, I was more than thrilled to be able to take this little one home from the hospital at the end of my shift. I have been in complete and total heaven since, she is beautiful, perfect, and so stinking tiny!! She is a healthy little girl and she SLEEPS!!!!! Alex is so sweet with her, likes to give hugs and he looks for her first thing in the morning.
I am simply blown away at how good God is to me, how personal his blessings are at times. Little E is such a gift from God and the story of how she came to our home has His hand prints all over it. At moments I keep pinching myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. Life is sure busy but it's very good!

Another placement...another disappointment

We received an emergent placement of an 8.5 month old girl a couple days before Mark's birthday. This poor child was in MUCH worse condition than we were told about and the caseworker dropped her off to our house earlier than expected because this little girl was freaking her out. At times she literally appeared to be dead and Mark and I would check on her all the time in the crib just to make sure she was breathing. I have never seen such a skinny baby in my life, it was absolutely heartbreaking. We had to pad the crib and car seat otherwise her bony prominences would start to become red, this should NEVER occur in a baby!!!! We only had her for five days but they were emotionally exhausting. I took her to urgent care and a pediatrician in that short time and found her to have a major diaper rash that was so bad it burned part of her skin, a uti, a yeast infection, and an ear infection. As a nurse, I was struggling to keep her hydrated and fed. The court decided to return her home on a technicality which royally pissed me off, I was terrified she would return home and I would get a call telling me this little girl had died. When we first got her she hardly cried, it was clear she had been neglected to the point that she gave up complaining. It is hard to understand how people can treat their own flesh and blood the way they do, let alone an innocent baby! Anyway, Mark and I decided that rather than let her go home we would take her to the ER in the hope that she would be admitted. God answered our prayers and little Taylor was admitted, we were so happy and it was a huge feeling of relief. However, when I called the next day to see how she was doing, I was told she would be discharged home. The system that is supposed to protect these kids is so broken and it makes me extremely angry! It's no wonder we have generation after generation in the foster care system. I love these kids....I hate the system!! We continue to pray for Taylor and hope that should she re-enter the system she will be returned to us.

Not a mascara kind of day........

It's only a few days into the new year and I'm feeling somewhat empty. We go to court tomorrow for Alex and we were hoping to set a termination date. I've been looking nervously forward to this court date because you never really know what is going to happen but I'm very ready to make Alex legally ours. Our caseworker dropped quite a bombshell on us yesterday--instead of termination, they are filing for another six months simply because his bio dad hasn't signed consent papers and therefore hasn't done some evaluations. This man ALWAYS resurfaces right before court, spews out his desires/wishes and then disappears failing to meet the minimum requirements. I love being a foster parent, I just HATE the system!! It's very broken and I can honestly say that most times they don't have the child's best interest at heart, it's more about protecting their butt in case of getting sued. It's in moments like these that I'm very tired of God asking me to do hard. I know ultimately He will help me through whatever occurs but in my flesh, I'm angry and I feel like quitting the hard stuff. I went into foster care knowing this would be heartbreaking at times and it definitely doesn't disappoint in that area, but there is no way to fully prepare the heart. I've tried very hard not to let my mind wander towards Alex's future because I didn't know if I would be a part of it or not, but since there has been complete silence from both bio parents since September I started to allow my mind wander. Mark and I have picked out his middle name with the expectation of being able to adopt. I can't fully put into words how difficult this news has hit us, it's beyond heartbreaking. It's amazing how quickly I can go from one end of the emotional spectrum to the opposite end in minutes. I'm choosing to trust God in this matter and desperately trying not to rely on my feelings at the moment. I know God is in complete control despite how the circumstances appear. I'm SO angry and the tears just keep coming today. I love this boy SO much! Part of me wants to lay into his bio dad at court tomorrow and tell him exactly what I think of him, the other part of me feels like begging him to stop fighting and let us adopt. I'm thankful court isn't today because I don't feel like being Christ-like to this man. I'm an emotional mess, very confused, and really needing to see God in some practical ways in the next few days. Please pray for me and for this messed up system!

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

What a year 2012 has been, it's the year we became foster parents and started this crazy journey. We have had a total of five kids in our home and hoping to adopt Alex. It's the year I reached my two year cancer free anniversary and got my port out! There has been a lot of ups and downs in the world this year but personally, I like this year and it will be remembered as one of my best. I'm SO thankful that Mark and I put our fears aside and answered the call to become foster parents. I have said this so many times but I never would have imagined this would be our calling or our journey and yet, God knew what was best for us and it really is perfect. So, when it comes to 2013, I can't wait to see what He has in store for us this year! I feel strongly that God has more kids in store for us, so we eagerly wait for the right child at the right time. People have asked if we would take another drug baby as lets be honest, they are not easy babies. However, knowing all that we know now, my heart goes out to these children and I sort of have a soft spot. Would you join us in prayer for wisdom and discernment on which placement to take. As much as I would like, we can't save every child that comes into the system and it can be a struggle to put aside my wishes when it isn't the same as the Lords. This is probably a lifelong battle, living life with an open hand to God letting Him give and take as He sees best. He does know best though!
January 9th will be a big day in our home as Alex's case goes before the court yet again. We are hoping and praying that a termination date be set so that we can start the process of adoption. It's VERY hard to be patient because Alex is my son already, I just want the legal system to recognize it. As you know I'm a huge "what if" type of person but this is one area that I don't let my mind wander much. I can't, I love him too much. All I know and try to focus on is that God is in full control and I know He has great plans for Alex. Anyway, we hope to bring BIG news this year as we have big expectations!
Happy New Year everyone! No matter what this year brings, lets choose to bring light to this dark world of ours as this is all of our calling!