Insomnia

I'm struggling a bit emotionally with this job as I'm working closely with newly diagnosed breast cancer patients. Many of these patients are told seconds before I start to work with them and it's difficult to watch them try to absorb all that they have been told. It's still a bit too personal for me at times. My heart goes out to all of them but those close to my age or younger than me is especially difficult, I'm having a hard time keeping the distance that is needed to do a good job. I sat in on a tumor board today where all the physicians and head nurses that work with these patients get together to discuss certain cases and brainstorm to make sure they are offering them the best care possible. I was doing fine until they started to discuss a 28 year old whose breast cancer story had lots of similarities to my own. As they discussed that she should never become pregnant (her cancer is estrogen sensitive meaning estrogen feeds the cancer) and that she needed to start a medication asap that would put her into menopause, I was fighting back tears. There are several issues to her case that baffle the doctors that they honestly don't know what her prognosis will be. I found myself wondering if my case sparked many of the same discussions among the tumor board that reviewed my case. It was very eye opening for me and I have new questions for Dr P and I want the blunt answers. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for this opportunity, it's just an adjustment emotionally as I try to create a little bit of distance so I can help each patients cancer journey get off to a good start. Next week I'm totally on my own, so I really hope to pull all my emotions together by then!

I am REALLY starting to struggle with this whole menopause deal. I'm starting to question whether or not I can do this without hormones and I want some straight answers as to my risks should I take them. The hot flashes are very unpleasant but I can deal with that for now, it's the insomnia that's getting to me big time. It takes me forever to fall asleep no matter how tired I am and then I'm up every hour after that. I'm wired at night and the night sweats don't help. It's worrisome to me because I know just how important sleep is to the immune system, let alone the whole healing process. How can my body try to heal from all that has been done to it lately, let alone fight off things I'm being exposed to if I don't sleep? I'm starting to lose it mentally and emotionally because of this chronic lack of sleep and that's not good. It's only a matter of time before I start making poor decisions! I'm calling Dr P's office tomorrow to see what my options are at this point; I'm a minimalist when it comes to taking meds so I'm not sure what to do at this point. I've tried benadryl but that is no longer working and I don't want to wake up in the morning feeling groggy as so many other meds tend to do. I don't know, part of me feels like telling Dr P I'm done with menopause, give me back some estrogen and I'll accept whatever risk comes with it. Going into menopause at 32 is NOT normal and going into it in a matter of weeks is also abnormal. In some ways I feel betrayed as Dr P promised I would get through this with a good quality of life....this is not the quality of life that I want! I'm angry with the way things are going lately and yet I know God has blessed me in many other ways, it's hard to keep a balanced view point lately.